Get swept away, just be able to find your way back

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people that gets swept away in something.  When I'm reading a  good book or watching a movie, the story sweeps me into it's world.  For a few hours, I get to be part of a world completely new and exciting. Take the movie Brave for example (yes, I am using a princess movie as an example).   The story is about a young princess who is constantly at odds with her mother.  All the girl wants is to be heard and have her opinion matter, but pride stands in the way for both mother and daughter so she asks for a spell to change her fate.  The story is so well done that for a few hours I laughed until I cried and lived in a story not so much unlike my own (as far as being at odds with my mother).  

I got so swept up in the story that I left the theater drained.  For me, it happens all the time. I read a good book and the story line takes me into that world. I laugh and cry with the characters, and at the end of the book, if it is a good one, I am left wanting more.  It was the same with this movie.

Then today, I went to church and it was a sad moment for me.  One of my dear friends is leaving this week.  She graduated and is moving on to bigger and better things, becoming a world traveler and continuing her education while doing it.  Today was her last day attending church with me, and next week, another dear friend is leaving to go back home.   While I know that our paths will cross again someday (hopefully sooner rather than later), goodbyes are always difficult.

While I am learning that draining myself is okay, I am also learning to allow myself to fill back up- with the Holy Spirit, love, and friendship.  Being around my friends is one of the best ways for me to wind down from a crazy weekend, and today I got to do just that.  I got to meet some new people and catch up with others.  And at the very end of the day, it was just three of us, hanging out at the park around the corner, talking and playing- not caring who saw us or what they thought of us.

Things like that, after all of the noise and bustle has disappeared, are the best things in life.  Just getting to hang out with those who know you better than most and playing like the children that some of us never got to be is a fantastic way to let out stress and say goodbye.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Step up to the plate

As I step up to the plate to bat, there are already two outs. I know that I do not want to be that third out so the first pitch that comes to me (no pressure at all, right?), I swing my bat at it.  

The ball flies just far enough for me to make it to first base.  

The next person steps up to the bat, gets three strikes, and the inning ends.

Two games ago I was standing in the outfield and had this thought that while in this particular sport we get three strikes before we are out, and three outs before we switch positions on the field with the other team, I am thankful we get many more chances in life. 

Our friends give us second chances (and sometimes third and fourth chances too), our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally no matter how many times we strike out, and God gives us infinitely more chances than anyone else to turn to Him.

Could you imagine if He did not?  If God's love and our eternity depended on the number of strikes we've made in life?  Get three and you're out...that would be terrible!  No one would make it to eternity, which is why we need Jesus.

I have also learned a lot while playing this game.  I've learned what true sportsmanship looks like, how to slow my competitive spirit down, and what teamwork truly is.  

When I was younger, I used to hate to wait around for my teammates to get a ball and instead I would go for it.  I would also get angry when we lost.  I always felt like I had to be the best because my parents were there watching and I didn't want to let them down and show them that I was a failure. That happened with any sport I played, and if they weren't there, I wanted to win so I could go home and tell them that I had done well.  

But I realized that the only person I should be living my life for is God, and He doesn't care if I win or lose a game, just that I stepped up to the plate and tried my best- and that I used the outcome for His Glory.  So the next time you find that you are being competitive or are looking for accolades, don't look to the people around you, look to your Father, the one who breathed you into existence and knew you before you were conceived.  Because nothing here on earth will matter or mean anything when it comes time to stand before God, unless it was done to further the Kingdom of God.

My friends are...

I was looking through my old journals and blog posts today and I saw where I used to be.  


And I look at where I am now. An aspiring police officer wanting to use my ministry concentration to do amazing things within this lifetime.  


I look at the people that used to know me and I realized that today they only see the old me, the girl who was insecure and afraid to saw what I needed or wanted to say.  I used to let them walk all over me and control my life; dictating what I did day-to-day. I was a girl with a faith that was shaky at best who wanted to help people even though I didn't know how to help myself.


So I went to counselling and changed my major, and in doing so, I learned quite a bit about myself.  I have discovered that I do love doing things for people, if I say I will do something for you, please know that I mean it.  I learned to notice when something is my fault and when someone is trying to place blame on me. I learned who was going to be there for me- for real, and who will only be there when they want something out of me. And most importantly, I learned who my God is and who I am in his sight.


In the past three years I have made some amazing friends.  They were there for the transformation and they are willing to see who I am now, not who I was and encourage me throughout that transformation.  They know what I am passionate about, what I can't stand and I know that if I don't want someone in my wedding party, they will do damage control if the person throws a hissy fit (Inside joke, but I could see it happening).  


When I can't speak, these friends are my words. They can look at my face and see what I am thinking or feeling. And I don't always have to speak around them because they know that sometimes I just want to be quiet without being asked what's wrong.  They understand my text messages and don't look for hidden meanings behind my words, because there are none.  


So to these friends, and I think they know who they are, I want to say thank you.  For being willing to call me one my mistakes but love me anyway.  Thanks for being there when I just need a person around, even if I don't want to talk, and for the inside jokes and awkward moments. And thank you for the constant hugs, there is nothing like a hug from your best friends.  


And to my other readers, I pray that you find friends as sweet and as crazy as mine are. Who after only a year, know you better than someone who has known you your whole life.


I just want to end with this quote, which I think is appropriate for the amount of love that friendships bring:


"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Unknown

Prayer request

Today is my 21st birthday. And it has been spectacular- full of friends new and old. But it has been a bittersweet day too. You see my mom called me today. And the man that is very dear to my heart is in the hospital. And not just in the hospital, he's in the ICU. So today I've been trying to find this balance of happy that it's our birthday and sadness because this man is so very sick. So tonight, all I ask is for prayers for this man. That's it...nothing else. Just simply prayers for healing and peace.

A birthday tradition I will always hold dear

When I was five years old, this man and I started a tradition; because we share a birthday, he would always take me out to dinner and I would get to chose the restaurant.  I remember the very first time we went because I chose to go to Wendy's.  Of any place to go out and eat, I chose Wendy's.  As I got older, I moved on to Bob Evan's, then to a few other random restaurants in my area, and for the past few years, we've gone to Olive Garden.

When I was born, he was seventy years old.  So at the age of seventy-five, this man was willing to go to Wendy's to eat dinner with my family and I.  He attends the same church as my parents (where I went as a child) and is very involved in the community.  He was an amazing influence in my life.  When I would see him in church on Sundays, I would run over to talk to him.  And every year, my photo albums would gain new pictures from our dinners.

I look up to this man, possibly more than anyone else in my life. And every year, I anticipate when May rolls around so we can continue this tradition.  In more recent years, because of his health and me living in Rochester, we've had to move it around and this year is no different.

What I haven't told you readers yet is that he always asks me to bring my boyfriend to our dinners (if I have one).  What is the reason behind this you ask?  He wants to know that there will be someone to fill his shoes.  He wants to know that this tradition won't die, that someone will care enough to carry it on.

And I hope and pray that the tradition never dies, although I know that it will never be the same without him there at the table making us all laugh and bringing my family together, if only for an hour or two.  So my heart is breaking tonight because I know that time is limited, but I will forever thank God that I have had the honor of sharing a birthday with this man.  God has given me someone to look up to and admire.

This year I will turn twenty-one years old and there is a man that will turn ninety-one.  His health is failing him, but his spirit and courage are strong.

We Are Young

Tonight, I got to hang out with my summer '11 "family" for one last time before some graduate, and the rest of us part for the summer.  This is probably the last time we're all going to be in one place.  

After meeting on campus and joking and reminiscing, four of us decided to go to Tim Horton's and get iced capps one last time together.  For those of you who don't know, this past summer, pretty close to every day for our 10:00 AM breaks, we would go to Tim Horton's for iced capps and breakfast sandwiches.  These friends quickly became my family. We worked together, took insanely long breaks together, and we cleaned so fast that we got to sit a lot and talk and watch 'Alif play angry birds.  

Anyway, so after we left Tim Horton's, we got back into my truck and I plugged my iPod in.  And this song came on.  Well, turns out we all loved it anyway so we cranked up the volume and sang along to it as we drove along.    

Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friend's are in the bathroom getting higher than the 
empire state
My lover she's waiting for me just across the bar
My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking about a 
scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you're trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies
You know I'm trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know it I'm not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let's raise a cup
'Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home tonight

This song ended just as I pulled in to the apartments on campus and put the truck into park.  As everyone was getting ready to pile out and move seats, we realized that this song had a new meaning for us. We gave it a new memory.  

As we are all getting ready to part, either for good or just for the summer, we have so much to face, but we are still young, and we can change the world. We can do so much, shine so brightly.  And at the end of the day, if we start to fall, someone will be there to help us through whatever is going on.  

It was such a bittersweet moment, but it was one that I know I will remember forever.  And this song will forever hold a special place in my heart.

The Fairy Tale and how I made it mine again

When I was younger, I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love until a man on a white horse came sweeping in to rescue me.  And I mean a literal white horse.  I wanted the fairy tale- the man who rescues his damsel in distress.  


Somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, I stopped believing in the fairy tale.  The men in my life, the ones I trusted the most, let me down and I lost faith in any male.  To be fair, it wasn't just the men in my life. It was also the women.  All of the women that couldn't stand up for what they believed in, that wouldn't stand up for those they loved the most.  


I was so sick and tired of watching my friends fall apart over a boy they had been dating a week, and giving up more of themselves to people than they wanted that I decided once and for all that I would be the strong one. I would be the one who never got her heart broken because I wouldn't seriously invest it (my heart) into a relationship.  


I despised the chick flick movies where the girl always ended up with the hero because one day she woke up and realized she couldn't live without him.  Wasn't there a movie out there that somewhat depicted reality?!  


I "dated" my fair share of boys, and I would always dump them as soon as they started to try and peel back my layers or as soon as I felt something for them.  To me it was a game.  Looking back I realize what a cruel, terrible game it was to both those boys and myself.  I played with hearts, and that was a terrible thing to do. 


It took me until my freshman year of college to even think about having a guy as just a friend, and it wasn't until later that summer that I realized that reverting back to my old ways wasn't an option anymore.  


January of my freshman year, this boy randomly started talking to me, after twelve or thirteen years of knowing each other.  We would stay up until all hours of the night (who needs sleep when you're in college, right?) just talking about random stuff.  And at first it was awkward- here was this boy that I never thought would ever speak to me- suddenly talking to me until four in the morning.  


But when I look back at all the confusion I felt about my feelings about him, I realize that he worked his way into my heart somewhere along the line.  I remember telling myself to stop, that he could never have feeling for me, for Pete's Sake, I was his little sister's friend!  But as I was telling one of my friends this over dinner in a fast food court, she told me "Jillian, boys don't stay up until three or four every night talking to a girl they don't have feelings for."  That statement made me realize that maybe I should wait a few weeks and see what happens.  


And I'm glad I did.  


In four months, it will be two years since I started dating this man.  And while sometimes he drives me nuts and I know I drive him insane, he is my fairy tale.  He supports me in what I want to do, and he lets me have the amount of independence that I need. And I don't complain (excessively) when he goes fishing or hunting or plays his video games for thirty-six hours straight.  


He taught me (without realizing it) that my fairy tale can still exist, it just exists in a different capacity than what I thought.  He doesn't ride a horse and I don't need rescuing, but he's my shoulder to lean on when I don't have anyone else.  And while I don't know what the future has in store for us (although he's not good at keeping secrets), I will forever be grateful that he taught me to open my heart and let someone in no matter what happens.   


So if there is one thing that you take away from this, I hope that it is this:


Don't be afraid to let people in, because they will surprise you and sometimes, they will take your breath away.