Too many maybes and too much hurt

Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking that things had changed.  It had seemed so good, so positive lately, that I was finally moving forward.  Past the pain and the hurt, past the cruel jokes.

Things had been so good, so positive, between my parents and I since my February break.  I was finally to the point where I was excited to go visit for a weekend.  Maybe I jumped the gun or maybe I was just being silly and naive.

Three days ago I talked to my dad on the phone.  After talking about what type of officer I want to be, he asked me what I was doing Friday (yesterday).  I told him that other than my normal work hours, I wasn't doing anything because my two classes had been cancelled (the teacher was out of town or something like that).  After telling him this, he said okay and moved to the next topic. And I thought that was that.

Yesterday I found out that he had driven the two hours to Rochester to drop off Natalie's prom dress for alterations.  For my parents, a two hour drive is a big deal.  But they came to the city that I live in.  They were only twenty minutes away.  I would have gone to meet them somewhere.

But no.  They would drive two hours to drop of a silly dress, but they wouldn't drive two hours to come see me.  Or let me know they were coming even.  If I asked them to come, they would never do it, they would be too busy hiking or it would be too far of a drive.  But they could drive that far to drop off a stupid dress for alterations.

When I found out, I reeled from the news.  I thought I was more important.  But maybe I jumped the gun into thinking that everything was getting better between us. There are so many "maybe's" running through my mind right now.  I wish I had the answers.  But all I have is this hurt.

I have found however, that when I try to open up and be vulnerable to people, that I regret it.  I see surrounding me Hyper-Spiritual Henry's or I'm the Boss Bob's (names courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscoll) answers.  Struggle and sadness is not allowed. The thought, "Wait, I'm not allowed to have feelings?" runs through my head as soon as I encounter one of these answers.

I don't understand.  I know that part of being a Christian is that Jesus came to take our hurts, but I have to be able to sort through them as a human.  And when I hand it over, I don't want it back.  So I have to process it, and some of that for me includes hurting and talking it through.  If one things works for you, do it. But don't force what you think on someone else, not everyone is wired the same way.

And if you are one of those people out there, whether you've been in my position or whether you're a parent who has done that.  I am so incredibly sorry.  There are no other words for it.  It is a terrible feeling to be passed over by the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And I pray that you are as lucky as I have been and have an amazing group of friends surrounding you helping you.