Winter

I was reading a book for class recently and the author was talking about the seasons of life.  I have written about the season of winter before, but I have a slightly different perspective on it.

I once believed that as a season of life, winter was harsh and cruel.  Full of ice, cold, and hardship, I never thought about what it could bring.

The author of this book says that winter clears the landscape of our life and gives us a chance to see ourselves and the circumstances of life more clearly.  We get rid of the clutter to find the ground.

The winter is necessary.  Spring is a season of re-growth, but without winter and what it brings, new growth cannot happen.  The ground will not clear and the last few stubborn leaves will not fall without a push.  Winter, in an area where snow (or other precipitation) falls can be beautiful.  Have you ever walked outside after a fresh snowfall?  Nothing has disturbed the fresh snow, the trees are thick with snow, and everything glitters.

I look at the life my Grandmother had.  After she died, I was looking through her family Bible and I saw that she had written something along the lines of, "farming has not been what I expected. It is the opposite and quite a disappointment."  My Grandma could have seen her life as a season of winter; harsh, cold, and brutal.  And I'm sure for a while that she did.  But she and my biological grandfather pushed through and did what they could to provide for their family of ten.  I look at my family, my aunts and uncles, and see that something beautiful came from the winters.  Sure, sometimes I think my whole family is a little crazy and they don't always get along, but they're my family and it's not that hard to see past the crazy.

P. Palmer says, "the winters will drive you crazy until you learn to get out into them."  I think about that statement and my Grandmother's death.  I was going crazy and didn't know how to push through that winter season in my life (and quite honestly, I'm not sure I still do), but I've learned beautiful things through this season.  Yes, I was devastated when she died, but then I look at all of the stories she told me about her life and I piece that together with what my dad has told me.  I have never learned more about my history. The ice is thawing, replenishing the earth with water necessary for survival.  I look at her death now and choose to focus on her life.

So while some may say that summer or autumn or even spring is their favorite season, I prefer to think about the beauty of getting to have a winter season.

I finally stopped to think

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.  In the last month, my Grandma lost her fight for life and I buried myself in anything I could to avoid thinking about it.

But when the time to think comes, it's hard.  I look back on the last two years of my Grandma's life.  She slowly deteriorated from kidney failure and congestive heart failure.  She went from being able to take care of herself to slowly not being able to even feed herself.

For two years I watched my parents struggle.  My dad was using every day he had off from work to travel and take care of anything he could for her.  Every phone call from the nursing home, every trip to take care of her affairs.  It wore them down more than they would ever admit, but they did it.  They spent hours making phone calls to family when things got really bad.  Some listened and some didn't and it was hard.  But they did it.  I have never looked up to my parents as much as I have in that last month of my Grandma's life.

For those two years, I can count on one hand how many times I saw her.  I went once with my cousin when she was in the hospital and once with Nick.  Then Easter came and I saw her.  But that was the last time I saw her alive.  There was one day that I was going to go but I was sick and I knew bringing my germs in the nursing home was not a smart idea.  There are things I regret never saying and never asking her, but for what I do know about her life, I am thankful.  She had a hard life, not much money or possessions but she loved God and was faithful to Him.  She also loved her family.  There wasn't a visit I had growing up that went without her bragging about some family member.  She asked me for two years when she'd get to meet Nick and then she didn't stop talking about finally meeting him whenever she saw my parents.

For a month, I have put away all of the thoughts, all of the feelings aside.  I have refused to think about it.  I buried myself in work and in cleaning (just ask Nick, his apartment is spotless).  But now I have slowed down, getting ready for my last semester.  So I have been able to slow down and think about the events of the last month.  No more putting it off with crazy days on a boat tubing, and fires and cleaning.  Just the cold hard truth of what happened.  I know that death isn't the end, but it still sucks regardless.

Peace

Lately I've been stressing a lot.  None of it was even about school (with a ton of papers and group presentations and only one week of classes left, you would think that would be the issue), instead it was about this coming summer.

I wanted to stay in Rochester but God had other plans.  In two short weeks at this time, I will be back at my parent's house for the summer.  For a month or two I had been praying that God would give me peace about this move.

And it didn't come.

So the last few weeks had been filled with interviews and emails, trying to find a way to stay in the area without a vehicle.  When nothing came to fruition, I did not know how to handle it.  Somewhere deep down inside of me I knew that I was supposed to go back to my parent's but I wasn't able to think about what that meant for me.

For the past four years I have worked so hard to make Rochester my home.  After my sophomore year was over and I had a car, I stayed here year-round and only went home for short spurts of time (I kept my visits to less than a week, usually only a weekend).  I fell in love with the area and the people in it.  When I moved off-campus, while it was a hard transition, I was still in the area.  When I had to unexpectedly move out, it was even harder- the people I had relied on weren't who I expected them to be, but I made it work.  I moved on to something better, I learned that it was okay to let someone go because of the way they treated me or my family, I didn't have to put on a brave face in the moments I was scared anymore.

I came back to campus, had to make new friends (being a commuter makes it really hard to connect with people here on this campus), and I knew I had to find a new church.  But those friends I made (and the ones I got closer to) became my family.  THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had rough nights and couldn't sleep, THEY were the ones that let me stay at their places when I didn't know where to go, THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had my accident, and THEY are the ones that I know will be there fifteen, twenty years down the road. They've taught me that it's okay to be mad, to let people go, and how to love.

So when I thought about leaving this area (notice I said 'the area', I can't wait to graduate), I was torn up inside. I couldn't sleep or eat and I was grumpy most of the time.  I kept praying for peace and I didn't have it-

until last night.

Last night I went to this thing that my campus does- it's a time of worship, speakers, and prayer- and I was just going through the motions, thinking about how to find a job back home, how it would be between my parents and I with me there all the time.  After a conversation about how I have an interview coming up when I get home, I felt like my mom was resistant to me returning.  It was like nothing good could come out of either of our mouths because the other person took it the wrong way.  So as I was sitting down to pray about where my heart was and yet again, for peace, all I could hear was

"Jillian, it will be OKAY. I am with you, everything will work out for the best, this is my plan for you."

In that moment, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace.  It just washed over me and for the FIRST time in a few months, I knew without a doubt that this was what was going to happen, and that I would be okay. Even though it brings tears to my eyes when I think about leaving, I KNOW that my Father is going before me and that these changes will bring me closer to Him.

NOT an April Fool's joke

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone for the last few days.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed.

Getting in a car accident and totaling my truck was not the way I planned on ending my Easter break (which also happened to be April Fool's).  I was thankfully unharmed, but angry that I made it through a white-out where I couldn't even tell where on the road I was (if I was at all) with no problems, only to spin out on black ice.  

But while it was bad, it could have been a lot worse. 

• If I had been in a car, I would've spun more- the length of my truck slowed the spin down
• If I was another foot farther on the bridge, I would've hit the end of the guardrail and probably would've flipped the truck
• Had I hit the other guardrail, and gone over it, it was a longer drop than the small ditch on the side I did crash on
• There was a moment where my dad thought I could get a ticket for the accident (at the time while I was still in shock, that seemed like the absolute worst thing in the world to me).

I looked at this list of what-if's and I kind of laughed. There was SO much that could have gone so much worse than it did.  I am incredibly thankful that I have a Father who loves me and protected me out there.  All I remember was that as soon as I lost control I prayed out for the car behind me to not get hit and that I didn't flip.  I saw sparks as my truck ground against the guardrail and then I stopped.  

I called everyone I needed to call going back and forth between my boyfriend and my dad on the phone.

I cannot stop thanking God that the circumstances He put me in were what they were. Even though my truck is gone, everything went so much better than it should have.

About a mile before I hit the bridge, I saw that the tow truck was finally kicking up water so I knew I wasn't on ice in that moment so I decided to pass him- I was going no more than 40 mph at this point still because we had come out of the storm.  There had also been a car following me closely through the white out so they could stay on the road.  If those two drivers hadn't been behind me when I crashed, I would've been on the road for a long time waiting.

As soon as I put my truck in park, that driver (who happened to be from Elmira originally and headed to Naz) was jumping out of her car and as I called my dad, she called 911.  She had seen me fishtail the first time and backed off.  She stayed with me the whole time and drove me the last half an hour to school.

That tow-truck driver?  He also saw me spin out and pulled over to help.  While 911 and my dad were being called, he was calling a co-worker telling him that we needed another tow-truck (he already had a car on his).

The sheriff that arrived was on the other side of the highway coming down 390 S.  It only took him 10 minutes to get to the crash site.  I watched him make his U-turn about .5 miles down and cautiously come across the bridge to where we were.  He told me that accidents happen all the time on that bridge and he would write up the accident report and then I could get out of the snow and on my way. And yes, I did have to ask him what I was supposed to do with an accident report (school should teach things like this haha).

I'm thankful that I have an amazingly patient boyfriend.  I called him and all I could get out was "Hey, I was in an accident, I'm okay, I have to call my dad back, call you later" (or something along those lines). And he said okay and just texted me to see how close to school I was and to make sure I was safe.

When I called my dad the first thing out of my mouth was an apology for ruining the truck. I was so worried about that stupid THING and all he cared about was that I wasn't hurt and that no one else was involved.  He told me the next day that because my truck was so long, it made my spin a lot slower and protected me more than if I had been in a car.  He came up the next day to look at the truck and then came to see me.  Which was the thing I think I needed most in that moment- just to see a familiar face that had an emotional investment in my wreck and know that it really was okay.

The truck? It was the vehicle I learned to drive on and my dad taught me how to drive it in nasty weather conditions, but black ice doesn't mess around. I was spinning before I could react. The front end was shifted a few inches over, the front bumper was pushed into the tires, and the back end got pushed up.  The amazing thing though was that only the passenger side was hit.  There was NOTHING on the driver's side.  But there is absolutely no hope for repair.

My boyfriend?  Yeah, he woke up at 2:30 to my phone call after talking to me on and off all night. I couldn't close my eyes because I kept seeing the accident so sleep wasn't an option.  He talked me through my tears and stayed on the phone with me until I could finally sleep.  I seriously couldn't have asked for a better man.

I walked away from what could have been a much worse accident. My only injury is whiplash from trying to hold my neck up as I spun (I assume).  The girl that got there first thought she was jumping out of her car to find a bloody, injured body from that crash.  I told one of my friends that if I hadn't believed that God loved me and cared for me before, I definitely would have after.  I don't know how people can walk away from situations like that and not believe that God loves them- or even exists.  It made me realize that even though things may be totally out of control, I am still protected. 

I am a little bitter than even though the DOT had been called out hours previous to my accident, the first truck seen was after the sheriff got to the scene.  Especially after 390 S had been closed for a few hours because of the number of accidents.  But give me a day more and I will be over it.  I am so blessed that something like the DOT being slow cannot hold me back from rejoicing that I am alive and unharmed.

fun(ny) facts I learned today while hiking

Today I learned a few new things about hiking.  I've been hiking many times before, but today was quite the experience.

• If you think you can't walk a hill because your knees are giving out, do it anyway. Chances are, your parents will forget to hand you their keys and you'll be forced to RUN up that hill a few moments later (panicking because you don't know what they'll do at the other end when you don't show up with their car to pick them up) to try and catch up with them.

• Don't try and run up a hill trying to catch your parents unless you want to not be able to walk, burst in to tears, and almost pass out on the trail because you're hyperventilating so hard.

• Prayers do work.  As you're praying to God that your parents heard your frantic bird-call (as a last ditch resort because they didn't hear their names being called) and they'll find you before you literally pass out, remember that He will hear.  And so will your parents.  

• When your dad finds you, he'll then force you to drink tons of Gatorade in between your sobs of relief.

• Those sounds you hear traveling from one side of the hill to the other? That's not a flock of geese, they fly.  Those were coyote pups coming closer...probably due to your hyperventilating and distressed yelling from trying to find your parents. (This is not one of my favorite moments of the day).

• If you look at a hill as you're going down and think to yourself "I should just sit down and go down" you probably should because you'll just end up on your butt anyway only you'll get hurt as you start that descent because you fell.

• Make sure your phone isn't locked in the car before you separate from your group because chances are, you just turned it off and stuck it in your backpack. (This would have made life a lot easier- I could have prevented all of the above).

• If your dad says that the point to pick them up at is programmed in to the GPS, just get the directions because it's probably not in the GPS.

• The pancakes at the Maple Tree Inn in Angelica were totally worth all of that pain.

None of these were funny as they were happening, but now that I'm safely at home, full of pancakes and other yummy goodness, I can finally write all of this and laugh.

Some random thoughts

Just some random thoughts for the night.

• You'll do things to your hair that you regret, and some you don't

• Sometimes you have to not care what people think about your decisions if you know they're right

• Long drives are fun...until they're too long

• A man should always tell his girlfriend she's beautiful, even if she's wearing sweatpants and a hoodie

• The above doesn't mean that you shouldn't look nice ever

• Procrastination is okay, until it's not.

• Some ministry classes do just what it sounds like- they can minister really well.  Others...well, if you get one of those classes you'll understand.

• I like my room clean, can't study if it's not. But five minutes after I'm done with homework/studying it stops being clean

• I've had to learn (sometimes the hard way) which fights to fight and which ones to walk away from

• Your parents still love you, even if they don't know how to show it all the time (okay, ever).

• The future can be a scary thing.  I will always be thankful however, that I do not know what is coming.

• Career (and major) changes can be scary, but oftentimes totally worth it

• Some people come in to your life for a season, but then they leave.  That doesn't mean that you can't trust people.

• In college you'll have some awesome professors and some that will make you want to rip your hair out.

• As a college student, it is acceptable to eat a meal at midnight and stay up until all hours of the night.  Not so much when on break or as you enter the real world.

• Just because a college associates with a Christian culture does not mean that the administration will make their decisions based on Biblical principles or that the students are Christians.

• As one person recently put it as someone was describing my "Christian school"  'Your school just needs Jesus'

• Sometimes Christians are the worst at making people feel left out and judged.

• Sometimes your friends will help you out when you refuse just because they love you.

• A sister will always be there- even when you sound ridiculous and are in a bad mood

Last but not least:

• Your family may not be biological, but if you call them family, it's probably because they act like family with you.  They can be brutally honest or exceptionally loving and you stick together through everything.

what long drives do to me

Now that I drive back and forth where I am to Horseheads a lot more than I did, I have come to love the trip.

I used to see that drive as a scary one. Not sure how the weekend would turn out, who would start yelling first, or how quickly I could leave without seeming rude to my family.  The whole trip there my heart would sink with each mile, as I left my new home for an old one.

Now, I look forward to the trip.  Ever since the events of the week before my senior year happened, my mom and I have been closer than ever before (we actually get along!) and I love going back for visits.  But here's where I struggle.  I went from a tiny town where more kids get in to trouble because the town holds nothing for them, to this city where I have finally found who I am, and I never run out of things to do (the opportunities for ministry are endless too).  And as of right now, I have to leave this place when I graduate to move back to hhds.  I'm excited because getting to my sister's college will be a lot easier from hhds, I'll be closer to my family which means we can continue working on our relationship, and Nick will be there.  On the other hand, I dread going back to the town where I had so many struggles growing up, where there are less opportunities, where it is a struggle to find something to do.

I feel like I could be leaving something unfinished by moving back.  I don't know what that is yet, but I know that there is still something I have to accomplish here (other than my degree). There will be no more impromptu dinners or movie nights with friends, no more bashes in the city.  I now know how my sister felt when she had to move away from the place she called home and I have more time to prepare than she did.  I feel like I've outgrown Horseheads, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just weird knowing I will be there for the next few years, starting over knowing I'll be leaving again soon.

I just ended this drive back from hhds, and these thoughts are still swirling in my head.  The thing that keeps popping back up in my head though is this verse from the Bible:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more important that food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable then they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"           -Matthew 6:25-27

It's a good reminder than no matter how worried or stressed out I get about my future and where I will end up and why, that my Father loves me and still has plans for me that will be carried out.

answers to unasked prayers

Hav you ever spent so much time listening to drama and other "crap" going on around you that you start to retreat and wish you could just have a normal conversation with someone that doesn't involve sex or alcohol or swearing?

That has been me recently.  I find it hard to open up when the people around me are so absorbed in the drama around them that they cannot see what is in front of them- life.  It is ever changing and always evolving.  And it is moving forward. 

I've learned a lot in my twenty-one short years of life.  One of those being that you have to let go of the past.  You can remember it and think fondly (or not) upon it, but eventually you have to move on past yours and others mistakes and live your life in a way that honors both yourself and God. 

Your past will always be part of your testimony, but the little every day things?  Move on and stop living for those things in the past. 

There's something about college life though, that brings out the worst in people.  Girls get catty and whine, and boys...well, that is a complete mystery to me. 

Tonight I got to run in to a very dear friend of mine.  She has always been there for me, and I always seem to run in to her at exactly the moment I seem to need someone to help uplift me.  She and I sat and talked.  We talked about married life, how my graduation date is closer than I think it is, and we just got to catch up on life.  I look at this woman and I love picturing her as a pastor's wife.  But she is so much more than that!  She is an uplifter, a child of God with a gift of healing.  Not necessarily physical healing (although it woudln't surprise me), but emotional (which will come in handy when she graduates). 

So God answered a prayer for me tonight.  He brought someone along that could uplift me in a moment when I needed it most.  I can now face my upcoming week with a smile on my face, ready to face what the world throws at me.

Technology...more or less connected?

I have been thinking a lot about technology. 

Recently, I did not purchase unlimited minutes for my phone.  When those minutes ran out, I was fine because I looked around my room and I still had my computer.  Well, a few very short days later, my computer blew.  Not blew as in there was smoke and fire, but the cord, which had just been fixed, short-circuited my computer. 

So there I was.  I didn't have a phone or a computer. 

Such a first world problem, right?!

I decided to roll with the punches and my good friend let me check my email every night so I was set.

I was thinking today, while sitting in the ED at Highland (after getting unlimited minutes back on my phone) about how much we rely on technology as a society.  Hospitals have gone digital with their records, patients sit on their phones or iPods the whole time (not that I blame them, stuck in an ED waiting for a Dr. or for their tests to get done), even I was sitting there on my phone texting people and making sure everyone knew we had made the drive because we were driving in a nasty blizzard.

Looking back over the last few days has made me appreciate human contact.  Like having to go to a friend's room to talk to them or planning ahead to meet them for lunch.  I realized that I have retreated into my room at times because technology has seemed so annoying to me.  When someone is blasting their music, reading their texts out loud, checking their email/facebook, and trying to talk to someone else has just gotten to be too much for me.  I retreated into my shell and didn't want to come back out. 

I learned to enjoy books more.  I got a lot farther in my knitting project, and I even got my homework done ahead of time.  I was able to leave my phone behind and forget that it existed. 

Technology, for me, was disconnecting me from people.  What does it do for you? Does it connect you to others or does it hinder your day to day life?