answers to unasked prayers

Hav you ever spent so much time listening to drama and other "crap" going on around you that you start to retreat and wish you could just have a normal conversation with someone that doesn't involve sex or alcohol or swearing?

That has been me recently.  I find it hard to open up when the people around me are so absorbed in the drama around them that they cannot see what is in front of them- life.  It is ever changing and always evolving.  And it is moving forward. 

I've learned a lot in my twenty-one short years of life.  One of those being that you have to let go of the past.  You can remember it and think fondly (or not) upon it, but eventually you have to move on past yours and others mistakes and live your life in a way that honors both yourself and God. 

Your past will always be part of your testimony, but the little every day things?  Move on and stop living for those things in the past. 

There's something about college life though, that brings out the worst in people.  Girls get catty and whine, and boys...well, that is a complete mystery to me. 

Tonight I got to run in to a very dear friend of mine.  She has always been there for me, and I always seem to run in to her at exactly the moment I seem to need someone to help uplift me.  She and I sat and talked.  We talked about married life, how my graduation date is closer than I think it is, and we just got to catch up on life.  I look at this woman and I love picturing her as a pastor's wife.  But she is so much more than that!  She is an uplifter, a child of God with a gift of healing.  Not necessarily physical healing (although it woudln't surprise me), but emotional (which will come in handy when she graduates). 

So God answered a prayer for me tonight.  He brought someone along that could uplift me in a moment when I needed it most.  I can now face my upcoming week with a smile on my face, ready to face what the world throws at me.

Technology...more or less connected?

I have been thinking a lot about technology. 

Recently, I did not purchase unlimited minutes for my phone.  When those minutes ran out, I was fine because I looked around my room and I still had my computer.  Well, a few very short days later, my computer blew.  Not blew as in there was smoke and fire, but the cord, which had just been fixed, short-circuited my computer. 

So there I was.  I didn't have a phone or a computer. 

Such a first world problem, right?!

I decided to roll with the punches and my good friend let me check my email every night so I was set.

I was thinking today, while sitting in the ED at Highland (after getting unlimited minutes back on my phone) about how much we rely on technology as a society.  Hospitals have gone digital with their records, patients sit on their phones or iPods the whole time (not that I blame them, stuck in an ED waiting for a Dr. or for their tests to get done), even I was sitting there on my phone texting people and making sure everyone knew we had made the drive because we were driving in a nasty blizzard.

Looking back over the last few days has made me appreciate human contact.  Like having to go to a friend's room to talk to them or planning ahead to meet them for lunch.  I realized that I have retreated into my room at times because technology has seemed so annoying to me.  When someone is blasting their music, reading their texts out loud, checking their email/facebook, and trying to talk to someone else has just gotten to be too much for me.  I retreated into my shell and didn't want to come back out. 

I learned to enjoy books more.  I got a lot farther in my knitting project, and I even got my homework done ahead of time.  I was able to leave my phone behind and forget that it existed. 

Technology, for me, was disconnecting me from people.  What does it do for you? Does it connect you to others or does it hinder your day to day life?

Light piercing the darkness

I was in chapel today and during one of the songs, the projector was showing dark clouds and then, all of a sudden,

the sun shone through those dark clouds.

Inspiration hit me to write down my next thoughts and they went something like this:

No matter how dark it gets, or how lost you feel, God's light will ALWAYS shine through.  It pierces the darkness.  Have you ever thought about how a roach lives?  Roaches live in darkness; when you turn a light on, they scatter. Just like roaches, darkness scatters when light hits it.  So fill you life with light- let it pierce through the darkest parts of your life.

When you feel your light start to waiver, think of a flashlight. When the batteries start to run down, you either get a new flashlight and shine it also, or you replace the batteries.  Well God's light is an unending source of batteries for your life- you just have to let Him get into the dark places of your life/heart.

adventures and lessons learned

These past few months have been quite the adventure, to say the least.  

I took my first road trip to Rhode Island to a conference to see if I wanted a job working for Cru, I fell more deeply in love than ever before, I got to catch up with friends both old and new (and I made a few friends too).  

The trip to Rhode Island had its up and downs.  There was an incident with a dead mouse in a hotel room, I got to eat in a Godfather-style sub shop, and I got to meet some amazing people that I hope to keep in contact with.  I would not take that trip back for the world, and I will always remember it.  While I haven't made up my mind yet on whether I want to work for Cru full-time (that's another story), I am honored and thankful that I got the chance to go.

Since I last wrote, many things in my life have changed.  They're just little changes, ones that even I didn't notice until recently.  

I have learned to not hold hatred in my heart and what it is like to have someone in your life that you love, but they are attached to someone who did wrong to you.  It's a scary thing to let someone go, knowing that you have to move on, wishing you could go back to the way things were.  But looking forward makes for much happier moments.

On Thanksgiving, I got a little piece of my grandma back for a few hours.  My uncle picked up my great-aunt, who happens to have been my Grandma's identical twin (only their voices were different).  So for a few  hours, it was like having my Grandma back.  It's been a little more than eleven years since she died, but having a piece of her, even for those few hours, was the one thing I was most thankful for. 

It doesn't matter what it is, how big or small it is, but as we go from Thanksgiving to Christmas, I want to know what has meant the most to you- What are you most thankful for this season?

Do you love what you do?

How do people know that you love something?  Do you get excited about it and jump up and down for joy, or are you the more reserved type that makes people wait and see?

I'm hoping that you show some sort of enthusiasm when you're talking about (or doing) something you love.

I have a professor that absolutely loves teaching.  By day he is a county prosecutor and by night he is a professor.  This man has made me love criminal procedure so much more than any other professor has ever made me love what I'm studying.  When he talks, he is very animated and makes up the silliest examples, but you know he loves making us laugh while we learn and that he loves teaching.  We all know how to reach him in the event that we need some outside legal advice and he somehow sneaks learning into our fun.

One of my dear friends is going to school for nursing.  I love watching her talk about it because her face lights up and when I have a super bad cut or an infection, she loves inspecting it and making me suck up the cleaning process of said cut.

Someday I hope to be that excited about my profession. I want people to know that I am doing what I'm doing because I love it and I'm passionate about it.  
In the same way, I want people to know how passionate about my faith I am.  I want to be able to reach out to people and love them in a way that exemplifies Christ's love for us.  

If I am not showing my enthusiasm or love for what I do and believe in, what does that say about my life?  If I don't show off my pictures that I'm proud of taking, how will people know that I love photography?  If I spend years writing a book, but I never send it out to get published, how will people know that's what I do, how will they know that writing is my passion?

We have to show that we love what we do or people will never truly know us.  We may not make the same friends that we may have if we'd shared what we were passionate about.  

So what are you passionate about?  What do you absolutely love to do/see? Do you have a hard time showing that enthusiasm? Or are you someone that people can't get to shut up about it? (not that there is anything wrong with that of course).

Trust Me...

Last semester I received a devotional book from a mentor.  I won't lie and say that I read it every day, but this morning I opened it up to find today's date.  As I did so, I stopped on August 22 (yesterday) and the first words I saw were

"Trust Me"

I stopped looking for today's date after those two words.

It goes on to say,

   "Trust Me, and don't be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscle. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan's favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me. Speak out loud, if circumstances permit.  Resist the devil in My Name and he will slink away from you. Refresh yourself in My holy presence. Speak or sing praises to Me, and My Face will shine radiantly upon you.
   Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged NOT GUILTY for all eternity. Trust Me, and don't be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation."  -Jesus Calling

You see, I've been having a hard time trying to figure out what to say, to put my situation right now into words.  I am having a crisis one week before school starts in which I don't know if I'll be able to stay where I am or if I will have to go back to my parents for a semester. I keep saying that it's just a lesson in trust but there's got to be more to it.  Little did I know that God would make a sermon come from one of my pastors that would prepare me for this in a way I did not expect, change my life, and teach me so much in just four days.  It's no accident that I turned to that page first in this little book.

It's a good reminder that Satan is using this time in my life to put fear there. A friend of mine recently said this (paraphrase):

Imagine a pack of gazelles and how they travel together.  When a lion stalks their prey, they are looking for the smallest, the slowest, the weakest, or the injured.  As humans, at one point or another we are put into that position and Satan becomes the lion stalking his prey, waiting to take out the people that are not as strong or as fast as the rest of the pack and then he clamps his jaws around us and tries to take us down.

So while this mess is running it's course, I know that whatever happens will work to God's Will and I have come to have peace that no matter what happens, I will be okay. I still tear up and get nervous, but I have firm belief that my Father will bring me through this with a peace that only He can bring. And I am surrounded by so many people who are covering me with prayers and love, I know that I am not alone and I am SO incredibly thankful that God has already blessed me this abundantly.

Somewhere along the way

 Tonight I got a piercing. It's on the outside of my ear- on something called the tragus. It's always been something that I have wanted to do, but never had the guts, so when an excellent opportunity presented itself, I went and got it pierced. 

Tonight I was also told I was doing some pretty rash things.  I didn't agree with the person that said that to me and my sarcasm apparently doesn't travel well through text. Needless to say, it didn't turn out well.  One thing led to another and eventually it all worked out in the end (hopefully).

But on the way home, this one question popped into my mind. 

"Where did I lose myself?"

 I always took pride (I know, a dangerous thing) in knowing that no matter what, I could handle a situation without any help.  I didn't need anyone to lean on and having a shoulder to cry on doesn't exist where I come from.  Being scared of the future is unheard of.  Life has to be figured out ASAP, no room for error. I only needed to know that my God would take care of me.

I got this text that I'm going to share, and it made me stop and think.  

"I think you'll never admit it but you are under a lot of stress between work and school and money and family issues and I think the fact that you are refusing to let people help and are just dealing with it yourself is getting to you..."

Have you ever had a moment where you know something but you won't admit it to yourself until you're told?  This was such a moment. 

This person nailed it right on the head.  I don't let myself admit that things are going wrong.  I know that there are people in my life that would sit and listen and genuinely care.  I know that they would jump to pray with me if I asked, or hug me if I needed one, or just sit there and listen.  But most of the time, I keep my issues to myself.  I share parts of my problems with people, but never a whole issue. It would allow them too close to see the scars, it would give them a chance to break down the walls that I have spent 21 years of my life building. 

So somewhere along the way, I lost who I was; sister, friend, girlfriend, child of a loving God, and I became bitter and resentful and mean.  And I hurt those closest to me.  

Without realizing it, I pushed them away, preferring to be alone in my pain and grief. 

So if you ever run into me, don't believe me when I say that I am okay, or when I say I am good.  Those are my two standard responses, especially when I am just the opposite.  I struggle every single day to wake up and look forward to seeing people, to being at work, to enjoy life.  And I definitely do not stop long enough to enjoy pretty sunsets or flowers (although my Aunt has been teaching me, probably without realizing it, what a joy it is to see those little things everyday).

So please, to all of you who know me and are my friend, please bear with me as I learn to share and be real about my life and my struggles.  And trust me, it is a struggle, but I know in the end it will all be okay.