words

"I'm proud of you"     "I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you."


It's amazing how little words and phrases like that can make your day.  But words in general have the power to tear you apart.  


Today I woke up, took a shower, and turned on my computer.  I checked my school email and then Facebook like I do every morning.  But this morning was different.  I had a message from someone back home that made me smile.  In fact, it brightened my entire day.  At the end of the message this person said "i'm proud of you....just because i am...just for who you are!!"  You might not think that words like that affect someone but it affected me deeply.  I've never heard "I'm proud of you" before this past year.  And coming from the person it came from, it meant a lot to me.


There is something I have learned about the power of words in the past nineteen years and it's this...
Words can affect someone even if you don't see it. 


Words like, 
"You're beautiful"
"I'm so proud of you"
"Love you"
are words that many people don't get to hear very often, if ever. 


 Instead they hear, "You're stupid"  "worthless" "ugly" "you're embarrassing".  


If people only knew what goes on inside of someone when they hear these words.  Sure, they may be really good at hiding their true feelings but deep down, they aren't as strong as they would like to be.  Eventually the wall they've built around their heart will start to crack and it will eventually crumble. They start to make fun of themselves and put themselves down because they don't see themselves as worthy.  But the truth is, all they have heard are lies.  And they are willing to believe these lies because the people they love and trust the most have said them.  The greatest mystery to me is why do we let that happen?  Are we afraid to stand up for someone in case it gets turned on us?  


Maybe we should stop being afraid of what other will say about us or to us and instead stick up for those being hurt the most by their words.

Family

I am having an issue.  And I know that in writing this I will be making a lot of my family angry but I need to say it and if it results in them not speaking to me either, then I apologize for saying what someone needs to say.

My family is acting like a bunch of 2 year olds.  I have aunts and uncles fighting...SIBLINGS aren't speaking to each other, nieces and nephews getting jealous and angry at their aunts and uncles. 

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!  Why are we doing this?  Why can't we all see that it is hurting everyone?!  I may only be 19 years old, but if I can see this, why can't they?  

We weren't put here on earth to hate each other.  My family members have people looking up to them and yet they still do this.  They are arguing and not speaking to each other and they are passing this along to children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  Since when was this okay?  I understand that families fight but normally, they make up, not drag it on and on.   And I'm not taking sides with anyone I just can't talk to anyone about it in my family.  I don't know whole stories but from what I have seen, it's not worth fighting over for this long.

1 Timothy 3:4-5 says "4- He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.  5-(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)..."

and 1 Timothy 5:8 says "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

I won't go into what my thoughts on these passages are or how they relate to what I am writing about because I think it's pretty obvious what I think.  What's not obvious is why we all do this.  And I know it's not just my family that does this, but it's where I have seen it the most recently.  And for those of you who may read this, please, I beg of you, don't do this to your families.  Don't let them remain broken.  It hurts everyone, especially those people who want to see their family members at weddings, graduations, reunions, and random parties- and not just some of them- all of them.

This is a challenge to each generation.  Don't follow in the footsteps of the previous generations.  Show love and not hate.

Looking Ahead

I just got done reading the book Rooms by James L. Rubart and this book taught me a few lessons (even if it's not a true story).  In many ways this book reminds me of The Shack but The Shack focuses mainly on forgiveness and the image of God.

In this book a very successful young man owns his own software company.  He gets a letter from his Great-Uncle saying that he left him a house in an area that this young man has tried to forget about. Well the thing about this house that this young man eventually figures out is that the rooms in this house change.  Every time there is a new lesson to be learned, there is a new room that pops up somewhere in the house.  One of these rooms is completely black and there is a voice in it.  The voice tells the young man that it is himself, the other side of the brain.  So the young man trusts it.  In the end, this voice ended up being a demon trying to confuse and lead this man down the wrong path.  

This made me wonder...what voices are we listening to?  Are we listening to voices that come from God or Satan? That one voice that you instantly trust, who is it?  Are you listening to it based on the Bible and it's teachings or are you just believing and trusting of it?  


A professor of mine once told me to question everything.  Don't just take what you hear and believe it- question it and make your own decision about whatever it is.  

A new school year

Since my last post, many new things have happened and I have learned  more about myself that I could imagine.  I have learned how fragile relationships are for starters.  When I started this summer off, I never expected to be where I am now.  I never would have thought that I would be dating or that I would lose one of my greatest and dearest friends in some capacity.  


My summer has been filled with work, many happy moments, and a few sad ones thrown in there too.  But isn't that how life works?  Always throwing a curve-ball or forcing you to drop on that roller coaster ride...causing your heart to feel like it's about to explode out of your body.  My first experience with that was with a family member that I hold very close in my heart.  The second was with my oldest friends.  But I have learned something from all of this.  You have to take those curve-balls and scary moments and just deal with them.  You can't listen to what other people say, you have to make your own decisions about your life and the people in it.  That's been the hardest thing for me...making my own decisions.  Will I date? Will I go back to school?  What am I going to do when the worst happens? Will I be strong enough for it all when it all seems to come crashing down upon me?  But I started thinking...why do I have to rely solely on myself?  Why haven't I been looking for the people God has put in my life?  Why have I not been leaning on the One who saved my life?  Here's the answer.  


I have been too caught up in the world around me and what others think, that I haven't had time to listen to the people that God has placed in my life.  


It became so easy and commonplace for me to ignore Him and do what I want to do and I wasn't being held responsible for my actions.  When i was being held responsible, I would push away and grow angry and not listen to the people I respect the most.  the hardest part was living with my family over the summer.  After a school year of holding myself responsible, I started to despise the rules I had to go back home to.  I didn't want a curfew because I didn't think it was fair (and I broke it many times hanging out with friends), I would leave as soon as mom or dad were supposed to be home because I didn't want to hear their lectures, etc.  I pushed away my family even farther than I thought I ever would or thought possible.  I broke personal boundaries that I had set for myself and I regret some of it more than anyone will ever know.  But I came out of this summer closer with Natalie who I miss so much and closer with God.  My lessons have been learned (even if I did it the hard way :p ) 


I'm very excited about this school year.  I have good classes with good teachers who love what they do :)  

Facing my old Giants

Yesterday was one of those days that I really needed.  I met with one of the youth leaders at BFW and we went out for ice cream (a must) and then we went walking at Sperr Park.  I had a situation that I wasn't sure about and I wanted some feedback.  Well I got the feedback plus more :) Everything that she said to me, I needed to hear.  It's like God told her what was going on with me and He just gave her the words for me. 

I had been unsure of things in my life like where I fit in and how I can be the light that I have to be without the fear of rejection.  I've grown up knowing so much rejection that most of the time, I am afraid to feel it again.  I thought that I had it all figured out, where I fit in, what I was going to do with my life, everything.  Then I came home for the summer.  My best friends aren't here to reassure me or to lovingly tell me that I'm an idiot :p  I had to come home and face my old rejections one more time which was one of the scariest things ever.  I had found my spring in Rochester and I came home and ended back up in my old winter.  And while it's a familiar season and everything, I miss the spring.  

I wouldn't give up this summer for anything because I have learned so much and I'm still growing but I wish it didn't always hurt so much.  I haven't had the perfect happy family that most people get to have and sometimes I wish I did.  But honestly, I don't know what I would do without my balloons that I keep holding on to.  If I had grown up knowing what love was supposed to be like- the unselfish I will do anything for you love, I would probably not have learned the lessons that I have learned. If it hadn't been for the hurts I wouldn't be at the place I am now. I wouldn't want to learn and grow and ask questions.  

So until this summer ends, I will be facing my old giants but this time I know that I have people surrounding me who won't let me be defeated and I have a God who is greater than anything that the world throws at me.  :)

Forgiveness

I have been hearing a lot about forgiveness lately and I have had to stop and think for a minute.  Why is it soooo hard to forgive someone?  Well, for starters, it's because you want them to hurt as much as you are hurting.  Maybe that's why it is SO huge that God forgives us.  Every time we do something against His will, we are hurting Him but all He does is forgive us.  So why can't we show others that kind of forgiveness?  Alex said in a sermon the other day "when you don't forgive someone, you are holding them back from any kind of relationship with God.  You are also holding yourself back from a relationship with Him."  This really stuck with me because there were people that I wasn't willing to forgive.  Those who had hurt me only minutes ago and those who had hurt me years ago I was so unwilling to forgive- even for the littlest offenses.  But what Alex said has stuck with me and i keep hearing it over and over from other people too so I think maybe I should pay attention to it now.  I was forgiven and saved by a power greater than me and I have been able to forgive myself.  I can move on with my life because the greatest Power I know forgave me and made me feel worthy.  So now it's time to show others that same love and forgiveness.  

Realizations

Ever since I've come home, my life has been consumed with work, friends, and trying to make everybody around me happy.  I've started stretching myself so thin that I don't even know which way to go now.  Which way should I go next?  Should I hang out with my friends?  Should I spend some time getting lost in a new book?  Should I go out and enjoy taking pictures?  What should I do?  What way should I turn?  


It wasn't until after I did some serious soul searching that I realized something...the ONLY place I should be turning is toward God.  I shouldn't be worried about hanging out with my friends, or worried about what the next day at work will hold, I should be focused solely on God.  It was on my drive home from one of my best friend's weddings that I came to this realization.  


I remember telling Carissa that I was never going to get married because I wasn't willing to put up with the hassle of everything.  Well I went to Lauren and Reid's wedding and the entire time I had tears in my eyes because I could see what God had done in their lives.  From Lauren telling Reid that she was SO glad that she would never be marrying him in real life (during a budget project in HS) to seeing them at the altar looking at each other with a love for each other that few people will ever get to know, well it made me start to think.


Why haven't I been leaving this area of my life to God?  why have I started to look other places for this kind of love that only He can provide for me? Then it hit me even harder...I've been PURPOSEFULLY not letting God take control of my life.  I've been holding on to that "balloon" so tightly that I had no more grip left in my hand.  It was slipping out of my control and not into the control of Good but of Evil.  


Well guess what?  It's not my all-consuming thought anymore.  I rest in the peace of knowing that my God has someone out there...or not.  Either way, I rest in the knowledge that God will take care of me either way.