exercise is good for thinking...

So tonight I was on the track at school and I just had this thought-

We push and push ourselves, sometimes to the breaking point. But what happens when we reach that breaking point?

Some of us have fought cancer and won for a while, until it came back.  Some go through other battles.  Some fight depression and win.  But they get to a point where they feel like they're backsliding.  And others push themselves so hard with a physical injury and they end up injuring themselves worse.

These thoughts led to something else. What happens when we reach these points? When we think we've accomplished the world and then something else unexpected happens, what do we do?  Do we let our failures keep us down? And is it out of fear? Or is it out of defeat?

Are we so willing to let our fears and chances of defeat keep us down?  What does that say for the people around us? The people that look up to us as teachers, mentors, a family members?

It says that we are willing to give up. And they will learn to do the same. And I pray to God that my family members never find me giving up.

You see, about five years ago, I was one of those people who was willing to give into my fears and I tried to give in. I let my depression spiral out of control and I was afraid to ask for help. And it wasn't just fear, I was ashamed too. I was ashamed to ask for the help that I knew I needed.  And then I found out what the knowledge of what I was going through did to my sister.  I had to learn to live my life again, and not give up.

So I pray that when life knocks you down, that you take baby steps (if that's what it takes) and get back up.  Don't admit defeat and don't give in to fear

A kiss from God

My entire day today has been a kiss from God.  I woke up this morning and got ready for church and the sermon was awesome.  


Then I came home, and just chilled around the house. I watched a movie, read some of my book, picked my room up a little, and made plans for tomorrow night.


And then I got a text. Marlise texted me asking what I was doing tonight. I didn't have any plans so I told her I would go to a bonfire with her.  And what a good decision that was! I left the house and went to Wegman's to get stuff to make s'mores with.  Then I stopped for gas and drinks and went on my way to meet her.  I ended up getting to her place before she was back from dinner, so like a creep, I sat in my car in the middle of all of these townhouses for a while.  But it was really good. I called Nick and the sweetheart he is, he kept me company on the phone until Marlise showed up.  That's when the adventure began...


We were on our way to Holly to get to the house that the fire was at.  And because I have no sense of direction and it was dark, Marlise was our navigator.  It was such a blast. I love adventure, and boy, was this one.  :) We made some wrong turns and went past the house we were going to, but we were still able to laugh and enjoy it.  No one freaked out because we got lost, and no one got upset (which is a first for me).  So we finally found the house we were looking for (which we missed because we didn't see the guy standing on the porch...he was dressed in black standing by the driveway...).  


But the entire time we were on our adventure, the laughter was non-stop and crazy.


And it was so nice.  


I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.


And then, my favorite part...


The fire.  Anthony had already started the fire and it was perfect for s'mores. So of course we dug into the marshmallows and chocolate.  And even though we lost some marshmallows due to the tragic fact they caught on fire, we still had fun.  We even got to see the stars (which is one of my favorite things to look at on nice nights- only where I have lived, it's hard to see them with the lights).  


So I would say that today was this amazing kiss from God. A reminder that spontaneous adventures are sometimes the best ones, and that there is something beautiful in every day. But you have to be willing to seek it out. And maybe it means that you get lost along the way, or have to turn around a few times, but it is an adventure nonetheless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

The Wall of Jericho

The other day I was working at the daycare with my friend Megan. It was Bible story time and the day's story was Joshua and the battle of Jericho.  So Megan is sitting there reading the story to the children and when she's done, a child said "How can a huge wall like that be knocked down with no weapons. Cheering can't make a wall fall."  I stopped what I was doing and Megan said something along the lines of "Sometimes you don't need a weapon to tear a huge wall down. These people had God to do the work for them."  


My mind was blown.  Once again, God used a friend to speak something hugely profound (if that is indeed proper grammar).  


You see, I had started building walls again in my life. I moved off campus, and it was like nothing had changed for the first week.  Then school started and so did life again.  I had to start scheduling times to see my friends and I knew that I couldn't keep up with everybody.  What I wasn't ready for was feeling the loss of friendships.  So, I built a wall around my heart and stopped communicating with my best friends. All because I didn't want to feel what I was feeling any more.  


But with those two sentences from my friend's mouth, I knew at once I had to let them be torn down. And it's not easy.  To let not only God in to tear them down, but to allow the people that have the greatest potential to hurt me in.  


I want to close with this from Nathan Foster- a SW professor at Spring Arbor.
"Love is the Remidy"  and it is so true.  To allow love into my life has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Just Me.

Last weekend, I moved off campus to my Aunt and Uncle's in Churchville.  I was so excited. 

My boyfriend came up and helped me move, and while it was extremely stressful, I was still super excited to be living off-campus and to be able to afford college. 

I had my last week of work and learning to commute...and that leads to today. You see, most of my friends moved onto campus today, and the rest are coming tomorrow. And it wasn't until they all started moving in that I realized I wouldn't be able to walk across campus or next door to see them. 

This is an extremely hard realization for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living in Churchville with my family, but I also had to leave the first place that I felt at home in 20 years. I can honestly say that I think I understand why people don't like moving. And I now understand why my mood was so bad while moving. Because every other time I've moved, I was stressed but was okay. Not this time.  

So today, I had a rough day. No lessons, no convictions. Just a girl who misses being able to walk to the room next door to see her best friend. And I know with time it will get easier, but at the moment I have to learn to be okay with just being okay. 

"But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high" -Ps 3:3

A lesson learned in trust

Here's a recap on my past few weeks.

I tried to get a $17000 loan.  The problem? It got denied.

So, I had to think of someway to cover that amount of money in three weeks. Then my Aunt and Uncle offered me a place to stay. And then another offer came in for me to babysit in exchange for a place to stay.

In one week, God answered a prayer I didn't think could be answered.

The only problem with this was getting my parents to agree to this plan. So they came up Sunday (two days ago) and we "took care of business" as my mom likes to say (only nothing got accomplished).  My dad said that he knew I was going to do what I wanted so I might as well go ahead and my mom did her usual act.

So yesterday (Monday), I went down to Student Services and filled out the application and they told me that I would have my answer by today. I went to Aunt Julie and Uncle Ron's house and had dinner and talked with them and just hoped and prayed that this would all work out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't even think straight because I was so stressed out about this. I went to work and on breaks I would check my mailbox.  And...nothing.  I kept checking, hoping that things would change. By 2 pm, I had heard nothing. So I went to Rinker, back to Student Services, and talked to the secretary at the desk.  I asked her about the status of my application and gave her my name. She looked at me, smiled, and said you're good! You got approved!  I stood there. Dumbfounded for a minute, then I started smiling and wanted to start jumping up and down.

My next stop was financial aid. And I got my new bill and smiled. I can afford college once again, with a very small loan.

My lesson from all of this? Well, there are a few.

The first? It's Ephesians 6:12 which says,

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."

When my mom said she wanted to take the car away, it became a control thing that was being held over me. After some very wise counsel, I said to her that it was okay, she could have the car back. And I left it at that.

I learned that turning the other cheek is not as easy as many would have you believe. To just sit and take verbal attacks is sometimes the hardest thing someone can do (at least, for me, this is true).

The biggest lesson I learned though was to trust that God would provide for my needs. I've always been fairly self-sufficient. So to have this circumstance that I couldn't handle, and to have to hand 100% to God...well, lets just say it was a learning experience. One that will stick with me now.

But God does provide. He loves us so much that He takes on our burdens and knows the deepest, most intimate cries of our hearts.  There have been moments in the past three weeks when all I could do was fall before Him, wordless, crying out to Him. But He heard me.

Having learned all of these lessons, I pray that it doesn't take the chance that everything you hold dear gets ripped away. I pray that God blesses you abundantly with His love.

-Jill

Why am I getting a tattoo you ask? Well, here's your answer...

A few years ago, I struggled with severe depression, and for those of you who know my whole testimony, I think you'll understand a bit more what I'm about to say.


Not long after I had a breakthrough with my depression, I was reading my Bible, and came across Psalm 3:3 which says "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high".  For me, this had a special meaning because even with everything I went through, and the situations I placed myself in, I realized that this verse had always been true in my life (Even if I hadn't really noticed or payed attention to that verse before).


Looking back, it was only by the grace of God that I am alive today. He truly was a shield around me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.  I was just listening to a podcast called The Ramp. And in it the speaker just said, that the phrase "lifter of my head" doesn't necessarily mean that God is holding your chin up, but that He is restoring someone back to their original position of authority or responsibility.


My point to this short blog is to explain to everybody why I'm getting this tattoo on September 3.  It's because it's my life verse. It's an everyday reminder that I am alive because God restored me back to my responsibility to follow and serve Him. So you may look at me and wonder why I would want this tattooed on me where it will be seen even on my wedding day. But I'm not worried about what it will look like in comparison to my wedding dress because  I look at it like this-


1) I'm alive today and I can stand in front of everybody and gladly say that and mean it. And 
2) I am following someone who loved me so much, that He sacrificed His ONLY Son in order to save me from an eternity in hell.

Surprises, friends, and God

So what do you get when you put surprises, friends, and God into one day?  You get an AMAZING day that will fill you up with the Holy Spirit.  Please bear with me as I try to get this all out.


My day started out with the women's breakfast at church. The food was great, the conversation was even better, and the message was amazing.


From there, my good friend Chris picked me up to go to Buffalo to not only surprise my best friend (and her reaction was hilarious. She saw me, ran, and jumped into a hug), but to street evangelize and then go to a worship service.  While we were out on the street, it was Rachel, me, and Deborah and there were three instances that really stuck out during this entire time. The first was this lady named Barbara. She was sitting all alone underneath a tree on her walker. So we walked over to her and she has an incredible story. We walked away and we found some little boys. We started talking to them and they were sharp boys. Two of the boy's names were Caleb and Jeremiah so we told them what their names meant and gave them fliers and walked down the street with them.  


After the boys went home, my mind went back to Barbara. And all I could think was "Jill, you need to pray for healing for this woman" and I KNOW that it wasn't just my own thoughts. I was thinking about the language barrier we ran into because neither Rachel nor I speak Spanish. So for me to have this thought was really strange. And coupled with this thought was this feeling in my stomach that I couldn't get rid of. It was a mix between anxious and nervousness. And I'm thinking that it was the Holy Spirit making sure I was paying attention.  So after we got back to the group to go back, we told our testimonies for the day and then we prayed and the first thing out of my mouth was a prayer for healing for Barbara. 


The last instance was with a family. This mother was strapping her son Andreas into a wheelchair/seat and we walked over and introduced ourselves and invited them to church.  After we had talked for a little while, we asked if we could pray with them. And while we were praying, you could feel the mother's heart reaching out.  It was SUCH a beautiful thing. We started praying for Andreas and when we stopped, we looked at him and where he had been unresponsive before, his head was moving. It was like the holy spirit was making him come alive. It was just such a beautiful thing. 


I got to see God move and work through people that I had never met. And there were at least three people that came to Christ.  No longer will I doubt what my Father can do. 


After hitting the streets, we went back to Rachel's house where we hung out while she was finishing her sermon and I took a nap (It has most definitely been a long day-but a good long).  We ended back up at the church around 7 for the service we were inviting the community to.  Chris and I pulled out of the parking lot at 10:30. But the time didn't matter, because we were in the presence of our Father.  There were three messages given that were amazing and I needed to hear all of them. My favorite quote was "Light is the only thing that can come in contact with filth and remain uncontaminated".  That quote will stick with me for a very long time. As long as we have God's light, darkness will flee and the light will remain untouched. Nothing can get rid of it.


I'll close by saying that we serve an AMAZING God who can do ANYTHING. With Him, all things are possible and I pray that if you don't know Him, that you come to know Him.