Fragility

It seems to have just occurred to me today that I still have this blog.  Life has been so hectic since I graduated and moved back to Horseheads almost a month ago.  

A lot can happen in a month- people come and go, families grow or get smaller, and plans for the future change. 

I have been learning to let people in; especially those surrounding me on a daily basis.  It used to be so easy- I was in a city where my past didn't follow me; I could be who I wanted to be.  Now I am back in a place where everyone knows my scars.  

I was looking around tonight and I realized how fragile people are.  They won't show you right away, but we all have our breaking points.  Nick and I are slowly learning each others and that not everyone is as fragile as glass.  Sometimes Nick has to be my glue and oftentimes he puts that glue on before I crack.  Sometimes, he has to help me put myself back together.  He'll lovingly sweep up the pieces into a pile and is patient while they go back together (must be the engineer in him).  

I was talking to a family member today.  This family member has been through a lot and while we don't talk as much as we often should, I still love them and care about them.  Anyway, we were talking today and I found this person's fragile spot.  They became vulnerable in front of me (so to speak...I wasn't actually in front of them).  It almost broke my heart- not because I was hurt, but because they were.

This is the reason I started thinking about this topic.  Our own fragility can strengthen us, but it can also cause us to become callous.  One of my biggest things in life is that I am fragile for those that I love.  Instead, I needed to learn that I could be vulnerable and love and care for them, but that did not mean that I had to break for them.  That was a big lesson that I needed to learn- that I do not have to take other's feelings and make them my own.

I have my own feelings, and while I am in no way self-absorbed, I need to let others have their own too and not make them into mine.  I think that is the biggest reason I dropped out of Social Work in college and switched my major; I took what others were feeling and without realizing it, made those feelings mine.  It will burn you out quickly and you won't even realize it.

Winter

I was reading a book for class recently and the author was talking about the seasons of life.  I have written about the season of winter before, but I have a slightly different perspective on it.

I once believed that as a season of life, winter was harsh and cruel.  Full of ice, cold, and hardship, I never thought about what it could bring.

The author of this book says that winter clears the landscape of our life and gives us a chance to see ourselves and the circumstances of life more clearly.  We get rid of the clutter to find the ground.

The winter is necessary.  Spring is a season of re-growth, but without winter and what it brings, new growth cannot happen.  The ground will not clear and the last few stubborn leaves will not fall without a push.  Winter, in an area where snow (or other precipitation) falls can be beautiful.  Have you ever walked outside after a fresh snowfall?  Nothing has disturbed the fresh snow, the trees are thick with snow, and everything glitters.

I look at the life my Grandmother had.  After she died, I was looking through her family Bible and I saw that she had written something along the lines of, "farming has not been what I expected. It is the opposite and quite a disappointment."  My Grandma could have seen her life as a season of winter; harsh, cold, and brutal.  And I'm sure for a while that she did.  But she and my biological grandfather pushed through and did what they could to provide for their family of ten.  I look at my family, my aunts and uncles, and see that something beautiful came from the winters.  Sure, sometimes I think my whole family is a little crazy and they don't always get along, but they're my family and it's not that hard to see past the crazy.

P. Palmer says, "the winters will drive you crazy until you learn to get out into them."  I think about that statement and my Grandmother's death.  I was going crazy and didn't know how to push through that winter season in my life (and quite honestly, I'm not sure I still do), but I've learned beautiful things through this season.  Yes, I was devastated when she died, but then I look at all of the stories she told me about her life and I piece that together with what my dad has told me.  I have never learned more about my history. The ice is thawing, replenishing the earth with water necessary for survival.  I look at her death now and choose to focus on her life.

So while some may say that summer or autumn or even spring is their favorite season, I prefer to think about the beauty of getting to have a winter season.

I finally stopped to think

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.  In the last month, my Grandma lost her fight for life and I buried myself in anything I could to avoid thinking about it.

But when the time to think comes, it's hard.  I look back on the last two years of my Grandma's life.  She slowly deteriorated from kidney failure and congestive heart failure.  She went from being able to take care of herself to slowly not being able to even feed herself.

For two years I watched my parents struggle.  My dad was using every day he had off from work to travel and take care of anything he could for her.  Every phone call from the nursing home, every trip to take care of her affairs.  It wore them down more than they would ever admit, but they did it.  They spent hours making phone calls to family when things got really bad.  Some listened and some didn't and it was hard.  But they did it.  I have never looked up to my parents as much as I have in that last month of my Grandma's life.

For those two years, I can count on one hand how many times I saw her.  I went once with my cousin when she was in the hospital and once with Nick.  Then Easter came and I saw her.  But that was the last time I saw her alive.  There was one day that I was going to go but I was sick and I knew bringing my germs in the nursing home was not a smart idea.  There are things I regret never saying and never asking her, but for what I do know about her life, I am thankful.  She had a hard life, not much money or possessions but she loved God and was faithful to Him.  She also loved her family.  There wasn't a visit I had growing up that went without her bragging about some family member.  She asked me for two years when she'd get to meet Nick and then she didn't stop talking about finally meeting him whenever she saw my parents.

For a month, I have put away all of the thoughts, all of the feelings aside.  I have refused to think about it.  I buried myself in work and in cleaning (just ask Nick, his apartment is spotless).  But now I have slowed down, getting ready for my last semester.  So I have been able to slow down and think about the events of the last month.  No more putting it off with crazy days on a boat tubing, and fires and cleaning.  Just the cold hard truth of what happened.  I know that death isn't the end, but it still sucks regardless.

Peace

Lately I've been stressing a lot.  None of it was even about school (with a ton of papers and group presentations and only one week of classes left, you would think that would be the issue), instead it was about this coming summer.

I wanted to stay in Rochester but God had other plans.  In two short weeks at this time, I will be back at my parent's house for the summer.  For a month or two I had been praying that God would give me peace about this move.

And it didn't come.

So the last few weeks had been filled with interviews and emails, trying to find a way to stay in the area without a vehicle.  When nothing came to fruition, I did not know how to handle it.  Somewhere deep down inside of me I knew that I was supposed to go back to my parent's but I wasn't able to think about what that meant for me.

For the past four years I have worked so hard to make Rochester my home.  After my sophomore year was over and I had a car, I stayed here year-round and only went home for short spurts of time (I kept my visits to less than a week, usually only a weekend).  I fell in love with the area and the people in it.  When I moved off-campus, while it was a hard transition, I was still in the area.  When I had to unexpectedly move out, it was even harder- the people I had relied on weren't who I expected them to be, but I made it work.  I moved on to something better, I learned that it was okay to let someone go because of the way they treated me or my family, I didn't have to put on a brave face in the moments I was scared anymore.

I came back to campus, had to make new friends (being a commuter makes it really hard to connect with people here on this campus), and I knew I had to find a new church.  But those friends I made (and the ones I got closer to) became my family.  THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had rough nights and couldn't sleep, THEY were the ones that let me stay at their places when I didn't know where to go, THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had my accident, and THEY are the ones that I know will be there fifteen, twenty years down the road. They've taught me that it's okay to be mad, to let people go, and how to love.

So when I thought about leaving this area (notice I said 'the area', I can't wait to graduate), I was torn up inside. I couldn't sleep or eat and I was grumpy most of the time.  I kept praying for peace and I didn't have it-

until last night.

Last night I went to this thing that my campus does- it's a time of worship, speakers, and prayer- and I was just going through the motions, thinking about how to find a job back home, how it would be between my parents and I with me there all the time.  After a conversation about how I have an interview coming up when I get home, I felt like my mom was resistant to me returning.  It was like nothing good could come out of either of our mouths because the other person took it the wrong way.  So as I was sitting down to pray about where my heart was and yet again, for peace, all I could hear was

"Jillian, it will be OKAY. I am with you, everything will work out for the best, this is my plan for you."

In that moment, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace.  It just washed over me and for the FIRST time in a few months, I knew without a doubt that this was what was going to happen, and that I would be okay. Even though it brings tears to my eyes when I think about leaving, I KNOW that my Father is going before me and that these changes will bring me closer to Him.

NOT an April Fool's joke

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone for the last few days.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed.

Getting in a car accident and totaling my truck was not the way I planned on ending my Easter break (which also happened to be April Fool's).  I was thankfully unharmed, but angry that I made it through a white-out where I couldn't even tell where on the road I was (if I was at all) with no problems, only to spin out on black ice.  

But while it was bad, it could have been a lot worse. 

• If I had been in a car, I would've spun more- the length of my truck slowed the spin down
• If I was another foot farther on the bridge, I would've hit the end of the guardrail and probably would've flipped the truck
• Had I hit the other guardrail, and gone over it, it was a longer drop than the small ditch on the side I did crash on
• There was a moment where my dad thought I could get a ticket for the accident (at the time while I was still in shock, that seemed like the absolute worst thing in the world to me).

I looked at this list of what-if's and I kind of laughed. There was SO much that could have gone so much worse than it did.  I am incredibly thankful that I have a Father who loves me and protected me out there.  All I remember was that as soon as I lost control I prayed out for the car behind me to not get hit and that I didn't flip.  I saw sparks as my truck ground against the guardrail and then I stopped.  

I called everyone I needed to call going back and forth between my boyfriend and my dad on the phone.

I cannot stop thanking God that the circumstances He put me in were what they were. Even though my truck is gone, everything went so much better than it should have.

About a mile before I hit the bridge, I saw that the tow truck was finally kicking up water so I knew I wasn't on ice in that moment so I decided to pass him- I was going no more than 40 mph at this point still because we had come out of the storm.  There had also been a car following me closely through the white out so they could stay on the road.  If those two drivers hadn't been behind me when I crashed, I would've been on the road for a long time waiting.

As soon as I put my truck in park, that driver (who happened to be from Elmira originally and headed to Naz) was jumping out of her car and as I called my dad, she called 911.  She had seen me fishtail the first time and backed off.  She stayed with me the whole time and drove me the last half an hour to school.

That tow-truck driver?  He also saw me spin out and pulled over to help.  While 911 and my dad were being called, he was calling a co-worker telling him that we needed another tow-truck (he already had a car on his).

The sheriff that arrived was on the other side of the highway coming down 390 S.  It only took him 10 minutes to get to the crash site.  I watched him make his U-turn about .5 miles down and cautiously come across the bridge to where we were.  He told me that accidents happen all the time on that bridge and he would write up the accident report and then I could get out of the snow and on my way. And yes, I did have to ask him what I was supposed to do with an accident report (school should teach things like this haha).

I'm thankful that I have an amazingly patient boyfriend.  I called him and all I could get out was "Hey, I was in an accident, I'm okay, I have to call my dad back, call you later" (or something along those lines). And he said okay and just texted me to see how close to school I was and to make sure I was safe.

When I called my dad the first thing out of my mouth was an apology for ruining the truck. I was so worried about that stupid THING and all he cared about was that I wasn't hurt and that no one else was involved.  He told me the next day that because my truck was so long, it made my spin a lot slower and protected me more than if I had been in a car.  He came up the next day to look at the truck and then came to see me.  Which was the thing I think I needed most in that moment- just to see a familiar face that had an emotional investment in my wreck and know that it really was okay.

The truck? It was the vehicle I learned to drive on and my dad taught me how to drive it in nasty weather conditions, but black ice doesn't mess around. I was spinning before I could react. The front end was shifted a few inches over, the front bumper was pushed into the tires, and the back end got pushed up.  The amazing thing though was that only the passenger side was hit.  There was NOTHING on the driver's side.  But there is absolutely no hope for repair.

My boyfriend?  Yeah, he woke up at 2:30 to my phone call after talking to me on and off all night. I couldn't close my eyes because I kept seeing the accident so sleep wasn't an option.  He talked me through my tears and stayed on the phone with me until I could finally sleep.  I seriously couldn't have asked for a better man.

I walked away from what could have been a much worse accident. My only injury is whiplash from trying to hold my neck up as I spun (I assume).  The girl that got there first thought she was jumping out of her car to find a bloody, injured body from that crash.  I told one of my friends that if I hadn't believed that God loved me and cared for me before, I definitely would have after.  I don't know how people can walk away from situations like that and not believe that God loves them- or even exists.  It made me realize that even though things may be totally out of control, I am still protected. 

I am a little bitter than even though the DOT had been called out hours previous to my accident, the first truck seen was after the sheriff got to the scene.  Especially after 390 S had been closed for a few hours because of the number of accidents.  But give me a day more and I will be over it.  I am so blessed that something like the DOT being slow cannot hold me back from rejoicing that I am alive and unharmed.

fun(ny) facts I learned today while hiking

Today I learned a few new things about hiking.  I've been hiking many times before, but today was quite the experience.

• If you think you can't walk a hill because your knees are giving out, do it anyway. Chances are, your parents will forget to hand you their keys and you'll be forced to RUN up that hill a few moments later (panicking because you don't know what they'll do at the other end when you don't show up with their car to pick them up) to try and catch up with them.

• Don't try and run up a hill trying to catch your parents unless you want to not be able to walk, burst in to tears, and almost pass out on the trail because you're hyperventilating so hard.

• Prayers do work.  As you're praying to God that your parents heard your frantic bird-call (as a last ditch resort because they didn't hear their names being called) and they'll find you before you literally pass out, remember that He will hear.  And so will your parents.  

• When your dad finds you, he'll then force you to drink tons of Gatorade in between your sobs of relief.

• Those sounds you hear traveling from one side of the hill to the other? That's not a flock of geese, they fly.  Those were coyote pups coming closer...probably due to your hyperventilating and distressed yelling from trying to find your parents. (This is not one of my favorite moments of the day).

• If you look at a hill as you're going down and think to yourself "I should just sit down and go down" you probably should because you'll just end up on your butt anyway only you'll get hurt as you start that descent because you fell.

• Make sure your phone isn't locked in the car before you separate from your group because chances are, you just turned it off and stuck it in your backpack. (This would have made life a lot easier- I could have prevented all of the above).

• If your dad says that the point to pick them up at is programmed in to the GPS, just get the directions because it's probably not in the GPS.

• The pancakes at the Maple Tree Inn in Angelica were totally worth all of that pain.

None of these were funny as they were happening, but now that I'm safely at home, full of pancakes and other yummy goodness, I can finally write all of this and laugh.

Some random thoughts

Just some random thoughts for the night.

• You'll do things to your hair that you regret, and some you don't

• Sometimes you have to not care what people think about your decisions if you know they're right

• Long drives are fun...until they're too long

• A man should always tell his girlfriend she's beautiful, even if she's wearing sweatpants and a hoodie

• The above doesn't mean that you shouldn't look nice ever

• Procrastination is okay, until it's not.

• Some ministry classes do just what it sounds like- they can minister really well.  Others...well, if you get one of those classes you'll understand.

• I like my room clean, can't study if it's not. But five minutes after I'm done with homework/studying it stops being clean

• I've had to learn (sometimes the hard way) which fights to fight and which ones to walk away from

• Your parents still love you, even if they don't know how to show it all the time (okay, ever).

• The future can be a scary thing.  I will always be thankful however, that I do not know what is coming.

• Career (and major) changes can be scary, but oftentimes totally worth it

• Some people come in to your life for a season, but then they leave.  That doesn't mean that you can't trust people.

• In college you'll have some awesome professors and some that will make you want to rip your hair out.

• As a college student, it is acceptable to eat a meal at midnight and stay up until all hours of the night.  Not so much when on break or as you enter the real world.

• Just because a college associates with a Christian culture does not mean that the administration will make their decisions based on Biblical principles or that the students are Christians.

• As one person recently put it as someone was describing my "Christian school"  'Your school just needs Jesus'

• Sometimes Christians are the worst at making people feel left out and judged.

• Sometimes your friends will help you out when you refuse just because they love you.

• A sister will always be there- even when you sound ridiculous and are in a bad mood

Last but not least:

• Your family may not be biological, but if you call them family, it's probably because they act like family with you.  They can be brutally honest or exceptionally loving and you stick together through everything.