For those of you who read my last blog post, I am willing to bet that it was very evident that I was heartbroken. I didn't know how to move on and have a real relationship with those who had hurt me because my heart felt like it was in so many pieces. It was written all over my face and in my body language too. I couldn't go five minutes without someone asking me what was wrong or if I was okay, and I didn't know who to talk to.
Anyway, tonight I went to our campus' monthly service called Heartbeat. S.P. did a great job delivering the message and it was truly great. What really got me however, wasn't the message that was given. It was the message that came to me while we were worshiping at the end.
I saw this anomaly on the projector screen. It was small enough that you couldn't find it unless you were really staring. But to me, it stood out, my attention couldn't be diverted from it. It was moving like a heartbeat. And this....thought...came to me.
"When you feel like your heart is broken, for whatever reason, remember that God's heart is whole and it beats for you. God's heartbeat should become your heartbeat. While he is putting the broken, damaged pieces of your heart back together, God connects His heart to yours to keep it beating. But you have to let Him."
With my heart still being put back together, I realized how much I have been longing for God's heartbeat, and all along it was right there, keeping my heart beating. But I didn't realize it. And while my heart may be broken many times over by the ones I love the most, I know now that there is a heart that will beat for mine when mine can no longer beat.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Too many maybes and too much hurt
Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking that things had changed. It had seemed so good, so positive lately, that I was finally moving forward. Past the pain and the hurt, past the cruel jokes.
Things had been so good, so positive, between my parents and I since my February break. I was finally to the point where I was excited to go visit for a weekend. Maybe I jumped the gun or maybe I was just being silly and naive.
Three days ago I talked to my dad on the phone. After talking about what type of officer I want to be, he asked me what I was doing Friday (yesterday). I told him that other than my normal work hours, I wasn't doing anything because my two classes had been cancelled (the teacher was out of town or something like that). After telling him this, he said okay and moved to the next topic. And I thought that was that.
Yesterday I found out that he had driven the two hours to Rochester to drop off Natalie's prom dress for alterations. For my parents, a two hour drive is a big deal. But they came to the city that I live in. They were only twenty minutes away. I would have gone to meet them somewhere.
But no. They would drive two hours to drop of a silly dress, but they wouldn't drive two hours to come see me. Or let me know they were coming even. If I asked them to come, they would never do it, they would be too busy hiking or it would be too far of a drive. But they could drive that far to drop off a stupid dress for alterations.
When I found out, I reeled from the news. I thought I was more important. But maybe I jumped the gun into thinking that everything was getting better between us. There are so many "maybe's" running through my mind right now. I wish I had the answers. But all I have is this hurt.
I have found however, that when I try to open up and be vulnerable to people, that I regret it. I see surrounding me Hyper-Spiritual Henry's or I'm the Boss Bob's (names courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscoll) answers. Struggle and sadness is not allowed. The thought, "Wait, I'm not allowed to have feelings?" runs through my head as soon as I encounter one of these answers.
I don't understand. I know that part of being a Christian is that Jesus came to take our hurts, but I have to be able to sort through them as a human. And when I hand it over, I don't want it back. So I have to process it, and some of that for me includes hurting and talking it through. If one things works for you, do it. But don't force what you think on someone else, not everyone is wired the same way.
And if you are one of those people out there, whether you've been in my position or whether you're a parent who has done that. I am so incredibly sorry. There are no other words for it. It is a terrible feeling to be passed over by the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And I pray that you are as lucky as I have been and have an amazing group of friends surrounding you helping you.
Things had been so good, so positive, between my parents and I since my February break. I was finally to the point where I was excited to go visit for a weekend. Maybe I jumped the gun or maybe I was just being silly and naive.
Three days ago I talked to my dad on the phone. After talking about what type of officer I want to be, he asked me what I was doing Friday (yesterday). I told him that other than my normal work hours, I wasn't doing anything because my two classes had been cancelled (the teacher was out of town or something like that). After telling him this, he said okay and moved to the next topic. And I thought that was that.
Yesterday I found out that he had driven the two hours to Rochester to drop off Natalie's prom dress for alterations. For my parents, a two hour drive is a big deal. But they came to the city that I live in. They were only twenty minutes away. I would have gone to meet them somewhere.
But no. They would drive two hours to drop of a silly dress, but they wouldn't drive two hours to come see me. Or let me know they were coming even. If I asked them to come, they would never do it, they would be too busy hiking or it would be too far of a drive. But they could drive that far to drop off a stupid dress for alterations.
When I found out, I reeled from the news. I thought I was more important. But maybe I jumped the gun into thinking that everything was getting better between us. There are so many "maybe's" running through my mind right now. I wish I had the answers. But all I have is this hurt.
I have found however, that when I try to open up and be vulnerable to people, that I regret it. I see surrounding me Hyper-Spiritual Henry's or I'm the Boss Bob's (names courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscoll) answers. Struggle and sadness is not allowed. The thought, "Wait, I'm not allowed to have feelings?" runs through my head as soon as I encounter one of these answers.
I don't understand. I know that part of being a Christian is that Jesus came to take our hurts, but I have to be able to sort through them as a human. And when I hand it over, I don't want it back. So I have to process it, and some of that for me includes hurting and talking it through. If one things works for you, do it. But don't force what you think on someone else, not everyone is wired the same way.
And if you are one of those people out there, whether you've been in my position or whether you're a parent who has done that. I am so incredibly sorry. There are no other words for it. It is a terrible feeling to be passed over by the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And I pray that you are as lucky as I have been and have an amazing group of friends surrounding you helping you.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Generations
This will be a short one tonight, I promise.
I had a crazy day that started out with witnessing a high speed car chase. Crazy, right?! I thought so. I'd never seen one before.
After that I went on a road trip to see some family members with my cousin. It was overall a great visit. I got to visit my Grandma and after she woke up and realized it was me, her face lit up. We chatted for a while and toward the end of the visit, she said that she was honored to see me, that I had taken time out of my schedule to go see her.
I've never thought about it before, but as we left, I realized that I was the one that was honored. To be able to see her and tell her that I loved her. I walked out of there with a new perspective. And I found that so often we take for granted the people in our lives, that we don't listen to the lessons that the generations before us try to teach. They have so many incredible stories. But why don't we ever listen? Why don't we seek it out? Why is it that we visit them begrudgingly, because we feel obligated?
I want to challenge you if you're one of those people. Don't wait until it's almost too late to take away what you can from the generations preceding you. They have so many awesome stories, so much knowledge to share, and so much love to give. So give it back. Go see someone you don't even know and just sit with them. I bet you'll come away from it a changed person.
I had a crazy day that started out with witnessing a high speed car chase. Crazy, right?! I thought so. I'd never seen one before.
After that I went on a road trip to see some family members with my cousin. It was overall a great visit. I got to visit my Grandma and after she woke up and realized it was me, her face lit up. We chatted for a while and toward the end of the visit, she said that she was honored to see me, that I had taken time out of my schedule to go see her.
I've never thought about it before, but as we left, I realized that I was the one that was honored. To be able to see her and tell her that I loved her. I walked out of there with a new perspective. And I found that so often we take for granted the people in our lives, that we don't listen to the lessons that the generations before us try to teach. They have so many incredible stories. But why don't we ever listen? Why don't we seek it out? Why is it that we visit them begrudgingly, because we feel obligated?
I want to challenge you if you're one of those people. Don't wait until it's almost too late to take away what you can from the generations preceding you. They have so many awesome stories, so much knowledge to share, and so much love to give. So give it back. Go see someone you don't even know and just sit with them. I bet you'll come away from it a changed person.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Holy Ground. Take your shoes off or ignore it?
I really love my youth ministry class. And it's all because of this one book that we read. It's called The Godbearing Life: The art of soul tending for youth ministry.
We had to read this book and write a report on it. My original thought was "Oh great, another book I have to read" but as I started it, and my best friend can attest to this, I couldn't stop. The authors held my attention every time I picked that book up to read.
But there was one thing that really stood out and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
When Moses was shepherding his father-in-law's sheep, he was at Horeb which is known as the mountain of God. To Moses, this was a familiar route, one he knew well and had probably been to many times. But Moses wasn't expecting anything to happen. But what happened next?
A bush was on a fire but it wasn't burning. How long had this bush been burning?
Was it something that God had done, hoping someone would walk by and see and the first person that did just happened to be Moses? Or had God been calling Moses and this was the only way to get his attention?
Moses hid his face in fear. You see, Moses had killed a man in Egypt and was now facing something that God had sent. He asked God to send someone else.
God had a greater plan though. He used a man who had a dark past to carry out His will!
So how many of us are ignoring God's call? When we see the "burning bush" will we remove our sandals, knowing we are standing on Holy ground? We stand before God, naked in the sense that everything we've ever done will be revealed. When we go to church, are we expectant for what God will do? Or has it become such a routine that you don't realize the Holy Ground you're standing on and just pass through?
I know for me, it's definitely a challenge to keep a routine action like going to church something that is Holy to marvel at. Oftentimes, I just walk through seeing the same people week after week. But that's not how it should be and I think it happens more than we care to admit.
So I want to challenge you to stand "naked" before God. He already knows what you have done, now be open to Him and show it. And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:
"Remove your sandals! Leave all that behind. I am not out to destroy you; I am out to change you. Take off those smelly shoes- this is holy ground, the place where you leave your old ways behind and start over as the person I made you to be" (Dean & Foster p.77)
We had to read this book and write a report on it. My original thought was "Oh great, another book I have to read" but as I started it, and my best friend can attest to this, I couldn't stop. The authors held my attention every time I picked that book up to read.
But there was one thing that really stood out and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.
When Moses was shepherding his father-in-law's sheep, he was at Horeb which is known as the mountain of God. To Moses, this was a familiar route, one he knew well and had probably been to many times. But Moses wasn't expecting anything to happen. But what happened next?
A bush was on a fire but it wasn't burning. How long had this bush been burning?
Was it something that God had done, hoping someone would walk by and see and the first person that did just happened to be Moses? Or had God been calling Moses and this was the only way to get his attention?
Moses hid his face in fear. You see, Moses had killed a man in Egypt and was now facing something that God had sent. He asked God to send someone else.
God had a greater plan though. He used a man who had a dark past to carry out His will!
So how many of us are ignoring God's call? When we see the "burning bush" will we remove our sandals, knowing we are standing on Holy ground? We stand before God, naked in the sense that everything we've ever done will be revealed. When we go to church, are we expectant for what God will do? Or has it become such a routine that you don't realize the Holy Ground you're standing on and just pass through?
I know for me, it's definitely a challenge to keep a routine action like going to church something that is Holy to marvel at. Oftentimes, I just walk through seeing the same people week after week. But that's not how it should be and I think it happens more than we care to admit.
So I want to challenge you to stand "naked" before God. He already knows what you have done, now be open to Him and show it. And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:
"Remove your sandals! Leave all that behind. I am not out to destroy you; I am out to change you. Take off those smelly shoes- this is holy ground, the place where you leave your old ways behind and start over as the person I made you to be" (Dean & Foster p.77)
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