Somewhere along the way

 Tonight I got a piercing. It's on the outside of my ear- on something called the tragus. It's always been something that I have wanted to do, but never had the guts, so when an excellent opportunity presented itself, I went and got it pierced. 

Tonight I was also told I was doing some pretty rash things.  I didn't agree with the person that said that to me and my sarcasm apparently doesn't travel well through text. Needless to say, it didn't turn out well.  One thing led to another and eventually it all worked out in the end (hopefully).

But on the way home, this one question popped into my mind. 

"Where did I lose myself?"

 I always took pride (I know, a dangerous thing) in knowing that no matter what, I could handle a situation without any help.  I didn't need anyone to lean on and having a shoulder to cry on doesn't exist where I come from.  Being scared of the future is unheard of.  Life has to be figured out ASAP, no room for error. I only needed to know that my God would take care of me.

I got this text that I'm going to share, and it made me stop and think.  

"I think you'll never admit it but you are under a lot of stress between work and school and money and family issues and I think the fact that you are refusing to let people help and are just dealing with it yourself is getting to you..."

Have you ever had a moment where you know something but you won't admit it to yourself until you're told?  This was such a moment. 

This person nailed it right on the head.  I don't let myself admit that things are going wrong.  I know that there are people in my life that would sit and listen and genuinely care.  I know that they would jump to pray with me if I asked, or hug me if I needed one, or just sit there and listen.  But most of the time, I keep my issues to myself.  I share parts of my problems with people, but never a whole issue. It would allow them too close to see the scars, it would give them a chance to break down the walls that I have spent 21 years of my life building. 

So somewhere along the way, I lost who I was; sister, friend, girlfriend, child of a loving God, and I became bitter and resentful and mean.  And I hurt those closest to me.  

Without realizing it, I pushed them away, preferring to be alone in my pain and grief. 

So if you ever run into me, don't believe me when I say that I am okay, or when I say I am good.  Those are my two standard responses, especially when I am just the opposite.  I struggle every single day to wake up and look forward to seeing people, to being at work, to enjoy life.  And I definitely do not stop long enough to enjoy pretty sunsets or flowers (although my Aunt has been teaching me, probably without realizing it, what a joy it is to see those little things everyday).

So please, to all of you who know me and are my friend, please bear with me as I learn to share and be real about my life and my struggles.  And trust me, it is a struggle, but I know in the end it will all be okay.