as strange feeling and a realization of true family.

When I went off to college, I wasn't one to look back or get homesick. I started making my own decisions (good and bad) and lived with the results of those decisions.  It landed me in a position where I didn't know if I could continue going to the school I was going to.  But by the grace of God and thanks to some pretty amazing family members, I was able to stay in an area that I fell in love with.  Yes, I was unsure of where I was headed for a while, and I had to get used to a new house with new rules in addition to the adjustment of commuting.

But I did it.

I made life-long friends, found an AMAZING church, and I live with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin- whom I love dearly.  But I do miss my little sister and boyfriend so I took a week off of work and came to Horseheads for a visit.  And all was good. Until today, one of those days where everyone does nothing but fight over the dumbest things you could possibly think of.  And it's then that I find myself homesick for my life in Rochester- where I live in a place that I have never doubted I belong.  And it's such a strange feeling for me.

But at the same time, I found myself so thankful for the people here who have shown love.  The people who come to pick me up and let me hang out at their house until I'm okay to go back because they know what things are really like. The families that since I was in elementary school, have opened their doors when I needed it the most- they are the reason I come back to visit.

And I thank God for them every time I see them, talk to them, or when someone talks about family. Because to me, that's what a family is.  They don't have to be biological, and they don't care if they are or not- they act like themselves around you, and they don't hide their true emotions.  And it took me feeling a little homesick and upset to realize that I do actually have a "family" here.  So when someone asks me why I WOULD come back to this town, it's because of my true family.  And even with a million reasons to stay in the city and never come back, I would visit just so I could see these people.

An experience and a sentence I will never forget

Yesterday was the social work program's yearly trip to the Salvation Army.  During this week, there are no social work classes (something I will miss now that I'm out of the program) and everyone signs up for a different day to go to the Salvation Army and help set people up for Christmas Assistance.  

And every year, I learn something new or something someone says sticks with me.

This year, it was when someone I was interviewing me was telling me about her family.  After calculating incomes all day and seeing all the negative numbers that people have at the end of each month, my heart breaks.  It's so sobering to see how many people live with negative incomes and live day to day, hoping that they will have enough food to feed their families for that day.  

But in the midst of all of these sad stories, I had this one person in particular that said something to me.  They were telling me about their three children.  All of these children went on to colleges like UofR, RIT, and Brockport.  And these children became engineers, nurses, and followed other fantastic careers.  And this person looked at me and said "You see, being poor doesn't have to hold you back.  If you fight hard enough, you can succeed in anything."  

And all I could think about was wow. What a bunch of college kids who pay $35,000 a year to go to school, can learn from a field trip.  We talked about the poor in Cru last week and someone said "the poor touch our lives more than we can touch theirs." And how true that statement is!  

We are so lucky.  We can afford colleges that most can't, we have cars and money to buy food.  

But how often do we stop and think about those that don't?

I know that I can take for granted how much I have.  And how lucky I am.  I have parents that still get my car fixed for me and pay my insurance, an Aunt and Uncle who let me stay with them rent-free when I didn't have anywhere else to go.  I have a little sister that I can afford to take out and spend time with.  And I have jobs with great bosses.  And it still took me twenty and a half years to realize how lucky I am that I don't have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from or how I will get to work. 

So I pray that no matter what your situation is, that you realize how lucky you are that you have everything that you do.  Whether it's parents that love you so much you feel like you're being smothered, or whether it's a job or food.  You are so incredibly blessed. And I hope you can see that and remember those that have almost nothing.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving

This post is different than my usual posts. I am feeling the spirit of Thanksgiving (even if it is still a week away).

  You see, last night, I called my dad to ask him a question, and as soon as he answered the phone ( I was glad it was him), I burst into tears.  To have a friendly voice the day after an awful conversation with my mother, my computer breaking, and everything I have on top of school and my three jobs, was too much.  So the poor guy, who probably can't remember the last time I cried, got to hear it. 

But he was so gracious about it.  He told me that it was okay that my computer didn't work anymore, that he set up a car appointment to get my car fixed next week when I go to visit them, when I didn't think I could handle what life has been throwing me, he was there with encouraging words, and he is the man who always has a silly "joke" to tell me (definitely where I get it). 

In the past, he was always the "fun parent" because as long as we didn't get into trouble, we could do almost anything we wanted to do. 

Now, he is the man that I turn to when my friends/boyfriend are busy with schoolwork or life and don't have time to talk.  When my mom doesn't speak to me for months at a time, he is the one who will pick up the phone and talk. 

And I am so thankful that God gave me a dad who, despite our past, will always be there for me. 

Fog

I have felt for the last week and a half or so as if I was walking around in a fog.  Constantly dizzy, never seeing clarity. And I was getting frustrated with everything.  I couldn't sit through my classes or drive one speed on the road.  


Last night I was driving home from a very confusing small group.  It  seemed like no question was getting answered and it made the fog in my head worse. And to top it off, I felt like I was being pushed into something that I had no idea about.  (which is where I need to learn to be more assertive I guess).  


So my fog continued. And then, I had the worst drive back.  It was so foggy on the way from Brockport to Churchville that I could barely see 10 feet in front of me at times.  And being that there are always deer running across the road, it made me very nervous.  So I'm driving along and all of a sudden, I hit this area where all of the house/porch lights on the street seemed to be catching the fog in a strange way. It made it look like there were car lights headed straight for me. So I got really freaked out. And started to cry...driving down the road...with fog that I couldn't see through.  


And then it hit me.  


Whether physical or mental, fog is dangerous.  You can't see clearly, respond rationally, and it can take away your trust that God will protect you from danger.  It can slip in anywhere that there is a crack in your armor and distract you long enough for the enemy to feed you lies.  And the worst part?  That it sticks and lingers.


Just a thought.

A catch-up on life

As many of you know (if you know me), I changed my major recently. I am no longer a social work student and I am now a Cross-Disciplinary student. My major now consists of a minor and two study/focus areas. Because I have the most credits in social work, that is my official minor. My other focuses are criminal justice and ministry.  


And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.


Up until a month ago, I knew exactly where my life was headed and how I was going to get there. And I think that God likes to change things up a little so we have to rely on Him in even greater measures.  And boy, am I still learning.  


Don't get me wrong, the domestic violence field is still very much implanted in my heart, but not in the same way.  I have been seriously considering being a police officer. And after many people who haven't known this telling me that I should be a cop and that they think I would be good at it, I took to praying about it and seeking God's will through that.  


So in comes the ministry part.  


Not only do I want to apply to the academy, but I also want to be able to minister to the community around me.  I want to start a program for children who have no place to go, no one to really take care of them...I guess you could say I want to start a community outreach. Set children up with mentors, give them a place to hang out after school, just something. 


And on top of all that... I want to try and change the system from the inside out. I am still very passionate about those affected by domestic violence.  I want to try to get laws changed that make it more than a violation.


But who knows where God will take me, except God Himself...


I'll just wait and see what He wants of me.  And I will continue to pray and seek His will. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life.

exercise is good for thinking...

So tonight I was on the track at school and I just had this thought-

We push and push ourselves, sometimes to the breaking point. But what happens when we reach that breaking point?

Some of us have fought cancer and won for a while, until it came back.  Some go through other battles.  Some fight depression and win.  But they get to a point where they feel like they're backsliding.  And others push themselves so hard with a physical injury and they end up injuring themselves worse.

These thoughts led to something else. What happens when we reach these points? When we think we've accomplished the world and then something else unexpected happens, what do we do?  Do we let our failures keep us down? And is it out of fear? Or is it out of defeat?

Are we so willing to let our fears and chances of defeat keep us down?  What does that say for the people around us? The people that look up to us as teachers, mentors, a family members?

It says that we are willing to give up. And they will learn to do the same. And I pray to God that my family members never find me giving up.

You see, about five years ago, I was one of those people who was willing to give into my fears and I tried to give in. I let my depression spiral out of control and I was afraid to ask for help. And it wasn't just fear, I was ashamed too. I was ashamed to ask for the help that I knew I needed.  And then I found out what the knowledge of what I was going through did to my sister.  I had to learn to live my life again, and not give up.

So I pray that when life knocks you down, that you take baby steps (if that's what it takes) and get back up.  Don't admit defeat and don't give in to fear

A kiss from God

My entire day today has been a kiss from God.  I woke up this morning and got ready for church and the sermon was awesome.  


Then I came home, and just chilled around the house. I watched a movie, read some of my book, picked my room up a little, and made plans for tomorrow night.


And then I got a text. Marlise texted me asking what I was doing tonight. I didn't have any plans so I told her I would go to a bonfire with her.  And what a good decision that was! I left the house and went to Wegman's to get stuff to make s'mores with.  Then I stopped for gas and drinks and went on my way to meet her.  I ended up getting to her place before she was back from dinner, so like a creep, I sat in my car in the middle of all of these townhouses for a while.  But it was really good. I called Nick and the sweetheart he is, he kept me company on the phone until Marlise showed up.  That's when the adventure began...


We were on our way to Holly to get to the house that the fire was at.  And because I have no sense of direction and it was dark, Marlise was our navigator.  It was such a blast. I love adventure, and boy, was this one.  :) We made some wrong turns and went past the house we were going to, but we were still able to laugh and enjoy it.  No one freaked out because we got lost, and no one got upset (which is a first for me).  So we finally found the house we were looking for (which we missed because we didn't see the guy standing on the porch...he was dressed in black standing by the driveway...).  


But the entire time we were on our adventure, the laughter was non-stop and crazy.


And it was so nice.  


I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.


And then, my favorite part...


The fire.  Anthony had already started the fire and it was perfect for s'mores. So of course we dug into the marshmallows and chocolate.  And even though we lost some marshmallows due to the tragic fact they caught on fire, we still had fun.  We even got to see the stars (which is one of my favorite things to look at on nice nights- only where I have lived, it's hard to see them with the lights).  


So I would say that today was this amazing kiss from God. A reminder that spontaneous adventures are sometimes the best ones, and that there is something beautiful in every day. But you have to be willing to seek it out. And maybe it means that you get lost along the way, or have to turn around a few times, but it is an adventure nonetheless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.