When I went off to college, I wasn't one to look back or get homesick. I started making my own decisions (good and bad) and lived with the results of those decisions. It landed me in a position where I didn't know if I could continue going to the school I was going to. But by the grace of God and thanks to some pretty amazing family members, I was able to stay in an area that I fell in love with. Yes, I was unsure of where I was headed for a while, and I had to get used to a new house with new rules in addition to the adjustment of commuting.
But I did it.
I made life-long friends, found an AMAZING church, and I live with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousin- whom I love dearly. But I do miss my little sister and boyfriend so I took a week off of work and came to Horseheads for a visit. And all was good. Until today, one of those days where everyone does nothing but fight over the dumbest things you could possibly think of. And it's then that I find myself homesick for my life in Rochester- where I live in a place that I have never doubted I belong. And it's such a strange feeling for me.
But at the same time, I found myself so thankful for the people here who have shown love. The people who come to pick me up and let me hang out at their house until I'm okay to go back because they know what things are really like. The families that since I was in elementary school, have opened their doors when I needed it the most- they are the reason I come back to visit.
And I thank God for them every time I see them, talk to them, or when someone talks about family. Because to me, that's what a family is. They don't have to be biological, and they don't care if they are or not- they act like themselves around you, and they don't hide their true emotions. And it took me feeling a little homesick and upset to realize that I do actually have a "family" here. So when someone asks me why I WOULD come back to this town, it's because of my true family. And even with a million reasons to stay in the city and never come back, I would visit just so I could see these people.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
An experience and a sentence I will never forget
Yesterday was the social work program's yearly trip to the Salvation Army. During this week, there are no social work classes (something I will miss now that I'm out of the program) and everyone signs up for a different day to go to the Salvation Army and help set people up for Christmas Assistance.
And every year, I learn something new or something someone says sticks with me.
This year, it was when someone I was interviewing me was telling me about her family. After calculating incomes all day and seeing all the negative numbers that people have at the end of each month, my heart breaks. It's so sobering to see how many people live with negative incomes and live day to day, hoping that they will have enough food to feed their families for that day.
But in the midst of all of these sad stories, I had this one person in particular that said something to me. They were telling me about their three children. All of these children went on to colleges like UofR, RIT, and Brockport. And these children became engineers, nurses, and followed other fantastic careers. And this person looked at me and said "You see, being poor doesn't have to hold you back. If you fight hard enough, you can succeed in anything."
And all I could think about was wow. What a bunch of college kids who pay $35,000 a year to go to school, can learn from a field trip. We talked about the poor in Cru last week and someone said "the poor touch our lives more than we can touch theirs." And how true that statement is!
We are so lucky. We can afford colleges that most can't, we have cars and money to buy food.
But how often do we stop and think about those that don't?
I know that I can take for granted how much I have. And how lucky I am. I have parents that still get my car fixed for me and pay my insurance, an Aunt and Uncle who let me stay with them rent-free when I didn't have anywhere else to go. I have a little sister that I can afford to take out and spend time with. And I have jobs with great bosses. And it still took me twenty and a half years to realize how lucky I am that I don't have to worry about where my next meal is going to come from or how I will get to work.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
In the spirit of Thanksgiving
This post is different than my usual posts. I am feeling the spirit of Thanksgiving (even if it is still a week away).
You see, last night, I called my dad to ask him a question, and as soon as he answered the phone ( I was glad it was him), I burst into tears. To have a friendly voice the day after an awful conversation with my mother, my computer breaking, and everything I have on top of school and my three jobs, was too much. So the poor guy, who probably can't remember the last time I cried, got to hear it.
But he was so gracious about it. He told me that it was okay that my computer didn't work anymore, that he set up a car appointment to get my car fixed next week when I go to visit them, when I didn't think I could handle what life has been throwing me, he was there with encouraging words, and he is the man who always has a silly "joke" to tell me (definitely where I get it).
In the past, he was always the "fun parent" because as long as we didn't get into trouble, we could do almost anything we wanted to do.
Now, he is the man that I turn to when my friends/boyfriend are busy with schoolwork or life and don't have time to talk. When my mom doesn't speak to me for months at a time, he is the one who will pick up the phone and talk.
And I am so thankful that God gave me a dad who, despite our past, will always be there for me.
You see, last night, I called my dad to ask him a question, and as soon as he answered the phone ( I was glad it was him), I burst into tears. To have a friendly voice the day after an awful conversation with my mother, my computer breaking, and everything I have on top of school and my three jobs, was too much. So the poor guy, who probably can't remember the last time I cried, got to hear it.
But he was so gracious about it. He told me that it was okay that my computer didn't work anymore, that he set up a car appointment to get my car fixed next week when I go to visit them, when I didn't think I could handle what life has been throwing me, he was there with encouraging words, and he is the man who always has a silly "joke" to tell me (definitely where I get it).
In the past, he was always the "fun parent" because as long as we didn't get into trouble, we could do almost anything we wanted to do.
Now, he is the man that I turn to when my friends/boyfriend are busy with schoolwork or life and don't have time to talk. When my mom doesn't speak to me for months at a time, he is the one who will pick up the phone and talk.
And I am so thankful that God gave me a dad who, despite our past, will always be there for me.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Fog
I have felt for the last week and a half or so as if I was walking around in a fog. Constantly dizzy, never seeing clarity. And I was getting frustrated with everything. I couldn't sit through my classes or drive one speed on the road.
Last night I was driving home from a very confusing small group. It seemed like no question was getting answered and it made the fog in my head worse. And to top it off, I felt like I was being pushed into something that I had no idea about. (which is where I need to learn to be more assertive I guess).
So my fog continued. And then, I had the worst drive back. It was so foggy on the way from Brockport to Churchville that I could barely see 10 feet in front of me at times. And being that there are always deer running across the road, it made me very nervous. So I'm driving along and all of a sudden, I hit this area where all of the house/porch lights on the street seemed to be catching the fog in a strange way. It made it look like there were car lights headed straight for me. So I got really freaked out. And started to cry...driving down the road...with fog that I couldn't see through.
And then it hit me.
Whether physical or mental, fog is dangerous. You can't see clearly, respond rationally, and it can take away your trust that God will protect you from danger. It can slip in anywhere that there is a crack in your armor and distract you long enough for the enemy to feed you lies. And the worst part? That it sticks and lingers.
Just a thought.
Last night I was driving home from a very confusing small group. It seemed like no question was getting answered and it made the fog in my head worse. And to top it off, I felt like I was being pushed into something that I had no idea about. (which is where I need to learn to be more assertive I guess).
So my fog continued. And then, I had the worst drive back. It was so foggy on the way from Brockport to Churchville that I could barely see 10 feet in front of me at times. And being that there are always deer running across the road, it made me very nervous. So I'm driving along and all of a sudden, I hit this area where all of the house/porch lights on the street seemed to be catching the fog in a strange way. It made it look like there were car lights headed straight for me. So I got really freaked out. And started to cry...driving down the road...with fog that I couldn't see through.
And then it hit me.
Whether physical or mental, fog is dangerous. You can't see clearly, respond rationally, and it can take away your trust that God will protect you from danger. It can slip in anywhere that there is a crack in your armor and distract you long enough for the enemy to feed you lies. And the worst part? That it sticks and lingers.
Just a thought.
Friday, November 4, 2011
A catch-up on life
As many of you know (if you know me), I changed my major recently. I am no longer a social work student and I am now a Cross-Disciplinary student. My major now consists of a minor and two study/focus areas. Because I have the most credits in social work, that is my official minor. My other focuses are criminal justice and ministry.
And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
Up until a month ago, I knew exactly where my life was headed and how I was going to get there. And I think that God likes to change things up a little so we have to rely on Him in even greater measures. And boy, am I still learning.
Don't get me wrong, the domestic violence field is still very much implanted in my heart, but not in the same way. I have been seriously considering being a police officer. And after many people who haven't known this telling me that I should be a cop and that they think I would be good at it, I took to praying about it and seeking God's will through that.
So in comes the ministry part.
Not only do I want to apply to the academy, but I also want to be able to minister to the community around me. I want to start a program for children who have no place to go, no one to really take care of them...I guess you could say I want to start a community outreach. Set children up with mentors, give them a place to hang out after school, just something.
And on top of all that... I want to try and change the system from the inside out. I am still very passionate about those affected by domestic violence. I want to try to get laws changed that make it more than a violation.
But who knows where God will take me, except God Himself...
I'll just wait and see what He wants of me. And I will continue to pray and seek His will. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life.
And I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.
Up until a month ago, I knew exactly where my life was headed and how I was going to get there. And I think that God likes to change things up a little so we have to rely on Him in even greater measures. And boy, am I still learning.
Don't get me wrong, the domestic violence field is still very much implanted in my heart, but not in the same way. I have been seriously considering being a police officer. And after many people who haven't known this telling me that I should be a cop and that they think I would be good at it, I took to praying about it and seeking God's will through that.
So in comes the ministry part.
Not only do I want to apply to the academy, but I also want to be able to minister to the community around me. I want to start a program for children who have no place to go, no one to really take care of them...I guess you could say I want to start a community outreach. Set children up with mentors, give them a place to hang out after school, just something.
And on top of all that... I want to try and change the system from the inside out. I am still very passionate about those affected by domestic violence. I want to try to get laws changed that make it more than a violation.
But who knows where God will take me, except God Himself...
I'll just wait and see what He wants of me. And I will continue to pray and seek His will. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
exercise is good for thinking...
So tonight I was on the track at school and I just had this thought-
We push and push ourselves, sometimes to the breaking point. But what happens when we reach that breaking point?
Some of us have fought cancer and won for a while, until it came back. Some go through other battles. Some fight depression and win. But they get to a point where they feel like they're backsliding. And others push themselves so hard with a physical injury and they end up injuring themselves worse.
These thoughts led to something else. What happens when we reach these points? When we think we've accomplished the world and then something else unexpected happens, what do we do? Do we let our failures keep us down? And is it out of fear? Or is it out of defeat?
Are we so willing to let our fears and chances of defeat keep us down? What does that say for the people around us? The people that look up to us as teachers, mentors, a family members?
It says that we are willing to give up. And they will learn to do the same. And I pray to God that my family members never find me giving up.
You see, about five years ago, I was one of those people who was willing to give into my fears and I tried to give in. I let my depression spiral out of control and I was afraid to ask for help. And it wasn't just fear, I was ashamed too. I was ashamed to ask for the help that I knew I needed. And then I found out what the knowledge of what I was going through did to my sister. I had to learn to live my life again, and not give up.
So I pray that when life knocks you down, that you take baby steps (if that's what it takes) and get back up. Don't admit defeat and don't give in to fear
We push and push ourselves, sometimes to the breaking point. But what happens when we reach that breaking point?
Some of us have fought cancer and won for a while, until it came back. Some go through other battles. Some fight depression and win. But they get to a point where they feel like they're backsliding. And others push themselves so hard with a physical injury and they end up injuring themselves worse.
These thoughts led to something else. What happens when we reach these points? When we think we've accomplished the world and then something else unexpected happens, what do we do? Do we let our failures keep us down? And is it out of fear? Or is it out of defeat?
Are we so willing to let our fears and chances of defeat keep us down? What does that say for the people around us? The people that look up to us as teachers, mentors, a family members?
It says that we are willing to give up. And they will learn to do the same. And I pray to God that my family members never find me giving up.
You see, about five years ago, I was one of those people who was willing to give into my fears and I tried to give in. I let my depression spiral out of control and I was afraid to ask for help. And it wasn't just fear, I was ashamed too. I was ashamed to ask for the help that I knew I needed. And then I found out what the knowledge of what I was going through did to my sister. I had to learn to live my life again, and not give up.
So I pray that when life knocks you down, that you take baby steps (if that's what it takes) and get back up. Don't admit defeat and don't give in to fear
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A kiss from God
My entire day today has been a kiss from God. I woke up this morning and got ready for church and the sermon was awesome.
Then I came home, and just chilled around the house. I watched a movie, read some of my book, picked my room up a little, and made plans for tomorrow night.
And then I got a text. Marlise texted me asking what I was doing tonight. I didn't have any plans so I told her I would go to a bonfire with her. And what a good decision that was! I left the house and went to Wegman's to get stuff to make s'mores with. Then I stopped for gas and drinks and went on my way to meet her. I ended up getting to her place before she was back from dinner, so like a creep, I sat in my car in the middle of all of these townhouses for a while. But it was really good. I called Nick and the sweetheart he is, he kept me company on the phone until Marlise showed up. That's when the adventure began...
We were on our way to Holly to get to the house that the fire was at. And because I have no sense of direction and it was dark, Marlise was our navigator. It was such a blast. I love adventure, and boy, was this one. :) We made some wrong turns and went past the house we were going to, but we were still able to laugh and enjoy it. No one freaked out because we got lost, and no one got upset (which is a first for me). So we finally found the house we were looking for (which we missed because we didn't see the guy standing on the porch...he was dressed in black standing by the driveway...).
But the entire time we were on our adventure, the laughter was non-stop and crazy.
And it was so nice.
I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.
And then, my favorite part...
The fire. Anthony had already started the fire and it was perfect for s'mores. So of course we dug into the marshmallows and chocolate. And even though we lost some marshmallows due to the tragic fact they caught on fire, we still had fun. We even got to see the stars (which is one of my favorite things to look at on nice nights- only where I have lived, it's hard to see them with the lights).
So I would say that today was this amazing kiss from God. A reminder that spontaneous adventures are sometimes the best ones, and that there is something beautiful in every day. But you have to be willing to seek it out. And maybe it means that you get lost along the way, or have to turn around a few times, but it is an adventure nonetheless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Then I came home, and just chilled around the house. I watched a movie, read some of my book, picked my room up a little, and made plans for tomorrow night.
And then I got a text. Marlise texted me asking what I was doing tonight. I didn't have any plans so I told her I would go to a bonfire with her. And what a good decision that was! I left the house and went to Wegman's to get stuff to make s'mores with. Then I stopped for gas and drinks and went on my way to meet her. I ended up getting to her place before she was back from dinner, so like a creep, I sat in my car in the middle of all of these townhouses for a while. But it was really good. I called Nick and the sweetheart he is, he kept me company on the phone until Marlise showed up. That's when the adventure began...
We were on our way to Holly to get to the house that the fire was at. And because I have no sense of direction and it was dark, Marlise was our navigator. It was such a blast. I love adventure, and boy, was this one. :) We made some wrong turns and went past the house we were going to, but we were still able to laugh and enjoy it. No one freaked out because we got lost, and no one got upset (which is a first for me). So we finally found the house we were looking for (which we missed because we didn't see the guy standing on the porch...he was dressed in black standing by the driveway...).
But the entire time we were on our adventure, the laughter was non-stop and crazy.
And it was so nice.
I hadn't laughed that hard in a while.
And then, my favorite part...
The fire. Anthony had already started the fire and it was perfect for s'mores. So of course we dug into the marshmallows and chocolate. And even though we lost some marshmallows due to the tragic fact they caught on fire, we still had fun. We even got to see the stars (which is one of my favorite things to look at on nice nights- only where I have lived, it's hard to see them with the lights).
So I would say that today was this amazing kiss from God. A reminder that spontaneous adventures are sometimes the best ones, and that there is something beautiful in every day. But you have to be willing to seek it out. And maybe it means that you get lost along the way, or have to turn around a few times, but it is an adventure nonetheless and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Wall of Jericho
The other day I was working at the daycare with my friend Megan. It was Bible story time and the day's story was Joshua and the battle of Jericho. So Megan is sitting there reading the story to the children and when she's done, a child said "How can a huge wall like that be knocked down with no weapons. Cheering can't make a wall fall." I stopped what I was doing and Megan said something along the lines of "Sometimes you don't need a weapon to tear a huge wall down. These people had God to do the work for them."
My mind was blown. Once again, God used a friend to speak something hugely profound (if that is indeed proper grammar).
You see, I had started building walls again in my life. I moved off campus, and it was like nothing had changed for the first week. Then school started and so did life again. I had to start scheduling times to see my friends and I knew that I couldn't keep up with everybody. What I wasn't ready for was feeling the loss of friendships. So, I built a wall around my heart and stopped communicating with my best friends. All because I didn't want to feel what I was feeling any more.
But with those two sentences from my friend's mouth, I knew at once I had to let them be torn down. And it's not easy. To let not only God in to tear them down, but to allow the people that have the greatest potential to hurt me in.
I want to close with this from Nathan Foster- a SW professor at Spring Arbor.
"Love is the Remidy" and it is so true. To allow love into my life has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
My mind was blown. Once again, God used a friend to speak something hugely profound (if that is indeed proper grammar).
You see, I had started building walls again in my life. I moved off campus, and it was like nothing had changed for the first week. Then school started and so did life again. I had to start scheduling times to see my friends and I knew that I couldn't keep up with everybody. What I wasn't ready for was feeling the loss of friendships. So, I built a wall around my heart and stopped communicating with my best friends. All because I didn't want to feel what I was feeling any more.
But with those two sentences from my friend's mouth, I knew at once I had to let them be torn down. And it's not easy. To let not only God in to tear them down, but to allow the people that have the greatest potential to hurt me in.
I want to close with this from Nathan Foster- a SW professor at Spring Arbor.
"Love is the Remidy" and it is so true. To allow love into my life has been the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Just Me.
Last weekend, I moved off campus to my Aunt and Uncle's in Churchville. I was so excited.
My boyfriend came up and helped me move, and while it was extremely stressful, I was still super excited to be living off-campus and to be able to afford college.
I had my last week of work and learning to commute...and that leads to today. You see, most of my friends moved onto campus today, and the rest are coming tomorrow. And it wasn't until they all started moving in that I realized I wouldn't be able to walk across campus or next door to see them.
This is an extremely hard realization for me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living in Churchville with my family, but I also had to leave the first place that I felt at home in 20 years. I can honestly say that I think I understand why people don't like moving. And I now understand why my mood was so bad while moving. Because every other time I've moved, I was stressed but was okay. Not this time.
So today, I had a rough day. No lessons, no convictions. Just a girl who misses being able to walk to the room next door to see her best friend. And I know with time it will get easier, but at the moment I have to learn to be okay with just being okay.
"But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high" -Ps 3:3
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A lesson learned in trust
Here's a recap on my past few weeks.
I tried to get a $17000 loan. The problem? It got denied.
So, I had to think of someway to cover that amount of money in three weeks. Then my Aunt and Uncle offered me a place to stay. And then another offer came in for me to babysit in exchange for a place to stay.
In one week, God answered a prayer I didn't think could be answered.
The only problem with this was getting my parents to agree to this plan. So they came up Sunday (two days ago) and we "took care of business" as my mom likes to say (only nothing got accomplished). My dad said that he knew I was going to do what I wanted so I might as well go ahead and my mom did her usual act.
So yesterday (Monday), I went down to Student Services and filled out the application and they told me that I would have my answer by today. I went to Aunt Julie and Uncle Ron's house and had dinner and talked with them and just hoped and prayed that this would all work out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even think straight because I was so stressed out about this. I went to work and on breaks I would check my mailbox. And...nothing. I kept checking, hoping that things would change. By 2 pm, I had heard nothing. So I went to Rinker, back to Student Services, and talked to the secretary at the desk. I asked her about the status of my application and gave her my name. She looked at me, smiled, and said you're good! You got approved! I stood there. Dumbfounded for a minute, then I started smiling and wanted to start jumping up and down.
My next stop was financial aid. And I got my new bill and smiled. I can afford college once again, with a very small loan.
My lesson from all of this? Well, there are a few.
The first? It's Ephesians 6:12 which says,
I learned that turning the other cheek is not as easy as many would have you believe. To just sit and take verbal attacks is sometimes the hardest thing someone can do (at least, for me, this is true).
The biggest lesson I learned though was to trust that God would provide for my needs. I've always been fairly self-sufficient. So to have this circumstance that I couldn't handle, and to have to hand 100% to God...well, lets just say it was a learning experience. One that will stick with me now.
But God does provide. He loves us so much that He takes on our burdens and knows the deepest, most intimate cries of our hearts. There have been moments in the past three weeks when all I could do was fall before Him, wordless, crying out to Him. But He heard me.
Having learned all of these lessons, I pray that it doesn't take the chance that everything you hold dear gets ripped away. I pray that God blesses you abundantly with His love.
-Jill
I tried to get a $17000 loan. The problem? It got denied.
So, I had to think of someway to cover that amount of money in three weeks. Then my Aunt and Uncle offered me a place to stay. And then another offer came in for me to babysit in exchange for a place to stay.
In one week, God answered a prayer I didn't think could be answered.
The only problem with this was getting my parents to agree to this plan. So they came up Sunday (two days ago) and we "took care of business" as my mom likes to say (only nothing got accomplished). My dad said that he knew I was going to do what I wanted so I might as well go ahead and my mom did her usual act.
So yesterday (Monday), I went down to Student Services and filled out the application and they told me that I would have my answer by today. I went to Aunt Julie and Uncle Ron's house and had dinner and talked with them and just hoped and prayed that this would all work out.
I woke up this morning and couldn't even think straight because I was so stressed out about this. I went to work and on breaks I would check my mailbox. And...nothing. I kept checking, hoping that things would change. By 2 pm, I had heard nothing. So I went to Rinker, back to Student Services, and talked to the secretary at the desk. I asked her about the status of my application and gave her my name. She looked at me, smiled, and said you're good! You got approved! I stood there. Dumbfounded for a minute, then I started smiling and wanted to start jumping up and down.
My next stop was financial aid. And I got my new bill and smiled. I can afford college once again, with a very small loan.
My lesson from all of this? Well, there are a few.
The first? It's Ephesians 6:12 which says,
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places."When my mom said she wanted to take the car away, it became a control thing that was being held over me. After some very wise counsel, I said to her that it was okay, she could have the car back. And I left it at that.
I learned that turning the other cheek is not as easy as many would have you believe. To just sit and take verbal attacks is sometimes the hardest thing someone can do (at least, for me, this is true).
The biggest lesson I learned though was to trust that God would provide for my needs. I've always been fairly self-sufficient. So to have this circumstance that I couldn't handle, and to have to hand 100% to God...well, lets just say it was a learning experience. One that will stick with me now.
But God does provide. He loves us so much that He takes on our burdens and knows the deepest, most intimate cries of our hearts. There have been moments in the past three weeks when all I could do was fall before Him, wordless, crying out to Him. But He heard me.
Having learned all of these lessons, I pray that it doesn't take the chance that everything you hold dear gets ripped away. I pray that God blesses you abundantly with His love.
-Jill
Monday, July 11, 2011
Why am I getting a tattoo you ask? Well, here's your answer...
A few years ago, I struggled with severe depression, and for those of you who know my whole testimony, I think you'll understand a bit more what I'm about to say.
Not long after I had a breakthrough with my depression, I was reading my Bible, and came across Psalm 3:3 which says "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high". For me, this had a special meaning because even with everything I went through, and the situations I placed myself in, I realized that this verse had always been true in my life (Even if I hadn't really noticed or payed attention to that verse before).
Looking back, it was only by the grace of God that I am alive today. He truly was a shield around me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I was just listening to a podcast called The Ramp. And in it the speaker just said, that the phrase "lifter of my head" doesn't necessarily mean that God is holding your chin up, but that He is restoring someone back to their original position of authority or responsibility.
My point to this short blog is to explain to everybody why I'm getting this tattoo on September 3. It's because it's my life verse. It's an everyday reminder that I am alive because God restored me back to my responsibility to follow and serve Him. So you may look at me and wonder why I would want this tattooed on me where it will be seen even on my wedding day. But I'm not worried about what it will look like in comparison to my wedding dress because I look at it like this-
1) I'm alive today and I can stand in front of everybody and gladly say that and mean it. And
2) I am following someone who loved me so much, that He sacrificed His ONLY Son in order to save me from an eternity in hell.
Not long after I had a breakthrough with my depression, I was reading my Bible, and came across Psalm 3:3 which says "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high". For me, this had a special meaning because even with everything I went through, and the situations I placed myself in, I realized that this verse had always been true in my life (Even if I hadn't really noticed or payed attention to that verse before).
Looking back, it was only by the grace of God that I am alive today. He truly was a shield around me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I was just listening to a podcast called The Ramp. And in it the speaker just said, that the phrase "lifter of my head" doesn't necessarily mean that God is holding your chin up, but that He is restoring someone back to their original position of authority or responsibility.
My point to this short blog is to explain to everybody why I'm getting this tattoo on September 3. It's because it's my life verse. It's an everyday reminder that I am alive because God restored me back to my responsibility to follow and serve Him. So you may look at me and wonder why I would want this tattooed on me where it will be seen even on my wedding day. But I'm not worried about what it will look like in comparison to my wedding dress because I look at it like this-
1) I'm alive today and I can stand in front of everybody and gladly say that and mean it. And
2) I am following someone who loved me so much, that He sacrificed His ONLY Son in order to save me from an eternity in hell.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Surprises, friends, and God
So what do you get when you put surprises, friends, and God into one day? You get an AMAZING day that will fill you up with the Holy Spirit. Please bear with me as I try to get this all out.
My day started out with the women's breakfast at church. The food was great, the conversation was even better, and the message was amazing.
From there, my good friend Chris picked me up to go to Buffalo to not only surprise my best friend (and her reaction was hilarious. She saw me, ran, and jumped into a hug), but to street evangelize and then go to a worship service. While we were out on the street, it was Rachel, me, and Deborah and there were three instances that really stuck out during this entire time. The first was this lady named Barbara. She was sitting all alone underneath a tree on her walker. So we walked over to her and she has an incredible story. We walked away and we found some little boys. We started talking to them and they were sharp boys. Two of the boy's names were Caleb and Jeremiah so we told them what their names meant and gave them fliers and walked down the street with them.
After the boys went home, my mind went back to Barbara. And all I could think was "Jill, you need to pray for healing for this woman" and I KNOW that it wasn't just my own thoughts. I was thinking about the language barrier we ran into because neither Rachel nor I speak Spanish. So for me to have this thought was really strange. And coupled with this thought was this feeling in my stomach that I couldn't get rid of. It was a mix between anxious and nervousness. And I'm thinking that it was the Holy Spirit making sure I was paying attention. So after we got back to the group to go back, we told our testimonies for the day and then we prayed and the first thing out of my mouth was a prayer for healing for Barbara.
The last instance was with a family. This mother was strapping her son Andreas into a wheelchair/seat and we walked over and introduced ourselves and invited them to church. After we had talked for a little while, we asked if we could pray with them. And while we were praying, you could feel the mother's heart reaching out. It was SUCH a beautiful thing. We started praying for Andreas and when we stopped, we looked at him and where he had been unresponsive before, his head was moving. It was like the holy spirit was making him come alive. It was just such a beautiful thing.
I got to see God move and work through people that I had never met. And there were at least three people that came to Christ. No longer will I doubt what my Father can do.
After hitting the streets, we went back to Rachel's house where we hung out while she was finishing her sermon and I took a nap (It has most definitely been a long day-but a good long). We ended back up at the church around 7 for the service we were inviting the community to. Chris and I pulled out of the parking lot at 10:30. But the time didn't matter, because we were in the presence of our Father. There were three messages given that were amazing and I needed to hear all of them. My favorite quote was "Light is the only thing that can come in contact with filth and remain uncontaminated". That quote will stick with me for a very long time. As long as we have God's light, darkness will flee and the light will remain untouched. Nothing can get rid of it.
I'll close by saying that we serve an AMAZING God who can do ANYTHING. With Him, all things are possible and I pray that if you don't know Him, that you come to know Him.
My day started out with the women's breakfast at church. The food was great, the conversation was even better, and the message was amazing.
From there, my good friend Chris picked me up to go to Buffalo to not only surprise my best friend (and her reaction was hilarious. She saw me, ran, and jumped into a hug), but to street evangelize and then go to a worship service. While we were out on the street, it was Rachel, me, and Deborah and there were three instances that really stuck out during this entire time. The first was this lady named Barbara. She was sitting all alone underneath a tree on her walker. So we walked over to her and she has an incredible story. We walked away and we found some little boys. We started talking to them and they were sharp boys. Two of the boy's names were Caleb and Jeremiah so we told them what their names meant and gave them fliers and walked down the street with them.
After the boys went home, my mind went back to Barbara. And all I could think was "Jill, you need to pray for healing for this woman" and I KNOW that it wasn't just my own thoughts. I was thinking about the language barrier we ran into because neither Rachel nor I speak Spanish. So for me to have this thought was really strange. And coupled with this thought was this feeling in my stomach that I couldn't get rid of. It was a mix between anxious and nervousness. And I'm thinking that it was the Holy Spirit making sure I was paying attention. So after we got back to the group to go back, we told our testimonies for the day and then we prayed and the first thing out of my mouth was a prayer for healing for Barbara.
The last instance was with a family. This mother was strapping her son Andreas into a wheelchair/seat and we walked over and introduced ourselves and invited them to church. After we had talked for a little while, we asked if we could pray with them. And while we were praying, you could feel the mother's heart reaching out. It was SUCH a beautiful thing. We started praying for Andreas and when we stopped, we looked at him and where he had been unresponsive before, his head was moving. It was like the holy spirit was making him come alive. It was just such a beautiful thing.
I got to see God move and work through people that I had never met. And there were at least three people that came to Christ. No longer will I doubt what my Father can do.
After hitting the streets, we went back to Rachel's house where we hung out while she was finishing her sermon and I took a nap (It has most definitely been a long day-but a good long). We ended back up at the church around 7 for the service we were inviting the community to. Chris and I pulled out of the parking lot at 10:30. But the time didn't matter, because we were in the presence of our Father. There were three messages given that were amazing and I needed to hear all of them. My favorite quote was "Light is the only thing that can come in contact with filth and remain uncontaminated". That quote will stick with me for a very long time. As long as we have God's light, darkness will flee and the light will remain untouched. Nothing can get rid of it.
I'll close by saying that we serve an AMAZING God who can do ANYTHING. With Him, all things are possible and I pray that if you don't know Him, that you come to know Him.
Monday, June 13, 2011
You ARE beautiful
Recently I joined a book study hosted by two very dear friends. We're going through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldrige. This book is a book that I have been wanting to read for a very long time so I'm glad I have something to keep me accountable for reading it now.
I was reading chapter three and It's called Haunted by a Question. And as I was reading this, I realized, there has never been a woman who has at all times in their life, felt beautiful. But that leads me to the question. What is true beauty? Is it the models we see on television and in magazines? Is it that actress in our favorite movie? Or is it the woman that we know who lives down the street?
Too often, it is the models and actresses that we see as beautiful. But for most of us, that is absolutely unattainable. But girls still try. They starve themselves, hide behind makeup, or they hide. And so often, I hear parents telling their young girls that they need to lose weight, stop eating so much, or that they will never be beautiful. And it breaks my heart. Young girls need affirmation that they ARE beautiful, that no matter what they look like, they are loved. So why is it that we don't tell them that?
One of the authors of Captivating, Stasi Eldredge writes, "When I was a girl of maybe five years old, I remember standing on top of the coffee table in my grandparents' living room and singing my heart out. I wanted to capture attention- especially my father's attention I wanted to be captivating. We all did. But for most of us, the answer to our Question when we were young was "No, there is nothing captivating about you." Get off the coffee table. Nearly all a woman does is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, "Yes!" " (Eldredge, S. p. 46, 2005).
In response to being told that we are not beautiful or captivating, we try to fill that with things we can control (or think we can). And in trying to fill this emptiness, we become on of two ways (in most cases). There is the dominating woman and the desolate woman. The dominate woman says that she needs no one and she allows no one to see any vulnerability that she may have. In fact, she probably doesn't admit to herself that she could be vulnerable and she doesn't trust anyone. A desolate woman is very vulnerable. She is needy and clings to other people to find her self worth. They are the mothers that call their adult son at least once a day. She hides her beauty because she thinks she has none (Eldredge, 2005).
So what do we do when we feel like we are not beautiful? Well, in my case, I turned to things that I should not have. I started acting out and partying and got into relationships that were destructive. I made so many bad decisions before I learned to look at God to find what was missing in my life. Through these experiences, I learned a lot and wouldn't trade that for anything. But sometimes I look back and wonder if it was possible to change those experiences, would I have? And I wish that I had not given away those pieces of my heart. But then I remember that God can make us victorious and that no matter what, He sees our true beauty and loves us more than any human can. He looks at us and sees our imperfections, but loves us and finds us captivating anyway.
I don't know about you, but I would much rather find my true beauty in God than in humans. When I was wishing for people to tell me I was beautiful, I heard just the opposite. I remember waiting and wishing that one of my parents would find me beautiful, just once, and that they would voice it. But that moment never came. So I want to encourage everyone who happens to read this, to tell someone that they are beautiful and loved. Because maybe, you'll tell someone that has never heard it and maybe, they will see someday that it is true.
I was reading chapter three and It's called Haunted by a Question. And as I was reading this, I realized, there has never been a woman who has at all times in their life, felt beautiful. But that leads me to the question. What is true beauty? Is it the models we see on television and in magazines? Is it that actress in our favorite movie? Or is it the woman that we know who lives down the street?
Too often, it is the models and actresses that we see as beautiful. But for most of us, that is absolutely unattainable. But girls still try. They starve themselves, hide behind makeup, or they hide. And so often, I hear parents telling their young girls that they need to lose weight, stop eating so much, or that they will never be beautiful. And it breaks my heart. Young girls need affirmation that they ARE beautiful, that no matter what they look like, they are loved. So why is it that we don't tell them that?
One of the authors of Captivating, Stasi Eldredge writes, "When I was a girl of maybe five years old, I remember standing on top of the coffee table in my grandparents' living room and singing my heart out. I wanted to capture attention- especially my father's attention I wanted to be captivating. We all did. But for most of us, the answer to our Question when we were young was "No, there is nothing captivating about you." Get off the coffee table. Nearly all a woman does is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, "Yes!" " (Eldredge, S. p. 46, 2005).
In response to being told that we are not beautiful or captivating, we try to fill that with things we can control (or think we can). And in trying to fill this emptiness, we become on of two ways (in most cases). There is the dominating woman and the desolate woman. The dominate woman says that she needs no one and she allows no one to see any vulnerability that she may have. In fact, she probably doesn't admit to herself that she could be vulnerable and she doesn't trust anyone. A desolate woman is very vulnerable. She is needy and clings to other people to find her self worth. They are the mothers that call their adult son at least once a day. She hides her beauty because she thinks she has none (Eldredge, 2005).
So what do we do when we feel like we are not beautiful? Well, in my case, I turned to things that I should not have. I started acting out and partying and got into relationships that were destructive. I made so many bad decisions before I learned to look at God to find what was missing in my life. Through these experiences, I learned a lot and wouldn't trade that for anything. But sometimes I look back and wonder if it was possible to change those experiences, would I have? And I wish that I had not given away those pieces of my heart. But then I remember that God can make us victorious and that no matter what, He sees our true beauty and loves us more than any human can. He looks at us and sees our imperfections, but loves us and finds us captivating anyway.
I don't know about you, but I would much rather find my true beauty in God than in humans. When I was wishing for people to tell me I was beautiful, I heard just the opposite. I remember waiting and wishing that one of my parents would find me beautiful, just once, and that they would voice it. But that moment never came. So I want to encourage everyone who happens to read this, to tell someone that they are beautiful and loved. Because maybe, you'll tell someone that has never heard it and maybe, they will see someday that it is true.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Shadows
Okay, so last night, I was at the Gungor concert at The Father's House here in Rochester. When Gungor first came on stage, there were no lights on them. I looked at the electric player and for a moment in time, I got really nervous. You see, in the shadows, he looked like the shadow-man from Princess and the Frog. So then for a few moments, I thought about shadows and what they mean.
Shadows can hold many secrets and evil things. While not always bad, I still have a fear of them. Because I am afraid of the dark, shadows can have many things in them from animals to evil. So when I saw the figure of the shadow-man in my head, I instantly thought of evil.
If you have never seen Princess and the Frog, the shadow-man is a voodoo man who basically has made a deal with the devil. And the shadows that follow him around make sure that he creates evil and they are his "friends on the other side."
Okay, so back to my point.
Shadows can creep into anything. They can creep into lives, hearts, and even thoughts. For example, my fear of the dark. I don't know what is hiding in the shadows. It could be dogs coming to attack me thinking I'm an intruder or it could be something as harmless as a bunny hopping around trying to get back home. But my mind doesn't go to the animals that are everyday household pets. No, my mind takes me to much darker and scarier things- imaginary monsters that I have created.
Shadows can live in hearts too. And they can grow bigger and bigger if we let them. Shadows can be hurt caused by either ourselves or others, and if we let them fester, they will fester and grow. That is, unless we shine light into them. And by light, as I'm sure you have guessed by now, I mean God. You see, God can make the shadows that have infected your life disappear with just a little light. And maybe they won't disappear overnight, but the light will make those shadows go away as long as you cling to the Light and allow it to grow brighter and brighter.
So maybe if the dark is your fear, allowing Light to grow and flourish is a good way of learning that the dark is not so scary after all. Just a thought.
Shadows can hold many secrets and evil things. While not always bad, I still have a fear of them. Because I am afraid of the dark, shadows can have many things in them from animals to evil. So when I saw the figure of the shadow-man in my head, I instantly thought of evil.
If you have never seen Princess and the Frog, the shadow-man is a voodoo man who basically has made a deal with the devil. And the shadows that follow him around make sure that he creates evil and they are his "friends on the other side."
Okay, so back to my point.
Shadows can creep into anything. They can creep into lives, hearts, and even thoughts. For example, my fear of the dark. I don't know what is hiding in the shadows. It could be dogs coming to attack me thinking I'm an intruder or it could be something as harmless as a bunny hopping around trying to get back home. But my mind doesn't go to the animals that are everyday household pets. No, my mind takes me to much darker and scarier things- imaginary monsters that I have created.
Shadows can live in hearts too. And they can grow bigger and bigger if we let them. Shadows can be hurt caused by either ourselves or others, and if we let them fester, they will fester and grow. That is, unless we shine light into them. And by light, as I'm sure you have guessed by now, I mean God. You see, God can make the shadows that have infected your life disappear with just a little light. And maybe they won't disappear overnight, but the light will make those shadows go away as long as you cling to the Light and allow it to grow brighter and brighter.
So maybe if the dark is your fear, allowing Light to grow and flourish is a good way of learning that the dark is not so scary after all. Just a thought.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
This summer- a new home, a new job, a new life
So I haven't blogged for a while, but I wanted to update you on what is going on in my life because I made a promise when I started this blog that I would always be honest about what's going on in my life. This will be short because it's two in the morning and I have to get up for church.
I decided after some serious thought and prayer that I would not be going back to Horseheads this summer. So I applied to a housekeeping job on campus that was full time- all the while praying that God would show me what H wanted me to do. And so, here I am. On campus, in a building that the fire alarm goes off all the time, with a new roommate. And I honestly feel both lost and at home. You see, I don't have that many friends tying me to Horseheads. My two reservations about leaving were the only two people that I keep in touch with from Horseheads (not for lack of trying to keep in touch with others) and they were my boyfriend and my little sister. I was so torn about not being able to see these two on a consistent basis that I almost went and stayed home where I also had another job offer.
After some serious thought and prayer and finally peace, I was able to see that Rochester (N. Chili) is my home. I have family, pseudo-family, great friends, and an awesome church here. I feel like I can make a difference in this place and I have a faith that I know can take me anywhere that I need to be.
But here's the thing that I have come to realize. You don't know what is going to happen next and there are hard lessons to learn when moving to a new place and being on your own. Like where is your food going to come from when you only have $30 in your checking account until your first paycheck two weeks from when you needed food. And how will I do living on my own and being completely responsible for everything. These are only two things that I am still learning to get through. But let me tell you something, pasta is cheap and God is good.
Now for my summer plans? I may not know completely what I am doing yet, but I do have a trip to DC and Chicago planned for this summer along with a few visits to Clarkson and Horseheads. From here, I will just go and do what my Father has for me. So I will end this now by saying God Bless you and I hope that whatever your plans may be, that you glorify God with them.
-Jill
I decided after some serious thought and prayer that I would not be going back to Horseheads this summer. So I applied to a housekeeping job on campus that was full time- all the while praying that God would show me what H wanted me to do. And so, here I am. On campus, in a building that the fire alarm goes off all the time, with a new roommate. And I honestly feel both lost and at home. You see, I don't have that many friends tying me to Horseheads. My two reservations about leaving were the only two people that I keep in touch with from Horseheads (not for lack of trying to keep in touch with others) and they were my boyfriend and my little sister. I was so torn about not being able to see these two on a consistent basis that I almost went and stayed home where I also had another job offer.
After some serious thought and prayer and finally peace, I was able to see that Rochester (N. Chili) is my home. I have family, pseudo-family, great friends, and an awesome church here. I feel like I can make a difference in this place and I have a faith that I know can take me anywhere that I need to be.
But here's the thing that I have come to realize. You don't know what is going to happen next and there are hard lessons to learn when moving to a new place and being on your own. Like where is your food going to come from when you only have $30 in your checking account until your first paycheck two weeks from when you needed food. And how will I do living on my own and being completely responsible for everything. These are only two things that I am still learning to get through. But let me tell you something, pasta is cheap and God is good.
Now for my summer plans? I may not know completely what I am doing yet, but I do have a trip to DC and Chicago planned for this summer along with a few visits to Clarkson and Horseheads. From here, I will just go and do what my Father has for me. So I will end this now by saying God Bless you and I hope that whatever your plans may be, that you glorify God with them.
-Jill
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Want what you have until...
Something has been on my mind for the past week so I wanted to share it with all of you.
Maybe I'm only noticing this thing now because I had to work through it myself before I could realize it was an issue. But in noticing it, it has caused tears to flow. You might be wondering what I am talking about. Well, here it is.
In the past few days and weeks, I have talked with people who don't realize how good they have it. They have any material possessions that they ask for, a car, parents who love them and would do ANYTHING for them, a college education that their parents are paying for (or helping to pay for). You name it, they probably have it.
But they don't notice.
They just want more.
I look at these people who are just so ungrateful for what they have. And they complain that their parents are overbearing because they (the parents) ask where their child is or where they are going. It brings tears to my eyes because they don't realize just how lucky they are to have parents that actually care and who will miss them. Even those people who are helped through college by their parents. It's small trivial things we don't notice.
Here is an exception. He is actually someONE very important. And His name is Jesus. When it comes to our Christian faith, the ONLY thing we should want more of what we don't have is to be closer to him. Have a hunger for Him every single second of every minute, of every hour, of every day of your life. That is the only thing that we should want that we don't have.
On a more somber note, here is an issue that is not so trivial, yet we still don't notice, or don't take the time to notice it. Do you know how many children don't have a family or parents to call their own? No one is there to care about them. Many are abused, abandoned, homeless. And we sit in our nice houses with all of our fancy gadgets and equipment that isn't necessary for life doing NOTHING to help- complaining about the material things we don't have.
Children in Maltreatment Reports by State, 2002
(n = 318,838)
(n = 318,838)
According to the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, there were 643,067 sheltered and unsheltered homeless persons nationwide on a single night in January 2009. SO WHY ARE WE DOING NOTHING?!
Please, can someone tell me why we're all okay with doing nothing? Why aren't we standing up for injustices?!
You can call me crazy or radical, I don't really care. At least I'm not afraid to speak what's on my mind and look for new ways to see things. I am standing up. What are you going to do?
So here's a challenge.
My challenge for you, for all of us, is to look for something wrong. And fight for it! Don't just sit by and let people walk all over you for your convictions, don't sit there and not see past the end of your nose. Stand up. and do SOMETHING! Big things can come of seemingly nothing.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
midnight ramblings
I was reading through my old blogs and watching the changes I have experienced in the past year. And I have learned SO MUCH about the woman God wants me to be. I've learned about spiritual gifts and have started being able to see what mine are after a long time of searching. I have also been blessed enough to see a breakthrough.
A few weeks or months ago (I don't remember when), I was at this Fearless gathering at my church and that night for the first time in years, I learned the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn- forgiveness. I had held so much bitterness and anger in that I couldn't function anymore.
So here's my Easter miracle...
I went home for Easter break with the thought that I have forgiven my parents and held no anger or bitterness toward them in any way. And somehow, I would show that to them. On the way home, I had a mind-blowing conversation with my dad about prophesy. And he, at his church a few weeks ago, had heard a sermon on it and he was so open to talking about it and gave me some awesome feedback and told me about the sermon and we talked about other things too but that is what sticks out most in my mind. You see, my dad and I have never been able to have a conversation like that before because I was never open to what he had to say.
I got the chance to spend some alone time with my mom. Which I was really nervous about because usually things don't go well between us- we are always disagreeing and arguing about something. But Friday, after I got done helping her with some spring cleaning things, I took her out to dinner and then we went shopping. Well, here's an awesome God-thing. My mom and I spent more than 5 minutes together without fighting. In fact, we spent a few hours with nothing negative said between us. We got along and were able to talk about serious things like my relationship with my boyfriend and school and NOTHING negative was said. For me, I loved seeing that after forgiving her, I have been able to come from a place of great dislike to almost love. And after the weekend I had in Horseheads, I was able to tell her that I loved her. And I wasn't just saying it because she had said it first and I felt obligated- I had said it because I meant it and could feel it.
You might be wondering why I'm telling you all of this. Well, here's why.
I was at TFH a while ago and there was a prophecy that there would be a break-through with families. And I was talking to a friend, and he told me that if I show Christ's love toward my family, maybe they would see it and want it.
Well, I am seeing these things happen and come true!
I came across a saying from Pastor Alex Ruffer back in Big Flats and it was this, "when you don't forgive someone, you are holding them back from any kind of relationship with God. You are also holding yourself back from a relationship with Him."
I have been blessed enough to see this firsthand. By forgiving my parents, I have seen such a change in them. I no longer hold them responsible for things in my past and I no longer blame them. And by the Grace of God, and God only, have I been able to see the breakthrough and changes in my family happen. And it's not just changes in my family. Since forgiving and letting things in my life go, I have been able to get so much closer to God and I can now see the amazing things he is doing in my life! He has blessed me with Godly people that surround me everyday, and to know that He will lift my head high (Ps. 3:3) when I need it is just so amazing. There really aren't even words to describe that feeling.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If we are the body, why AREN'T our hands reaching??
Okay, so for those of you who don't know, there is a song by Casting Crowns called If We Are the Body. I'll put the lyrics here for those of you who have never heard this song before or for those who don't know it very well...
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girl's teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
Jesus payed much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
Now, you're probably wondering why I put that song. Well, here it is...I have been talking to a lot of people about the way that Christians are treating others. If you are a Christian, and you are reading this, I want you to think about what I am about to say very carefully.
First to the Parents: I am addressing you specifically because in the past month I have heard about this issue numerous times. If you are a parent, and your child is dating a non-Christian, how are you treating this person your child is dating? Are you allowing your son or daughter to make their own decisions about who they love? And while I'm not saying it's a good thing they aren't dating a Christian, are you turning them away from Christianity, or are you showing them the same love that Jesus would show them? Jesus didn't sit down with the Christians, he ate dinner with the sinners. If we are always hanging out with other Christians, how are we going to reach out to the non-Christians? I'll put it another way. We can't be a light amongst other lights. If we are candles, once you have a bunch of candles in one area, there is no darkness. So we should spread our light to the dark corners. Darkness flees from the light! Believe that! So stretch out your hands and spread the light!
For the Churches/leaders of the church: I know that there are churches out there that you may not agree with. Here's what I say to that: Instead of telling them that they aren't "true Christians" and shunning them, why don't you join them and bring light to them. Show them the way of Christ. As my friend Rachel so eloquently put it the other night with arms flailing around "If we are the body, why aren't our hands reaching?!" We look at those people coming into church, and they may not be the best dressed and they may stick out. Does that mean we just look at them and pass them by?! NO! Get to know them. Become their friend. Maybe they'll want to come back and maybe, just maybe, God will use you to help heal their broken hearts.
For the people at Christian Colleges (even secular colleges): Instead of shunning or hating the people who don't follow Christ and make mistakes, why don't we start acting like the body of Christ and lift them up when they need help. Why are we continuing to let them walk alone in this world? Girls are getting abused, teased, and are told by society that they aren't good enough. And they walk along the path and you can see they are hurting, but you just look at them and walk by, not caring if they will be okay.
It's time to wake up. We are a generation that has the opportunity to see great things happen if we stop and let it. Don't let the world pass you by. Stretch out your hands to those who need help and use kind words to show love.
It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girl's teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know
But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way
A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road
Jesus payed much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ
Jesus is the way
Now, you're probably wondering why I put that song. Well, here it is...I have been talking to a lot of people about the way that Christians are treating others. If you are a Christian, and you are reading this, I want you to think about what I am about to say very carefully.
First to the Parents: I am addressing you specifically because in the past month I have heard about this issue numerous times. If you are a parent, and your child is dating a non-Christian, how are you treating this person your child is dating? Are you allowing your son or daughter to make their own decisions about who they love? And while I'm not saying it's a good thing they aren't dating a Christian, are you turning them away from Christianity, or are you showing them the same love that Jesus would show them? Jesus didn't sit down with the Christians, he ate dinner with the sinners. If we are always hanging out with other Christians, how are we going to reach out to the non-Christians? I'll put it another way. We can't be a light amongst other lights. If we are candles, once you have a bunch of candles in one area, there is no darkness. So we should spread our light to the dark corners. Darkness flees from the light! Believe that! So stretch out your hands and spread the light!
For the Churches/leaders of the church: I know that there are churches out there that you may not agree with. Here's what I say to that: Instead of telling them that they aren't "true Christians" and shunning them, why don't you join them and bring light to them. Show them the way of Christ. As my friend Rachel so eloquently put it the other night with arms flailing around "If we are the body, why aren't our hands reaching?!" We look at those people coming into church, and they may not be the best dressed and they may stick out. Does that mean we just look at them and pass them by?! NO! Get to know them. Become their friend. Maybe they'll want to come back and maybe, just maybe, God will use you to help heal their broken hearts.
For the people at Christian Colleges (even secular colleges): Instead of shunning or hating the people who don't follow Christ and make mistakes, why don't we start acting like the body of Christ and lift them up when they need help. Why are we continuing to let them walk alone in this world? Girls are getting abused, teased, and are told by society that they aren't good enough. And they walk along the path and you can see they are hurting, but you just look at them and walk by, not caring if they will be okay.
It's time to wake up. We are a generation that has the opportunity to see great things happen if we stop and let it. Don't let the world pass you by. Stretch out your hands to those who need help and use kind words to show love.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Like Children
What is it about children that we all love? Is it their unending energy or watching their faces light up when even something small happens? For me, it's watching their faces light up.
You might be wondering where I am about to go with this. Well, you're about to find out.
Today I was at church and during worship, I happened to open my eyes and look down. And to my left, there was a young child dancing in the aisle. Immediately a thought popped into my head "Why aren't we all dancing in the aisle like this child?"
Please keep in mind that I am by no means an expert on the topic, I am just a college student trying to learn and grow into something bigger than any of us can imagine.
Jesus loved the children. He even told His disciples to let the children come to Him. Matthew 18:2-5 says this: "Then Jesus called a little child to him, set him in the midst of them, and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever receives on little child like this in My name receives Me.""
Now, I'm not saying that you have to stay like little children all of the time. Instead, I believe that as we learn and grow in the Word and grow closer to God, we grow. But I also believe that our initial child-like wonder shouldn't fade like we so often let it. We should still be seeing little things from God that make our faces light up- even if no one understands why.
I know that for me, marveling at God's works like a child doesn't happen very often because I don't allow myself to think that way. At least, that's how it was until today at church. Before I saw that child dancing in the aisle, I found myself almost giddy in amazement at what God is doing and in those moments, I felt very much like a child. I didn't try to pull the logic out of what I was feeling, I just allowed myself to be filled with child-like wonder that something amazing was about to happen.
I want to challenge you. If you have time this week, go for a walk. Explore God's beauty and creation and marvel in it like a child. Allow your face to light up like a child's.
Monday, March 28, 2011
A Courtroom
I want to share something with you that Christopher Hopper said at a Fearless gathering this past week He was giving his sermon on identity and what it means to be a follower of Jesus and at the end, gave us this scene.
Imagine you are in a courtroom and you are on trial for ________. Maybe it's adultery, maybe it's lying, cheating, anger, lust...you put in your own word(s). And the jury right now is deciding whether or not you are guilty of this crime. There is no more chance of defense for you. It's obvious it's you- your DNA is all over the crime scene.
It's time. The Jury is filing back into the courtroom with that little piece of paper saying your verdict. You hear "For the count of ________ this jury finds you guilty.
You know it's over. You're going to die for this. You are about to be Capitally Punished for this. You hear the Judge say "Bailiff, take them away" and you know it's over. As the handcuffs are being put on your wrists, someone raises their hand and asks permission to approach the bench. The Judge grants them permission and you watch the Judge and this stranger talk. You see the Judges head snap up at one point and at last you hear "Bailiff, take this man here in front of me away instead. He has offered to take the place of the accused." After the man is led out of the courtroom, you hear everyone whispering "Do you know who that was?!" Interested, you strain to hear the answer. "It was the Judge's son."
This scene changed my life. In my mind, I saw myself sitting there for anger and bitterness toward one of my parents. I had allowed it to fester and grow and get infected and in the end, the only thing this anger and bitterness did was to hurt every other relationship I had. I don't know about you, but for me, living life like that SUCKS.
I want to challenge you. Imagine it's you in that courtroom being accused of a crime you know you committed and you know you're about to die for. What is that crime? Is it worth dying for? If not, I challenge you to let the Son's death be something big in your life. Follow him and don't let His death on the cross be for nothing.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Breath
Okay, I know, I know, it's been over a month so here it goes...
I have learned this past month or two what it is truly like to be surrounded by Christians. And I don't mean those people that say it but don't live it. I'm talking about people who I can wake up, walk down the hall, and first thing I see is them on the couch. And the first thing out of their mouth to me is "Jill! Listen to this!" and they proceed to tell me about a sermon they watched online from Mars Hill Church, or about what God is doing and how He is moving, or even what they hear from God. And I know that these people are the people who have had, in the past few weeks, a bigger impact on my life than friends I have known for years.
It's amazing to me that sometimes, we wake up and go about our daily lives and forget that God is there. For a day, a week, a month, even a year or more, we forget and ignore Him. Leaving Him to stand knocking. And eventually, maybe we stop feeling Him knock or we have done something in sin that has caused Him to turn His back on us (or spit us out of His mouth). Maybe we have turned our back on Him.
I was in chapel the other day, and the speaker was a doctor in Africa. He made us hold our breath and put our hands in the air. When we couldn't hold our breath anymore, we were supposed to lower our hand. Well, I didn't last much longer than 30 seconds. And by the end of 2 minutes, every hand was down. And then he said this and it has stuck with me ever since.
"We can't go more than two minutes without the need to breathe, so why do we think we can go days, months, years without God? He is the breath of life."
So this made me think. Why DO we think we can go for more than 30 seconds, minutes, days, months, or years without God guiding our way? Is it because we don't want to give up our independence and we're afraid of stepping out from behind our sin and manning up? Or is it because if we lose our sin, we will lose our identity? I don't know about you, but for 17 years, I was afraid of who I would be without my sin. I was afraid to take of the mask and let my life be defined by something...no, someONE else. But there is good news, God will and has placed some amazing people in each of our lives to help build us up and hold us accountable for our actions. You just have to wake up and notice.
I have learned this past month or two what it is truly like to be surrounded by Christians. And I don't mean those people that say it but don't live it. I'm talking about people who I can wake up, walk down the hall, and first thing I see is them on the couch. And the first thing out of their mouth to me is "Jill! Listen to this!" and they proceed to tell me about a sermon they watched online from Mars Hill Church, or about what God is doing and how He is moving, or even what they hear from God. And I know that these people are the people who have had, in the past few weeks, a bigger impact on my life than friends I have known for years.
It's amazing to me that sometimes, we wake up and go about our daily lives and forget that God is there. For a day, a week, a month, even a year or more, we forget and ignore Him. Leaving Him to stand knocking. And eventually, maybe we stop feeling Him knock or we have done something in sin that has caused Him to turn His back on us (or spit us out of His mouth). Maybe we have turned our back on Him.
I was in chapel the other day, and the speaker was a doctor in Africa. He made us hold our breath and put our hands in the air. When we couldn't hold our breath anymore, we were supposed to lower our hand. Well, I didn't last much longer than 30 seconds. And by the end of 2 minutes, every hand was down. And then he said this and it has stuck with me ever since.
"We can't go more than two minutes without the need to breathe, so why do we think we can go days, months, years without God? He is the breath of life."
So this made me think. Why DO we think we can go for more than 30 seconds, minutes, days, months, or years without God guiding our way? Is it because we don't want to give up our independence and we're afraid of stepping out from behind our sin and manning up? Or is it because if we lose our sin, we will lose our identity? I don't know about you, but for 17 years, I was afraid of who I would be without my sin. I was afraid to take of the mask and let my life be defined by something...no, someONE else. But there is good news, God will and has placed some amazing people in each of our lives to help build us up and hold us accountable for our actions. You just have to wake up and notice.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Maybe it IS possible...
For most of my life I have really wanted only one thing. And very few of my friends understood.
I wanted my family and my friends to know Christ the way I do.
I used to pray everyday for this miracle to happen and with every passing day, it would get harder for me to believe. I remember the first time I realized that I was different from my family. I wanted to go to church and get involved but I was met with so much opposition.
After a while, I just stopped believing in miracles and that maybe, just maybe, one day my parents would share my faith. So I admit it, I gave up on God. When I would hear of all the amazing things He has done in people's lives and for others, I would listen to the stories and think "why couldn't He have answered my prayers?"
Then the other day, I heard something that changed my whole belief about God (not) answering. my prayers. I kept going to all of these worship functions and the speakers would talk about how there was "going to be a break through in families and people will turn to God." And I kept hearing Nehemiah 1:9 where (in a nutshell) God tells Nehemiah that if he is faithful, He will bring Nehemiah's people back. And a speaker at TFH applied that to families. And then at CCC last Sunday, PB did his sermon on the same thing. So maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell me to trust in Him and His timing to save them or to not. But I still need to work on that whole trusting thing.
I wanted my family and my friends to know Christ the way I do.
I used to pray everyday for this miracle to happen and with every passing day, it would get harder for me to believe. I remember the first time I realized that I was different from my family. I wanted to go to church and get involved but I was met with so much opposition.
After a while, I just stopped believing in miracles and that maybe, just maybe, one day my parents would share my faith. So I admit it, I gave up on God. When I would hear of all the amazing things He has done in people's lives and for others, I would listen to the stories and think "why couldn't He have answered my prayers?"
Then the other day, I heard something that changed my whole belief about God (not) answering. my prayers. I kept going to all of these worship functions and the speakers would talk about how there was "going to be a break through in families and people will turn to God." And I kept hearing Nehemiah 1:9 where (in a nutshell) God tells Nehemiah that if he is faithful, He will bring Nehemiah's people back. And a speaker at TFH applied that to families. And then at CCC last Sunday, PB did his sermon on the same thing. So maybe, just maybe, God is trying to tell me to trust in Him and His timing to save them or to not. But I still need to work on that whole trusting thing.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Something different. Something new.
Tonight I went to a church worship night. It was one of four nights at The Father's House and this was my first experience there. So as much as I would like to say that I went purely for the worship and message, I did not. I also went to see what it was like and if what people were saying about it was true.
Well, it was. Not only is it a huge building, but the number of people there was staggering for a girl who grew up in a church of 10-15 people and moved to a church of 100-200 to this. I walked in and the first thing I saw was a gift shop area. A GIFT SHOP AREA IN CHURCH?! What the...?! But I was able to get over it fairly quickly because there was so much to see!
After a few minutes, we all found our seats and that's when the fun began. Worship was pretty good but I felt like it was more of a concert than anything. Once the first part of worship came, there was an announcement about how you could buy shirts that they were selling for this four day event. Kind of annoyed me and maybe it's because I have never been to a church like this, but I felt like they were more intent on focusing on people buying things and giving for the offering (if you're an online watcher, donations are accepted through pay-pal).
But then the speaker for the night started worship back up/kept it going (depending on how you look at it) and it was so amazing.
Now, I believe that God performs miracles but because I have never grown up around prophecy, it's still new to me. So I was a little out of my comfort zone but there were some truly miraculous things that happened tonight. Because of tonight's events, I will never be the same. And while it's not something I can describe, it's something I can show with my life. So that's what I'm going to do.
Well, it was. Not only is it a huge building, but the number of people there was staggering for a girl who grew up in a church of 10-15 people and moved to a church of 100-200 to this. I walked in and the first thing I saw was a gift shop area. A GIFT SHOP AREA IN CHURCH?! What the...?! But I was able to get over it fairly quickly because there was so much to see!
After a few minutes, we all found our seats and that's when the fun began. Worship was pretty good but I felt like it was more of a concert than anything. Once the first part of worship came, there was an announcement about how you could buy shirts that they were selling for this four day event. Kind of annoyed me and maybe it's because I have never been to a church like this, but I felt like they were more intent on focusing on people buying things and giving for the offering (if you're an online watcher, donations are accepted through pay-pal).
But then the speaker for the night started worship back up/kept it going (depending on how you look at it) and it was so amazing.
Now, I believe that God performs miracles but because I have never grown up around prophecy, it's still new to me. So I was a little out of my comfort zone but there were some truly miraculous things that happened tonight. Because of tonight's events, I will never be the same. And while it's not something I can describe, it's something I can show with my life. So that's what I'm going to do.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A wrap-up of 2010 and the beginning of 2011
So I know that it has been a while since I last posted anything. In fact, I haven't posted anything since before Thanksgiving break 2010 so here it goes...the wrap up of 2010 and some random thoughts from 2011. So please be patient with all of the jumping around that I do with topics.
Finals week (for the two days I was here) went by really fast but not without some stumbling blocks. It's funny, it was only two days, but in those two days, I had to confront demons that I never thought I would have to face again. But I dealt with them thanks to a few amazing people in my life.
Once I got home and settled into a routine, time started to fly. Before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Natalie and I were singing in church and then we were waking up early and going to Courtney and Nate's for Christmas Day. I wasn't working so I had a ton of lazy time to do absolutely nothing. So that's what I did, nothing. New Year's Eve was spent in the same way it always is- games with the family but there was an addition this year. Nick came down for our annual game of Chicken Foot Dominoes and then we left to watch the ball drop at his house. It was weird...it was the first time I wasn't home for the ball to drop and I didn't have to go to bed as soon as it dropped. So that was the end of a great year and the beginning of a new one.
On New Year's Day I learned I wasn't as strong as I thought I was or wanted to be. We did our annual trip to see some of my relatives because, for the most part, they all live in the same area. But what I wasn't prepared for was what I saw on this trip. If anyone has ever watched someone's health slowly get worse, they'll know what I am talking about. I used to think that I would like to know when death is going to happen but now I'm not so sure. My entire view on death has changed and not just in a Biblical sense. I no longer wish to know when my death is going to come nor do I like seeing someone slowly die because of an illness. I would rather be shocked that it happened even though neither is a good option. I have learned that when I die, I want it to be quick. I don't care so much about how much pain I may be in, but for my loved ones, the less they see me deteriorate the better.
I'm hoping you're still with me.
After New Year's, I knew that the time was coming for me to go back to school or as I refer to it most often (sometimes on accident) home. So Nick went back to school and I followed his example a few days later. I was ready to get out and go back to being who I am, not who my parents wanted me to be.
I came to school and did the usual unpacking and cleaning (two days worth of junk) and then I started classes. I don't have classes Mondays so I spent the entire day bored because I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but watch television or movies. I learned that being back is both a blessing and a curse. But here, I can go to the church I want to go to without arguments and pleading and I can be more comfortable. So here I am, in the third week of school, and I am spreading myself perhaps too thin. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have so much. I have classes and work until 5:45 at night and then I come back and usually go to the gym. Today that changed a little because I am now going to Brockport for a life group (and for those who don't know what that is, it's a small Bible study). So because of that, my Tuesdays are now filled, most Fridays will be filled and Monday nights I have another book study with a group of girls that my RD is hosting.
But I'm so excited for this semester! In book study with Celeste, we are reading a book called Boundaries and I cannot wait to get farther into it! Boundaries are something that so many people, including myself, have issues with. So many are not able to say no and are getting stretched so thin they get burned out. So where do we draw the line between Christianity with good deeds helping others to going overboard with it and letting people walk all over us because we don't have the ability to say no. So needless to say, I am very excited about learning to put physical and emotional boundaries in my life because I don't know how to say "no" when I need to.
So here is a warning for those who may read this, I may be posting more about this topic as the weeks go on. But for now, it is time for me to stop writing and go to bed. So goodnight world!
Finals week (for the two days I was here) went by really fast but not without some stumbling blocks. It's funny, it was only two days, but in those two days, I had to confront demons that I never thought I would have to face again. But I dealt with them thanks to a few amazing people in my life.
Once I got home and settled into a routine, time started to fly. Before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Natalie and I were singing in church and then we were waking up early and going to Courtney and Nate's for Christmas Day. I wasn't working so I had a ton of lazy time to do absolutely nothing. So that's what I did, nothing. New Year's Eve was spent in the same way it always is- games with the family but there was an addition this year. Nick came down for our annual game of Chicken Foot Dominoes and then we left to watch the ball drop at his house. It was weird...it was the first time I wasn't home for the ball to drop and I didn't have to go to bed as soon as it dropped. So that was the end of a great year and the beginning of a new one.
On New Year's Day I learned I wasn't as strong as I thought I was or wanted to be. We did our annual trip to see some of my relatives because, for the most part, they all live in the same area. But what I wasn't prepared for was what I saw on this trip. If anyone has ever watched someone's health slowly get worse, they'll know what I am talking about. I used to think that I would like to know when death is going to happen but now I'm not so sure. My entire view on death has changed and not just in a Biblical sense. I no longer wish to know when my death is going to come nor do I like seeing someone slowly die because of an illness. I would rather be shocked that it happened even though neither is a good option. I have learned that when I die, I want it to be quick. I don't care so much about how much pain I may be in, but for my loved ones, the less they see me deteriorate the better.
I'm hoping you're still with me.
After New Year's, I knew that the time was coming for me to go back to school or as I refer to it most often (sometimes on accident) home. So Nick went back to school and I followed his example a few days later. I was ready to get out and go back to being who I am, not who my parents wanted me to be.
I came to school and did the usual unpacking and cleaning (two days worth of junk) and then I started classes. I don't have classes Mondays so I spent the entire day bored because I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but watch television or movies. I learned that being back is both a blessing and a curse. But here, I can go to the church I want to go to without arguments and pleading and I can be more comfortable. So here I am, in the third week of school, and I am spreading myself perhaps too thin. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have so much. I have classes and work until 5:45 at night and then I come back and usually go to the gym. Today that changed a little because I am now going to Brockport for a life group (and for those who don't know what that is, it's a small Bible study). So because of that, my Tuesdays are now filled, most Fridays will be filled and Monday nights I have another book study with a group of girls that my RD is hosting.
But I'm so excited for this semester! In book study with Celeste, we are reading a book called Boundaries and I cannot wait to get farther into it! Boundaries are something that so many people, including myself, have issues with. So many are not able to say no and are getting stretched so thin they get burned out. So where do we draw the line between Christianity with good deeds helping others to going overboard with it and letting people walk all over us because we don't have the ability to say no. So needless to say, I am very excited about learning to put physical and emotional boundaries in my life because I don't know how to say "no" when I need to.
So here is a warning for those who may read this, I may be posting more about this topic as the weeks go on. But for now, it is time for me to stop writing and go to bed. So goodnight world!
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