A birthday tradition I will always hold dear

When I was five years old, this man and I started a tradition; because we share a birthday, he would always take me out to dinner and I would get to chose the restaurant.  I remember the very first time we went because I chose to go to Wendy's.  Of any place to go out and eat, I chose Wendy's.  As I got older, I moved on to Bob Evan's, then to a few other random restaurants in my area, and for the past few years, we've gone to Olive Garden.

When I was born, he was seventy years old.  So at the age of seventy-five, this man was willing to go to Wendy's to eat dinner with my family and I.  He attends the same church as my parents (where I went as a child) and is very involved in the community.  He was an amazing influence in my life.  When I would see him in church on Sundays, I would run over to talk to him.  And every year, my photo albums would gain new pictures from our dinners.

I look up to this man, possibly more than anyone else in my life. And every year, I anticipate when May rolls around so we can continue this tradition.  In more recent years, because of his health and me living in Rochester, we've had to move it around and this year is no different.

What I haven't told you readers yet is that he always asks me to bring my boyfriend to our dinners (if I have one).  What is the reason behind this you ask?  He wants to know that there will be someone to fill his shoes.  He wants to know that this tradition won't die, that someone will care enough to carry it on.

And I hope and pray that the tradition never dies, although I know that it will never be the same without him there at the table making us all laugh and bringing my family together, if only for an hour or two.  So my heart is breaking tonight because I know that time is limited, but I will forever thank God that I have had the honor of sharing a birthday with this man.  God has given me someone to look up to and admire.

This year I will turn twenty-one years old and there is a man that will turn ninety-one.  His health is failing him, but his spirit and courage are strong.

We Are Young

Tonight, I got to hang out with my summer '11 "family" for one last time before some graduate, and the rest of us part for the summer.  This is probably the last time we're all going to be in one place.  

After meeting on campus and joking and reminiscing, four of us decided to go to Tim Horton's and get iced capps one last time together.  For those of you who don't know, this past summer, pretty close to every day for our 10:00 AM breaks, we would go to Tim Horton's for iced capps and breakfast sandwiches.  These friends quickly became my family. We worked together, took insanely long breaks together, and we cleaned so fast that we got to sit a lot and talk and watch 'Alif play angry birds.  

Anyway, so after we left Tim Horton's, we got back into my truck and I plugged my iPod in.  And this song came on.  Well, turns out we all loved it anyway so we cranked up the volume and sang along to it as we drove along.    

Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friend's are in the bathroom getting higher than the 
empire state
My lover she's waiting for me just across the bar
My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking about a 
scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you're trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies
You know I'm trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know it I'm not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let's raise a cup
'Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home tonight

This song ended just as I pulled in to the apartments on campus and put the truck into park.  As everyone was getting ready to pile out and move seats, we realized that this song had a new meaning for us. We gave it a new memory.  

As we are all getting ready to part, either for good or just for the summer, we have so much to face, but we are still young, and we can change the world. We can do so much, shine so brightly.  And at the end of the day, if we start to fall, someone will be there to help us through whatever is going on.  

It was such a bittersweet moment, but it was one that I know I will remember forever.  And this song will forever hold a special place in my heart.

The Fairy Tale and how I made it mine again

When I was younger, I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love until a man on a white horse came sweeping in to rescue me.  And I mean a literal white horse.  I wanted the fairy tale- the man who rescues his damsel in distress.  


Somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, I stopped believing in the fairy tale.  The men in my life, the ones I trusted the most, let me down and I lost faith in any male.  To be fair, it wasn't just the men in my life. It was also the women.  All of the women that couldn't stand up for what they believed in, that wouldn't stand up for those they loved the most.  


I was so sick and tired of watching my friends fall apart over a boy they had been dating a week, and giving up more of themselves to people than they wanted that I decided once and for all that I would be the strong one. I would be the one who never got her heart broken because I wouldn't seriously invest it (my heart) into a relationship.  


I despised the chick flick movies where the girl always ended up with the hero because one day she woke up and realized she couldn't live without him.  Wasn't there a movie out there that somewhat depicted reality?!  


I "dated" my fair share of boys, and I would always dump them as soon as they started to try and peel back my layers or as soon as I felt something for them.  To me it was a game.  Looking back I realize what a cruel, terrible game it was to both those boys and myself.  I played with hearts, and that was a terrible thing to do. 


It took me until my freshman year of college to even think about having a guy as just a friend, and it wasn't until later that summer that I realized that reverting back to my old ways wasn't an option anymore.  


January of my freshman year, this boy randomly started talking to me, after twelve or thirteen years of knowing each other.  We would stay up until all hours of the night (who needs sleep when you're in college, right?) just talking about random stuff.  And at first it was awkward- here was this boy that I never thought would ever speak to me- suddenly talking to me until four in the morning.  


But when I look back at all the confusion I felt about my feelings about him, I realize that he worked his way into my heart somewhere along the line.  I remember telling myself to stop, that he could never have feeling for me, for Pete's Sake, I was his little sister's friend!  But as I was telling one of my friends this over dinner in a fast food court, she told me "Jillian, boys don't stay up until three or four every night talking to a girl they don't have feelings for."  That statement made me realize that maybe I should wait a few weeks and see what happens.  


And I'm glad I did.  


In four months, it will be two years since I started dating this man.  And while sometimes he drives me nuts and I know I drive him insane, he is my fairy tale.  He supports me in what I want to do, and he lets me have the amount of independence that I need. And I don't complain (excessively) when he goes fishing or hunting or plays his video games for thirty-six hours straight.  


He taught me (without realizing it) that my fairy tale can still exist, it just exists in a different capacity than what I thought.  He doesn't ride a horse and I don't need rescuing, but he's my shoulder to lean on when I don't have anyone else.  And while I don't know what the future has in store for us (although he's not good at keeping secrets), I will forever be grateful that he taught me to open my heart and let someone in no matter what happens.   


So if there is one thing that you take away from this, I hope that it is this:


Don't be afraid to let people in, because they will surprise you and sometimes, they will take your breath away.

From heartbroken to heart-beating

For those of you who read my last blog post, I am willing to bet that it was very evident that I was heartbroken.   I didn't know how to move on and have a real relationship with those who had hurt me because my heart felt like it was in so many pieces.  It was written all over my face and in my body language too. I couldn't go five minutes without someone asking me what was wrong or if I was okay, and I didn't know who to talk to.  


Anyway, tonight I went to our campus' monthly service called Heartbeat.  S.P. did a great job delivering the message and it was truly great.  What really got me however, wasn't the message that was given.  It was the message that came to me while we were worshiping at the end.


I saw this anomaly on the projector screen.  It was small enough that you couldn't find it unless you were really staring.  But to me, it stood out, my attention couldn't be diverted from it.  It was moving like a heartbeat. And this....thought...came to me.


"When you feel like your heart is broken, for whatever reason, remember that God's heart is whole and it beats for you.  God's heartbeat should become your heartbeat.  While he is putting the broken, damaged pieces of your heart back together, God connects His heart to yours to keep it beating.  But you have to let Him."


With my heart still being put back together, I realized how much I have been longing for God's heartbeat, and all along it was right there, keeping my heart beating.  But I didn't realize it.  And while my heart may be broken many times over by the ones I love the most, I know now that there is a heart that will beat for mine when mine can no longer beat.  

Too many maybes and too much hurt

Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking that things had changed.  It had seemed so good, so positive lately, that I was finally moving forward.  Past the pain and the hurt, past the cruel jokes.

Things had been so good, so positive, between my parents and I since my February break.  I was finally to the point where I was excited to go visit for a weekend.  Maybe I jumped the gun or maybe I was just being silly and naive.

Three days ago I talked to my dad on the phone.  After talking about what type of officer I want to be, he asked me what I was doing Friday (yesterday).  I told him that other than my normal work hours, I wasn't doing anything because my two classes had been cancelled (the teacher was out of town or something like that).  After telling him this, he said okay and moved to the next topic. And I thought that was that.

Yesterday I found out that he had driven the two hours to Rochester to drop off Natalie's prom dress for alterations.  For my parents, a two hour drive is a big deal.  But they came to the city that I live in.  They were only twenty minutes away.  I would have gone to meet them somewhere.

But no.  They would drive two hours to drop of a silly dress, but they wouldn't drive two hours to come see me.  Or let me know they were coming even.  If I asked them to come, they would never do it, they would be too busy hiking or it would be too far of a drive.  But they could drive that far to drop off a stupid dress for alterations.

When I found out, I reeled from the news.  I thought I was more important.  But maybe I jumped the gun into thinking that everything was getting better between us. There are so many "maybe's" running through my mind right now.  I wish I had the answers.  But all I have is this hurt.

I have found however, that when I try to open up and be vulnerable to people, that I regret it.  I see surrounding me Hyper-Spiritual Henry's or I'm the Boss Bob's (names courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscoll) answers.  Struggle and sadness is not allowed. The thought, "Wait, I'm not allowed to have feelings?" runs through my head as soon as I encounter one of these answers.

I don't understand.  I know that part of being a Christian is that Jesus came to take our hurts, but I have to be able to sort through them as a human.  And when I hand it over, I don't want it back.  So I have to process it, and some of that for me includes hurting and talking it through.  If one things works for you, do it. But don't force what you think on someone else, not everyone is wired the same way.

And if you are one of those people out there, whether you've been in my position or whether you're a parent who has done that.  I am so incredibly sorry.  There are no other words for it.  It is a terrible feeling to be passed over by the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And I pray that you are as lucky as I have been and have an amazing group of friends surrounding you helping you.

Generations

This will be a short one tonight, I promise.


I had a crazy day that started out with witnessing a high speed car chase.  Crazy, right?!  I thought so.  I'd never seen one before.


After that I went on a road trip to see some family members with my cousin.  It was overall a great visit.  I got to visit my Grandma and after she woke up and realized it was me, her face lit up.  We chatted for a while and toward the end of the visit, she said that she was honored to see me, that I had taken time out of my schedule to go see her.  


I've never thought about it before, but as we left, I realized that I was the one that was honored.  To be able to see her and tell her that I loved her.  I walked out of there with a new perspective.  And I found that so often we take for granted the people in our lives, that we don't listen to the lessons that the generations before us try to teach.  They have so many incredible stories. But why don't we ever listen? Why don't we seek it out? Why is it that we visit them begrudgingly, because we feel obligated?


I want to challenge you if you're one of those people.  Don't wait until it's almost too late to take away what you can from the generations preceding you.  They have so many awesome stories, so much knowledge to share, and so much love to give.  So give it back.  Go see someone you don't even know and just sit with them. I bet you'll come away from it a changed person.

Holy Ground. Take your shoes off or ignore it?

I really love my youth ministry class.  And it's all because of this one book that we read.  It's called The Godbearing Life: The art of soul tending for youth ministry. 


We had to read this book and write a report on it.  My original thought was "Oh great, another book I have to read" but as I started it, and my best friend can attest to this, I couldn't stop.  The authors held my attention every time I picked that book up to read.  


But there was one thing that really stood out and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  


When Moses was shepherding his father-in-law's sheep, he was at Horeb which is known as the mountain of God.  To Moses, this was a familiar route, one he knew well and had probably been to many times.  But Moses wasn't expecting anything to happen.  But what happened next? 


A bush was on a fire but it wasn't burning.  How long had this bush been burning?  
Was it something that God had done, hoping someone would walk by and see and the first person that did just happened to be Moses?  Or had God been calling Moses and this was the only way to get his attention?


Moses hid his face in fear.  You see, Moses had killed a man in Egypt and was now facing something that God had sent.  He asked God to send someone else.  
God had a greater plan though.  He used a man who had a dark past to carry out His will!  


So how many of us are ignoring God's call?  When we see the "burning bush" will we remove our sandals, knowing we are standing on Holy ground?  We stand before God, naked in the sense that everything we've ever done will be revealed.  When we go to church, are we expectant for what God will do? Or has it become such a routine that you don't realize the Holy Ground you're standing on and just pass through?


I know for me, it's definitely a challenge to keep a routine action like going to church something that is Holy to marvel at.  Oftentimes, I just walk through seeing the same people week after week.  But that's not how it should be and I think it happens more than we care to admit.  


So I want to challenge you to stand "naked" before God. He already knows what you have done, now be open to Him and show it.  And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:


"Remove your sandals! Leave all that behind. I am not out to destroy you; I am out to change you. Take off those smelly shoes- this is holy ground, the place where you leave your old ways behind and start over as the person I made you to be" (Dean & Foster p.77)