My very dear friend Carissa came over today and we started talking about how she and a few seniors at HHS were trying to plan the Baccalaureate service. The only thing is, because a few churches are helping, the school won't even listen to the students who are trying to plan this. However, during these planning sessions, they were looking for people to give their testimonies. They wanted two girls and two boys (to make it even). After some careful thought, they decided that Carissa and Kalissa, two well-known girls would give theirs. Then they started thinking about boys who could give their testimonies. They still haven't found anybody. This is a sobering thought...that they have to search this hard to find even one Christian other than the few people who are KNOWN for their faith. Are we really doing so poorly about getting the word out or are we shoving our faith in other people's faces to the point that they don't want to have anything to do with God? And where do we draw that line between telling and pushing?
Last year, I was one of four people to give my testimony at this service. It is a scary thought to know that what you say into the camera a few weeks or months before the service, will be seen by a large amount of people. It doesn't even seem real until you actually see your face up on the big screen, surrounded by people you've gone to school with for 13 years of your life. Especially when your testimony is not known to the majority of people. For me, the scariest thing was for everybody to find out how I became a Christian and the road that led me there. Especially with my mom, who doesn't share my faith, sitting somewhere out there in the audience. Alot came out that night about me. I've been to the point of almost rock bottom (I'll explain the almost part later on). I thought that ending my life would make everything better...for me, for my family, even for my friends.
The song Hold On by Good Charlotte holds alot of memories for me. It is a song about suicide and the effects that it has on everybody. The lyrics talk about the hopelessness that you feel and how you feel like you're the only one and there's no way out. My favorite parts say "...But we all bleed the same way that you do...and we all have the same things to go through...Hold on if you feel like letting go...hold on it gets better than you know...don't stop looking, you're one step closer...don't stop searching, it's not over...Hold on..."
My life, after I gave it over to God, became impacted by suicide in a few cases. My friend Kim's brother killed himself and my other friend's boyfriend was one of the people who volunteered to clean up the mess. Many of my friends at school were impacted by his death...a few of them I went to youth group with. A boy in Elmira committed suicide and it impacted a few more of my friends. A boy I used to play soccer with killed himself in his basement and his mom found him after she came home from work. For me to think that it was almost my family to find me in that situation and what it would do to all of my friends, almost physically hurt me.
Now, to get back to an earlier comment for a moment...When I said that I've been to the point of ALMOST hitting rock bottom, I don't truly believe that God lets anyone hit rock bottom. It's like a line graph. It has it's points of ups and downs, but it's like God puts a cushion between your lowest point and absolute rock bottom (zero).
So what lessons have I learned in all of this and my past 18 years of life? I've learned that no matter what happens to you, God will pick up the pieces. I've also learned that God uses people that you would never expect to save your life. He may use one, He may use many- but you can be sure that He uses them. Sometimes you have to reach out and help others...but your reaching out could save a life. I've learned my limitations and that I need to just reach out and cling to God and follow Him. And I've learned that just because a person smiles, they might still be upset about something and they are just really good about hiding it.
I want to share one more thing before I head off to bed and that is my life-verse. I was reading the Psalms for my nightly devotionals this past summer and I came across this verse. It's Psalm 3:3 and it says "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high. I've embraced this verse and I hold it very close to my heart because it is a CONSTANT reminder that no matter what I am going through, God is always with me, acting as my shield and lifting my head high.
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