Somewhere along the way

 Tonight I got a piercing. It's on the outside of my ear- on something called the tragus. It's always been something that I have wanted to do, but never had the guts, so when an excellent opportunity presented itself, I went and got it pierced. 

Tonight I was also told I was doing some pretty rash things.  I didn't agree with the person that said that to me and my sarcasm apparently doesn't travel well through text. Needless to say, it didn't turn out well.  One thing led to another and eventually it all worked out in the end (hopefully).

But on the way home, this one question popped into my mind. 

"Where did I lose myself?"

 I always took pride (I know, a dangerous thing) in knowing that no matter what, I could handle a situation without any help.  I didn't need anyone to lean on and having a shoulder to cry on doesn't exist where I come from.  Being scared of the future is unheard of.  Life has to be figured out ASAP, no room for error. I only needed to know that my God would take care of me.

I got this text that I'm going to share, and it made me stop and think.  

"I think you'll never admit it but you are under a lot of stress between work and school and money and family issues and I think the fact that you are refusing to let people help and are just dealing with it yourself is getting to you..."

Have you ever had a moment where you know something but you won't admit it to yourself until you're told?  This was such a moment. 

This person nailed it right on the head.  I don't let myself admit that things are going wrong.  I know that there are people in my life that would sit and listen and genuinely care.  I know that they would jump to pray with me if I asked, or hug me if I needed one, or just sit there and listen.  But most of the time, I keep my issues to myself.  I share parts of my problems with people, but never a whole issue. It would allow them too close to see the scars, it would give them a chance to break down the walls that I have spent 21 years of my life building. 

So somewhere along the way, I lost who I was; sister, friend, girlfriend, child of a loving God, and I became bitter and resentful and mean.  And I hurt those closest to me.  

Without realizing it, I pushed them away, preferring to be alone in my pain and grief. 

So if you ever run into me, don't believe me when I say that I am okay, or when I say I am good.  Those are my two standard responses, especially when I am just the opposite.  I struggle every single day to wake up and look forward to seeing people, to being at work, to enjoy life.  And I definitely do not stop long enough to enjoy pretty sunsets or flowers (although my Aunt has been teaching me, probably without realizing it, what a joy it is to see those little things everyday).

So please, to all of you who know me and are my friend, please bear with me as I learn to share and be real about my life and my struggles.  And trust me, it is a struggle, but I know in the end it will all be okay.

60 Seconds

What if you only had sixty seconds to leave your house.  The fire alarm is going off and you know that it's either leave quickly or run the risk of not making it out. 

You freeze and start frantically looking around.  Forty-five seconds left...

You still try to decide what to take.  You know that your family has already made it out safely.  Thirty seconds...

You frantically pick things up and discard them, still looking around for something you know you would miss.  Fifteen seconds...
 

So what do you take?  In 60 seconds what are the things you will grab, that are most precious to you?

I know for me it would be my Grandmother's old jewelery, and if it was within reach, my camera.  Those things hold the most value in my life.  I will never be able to replace my Grandmother's jewelery.  She's dead, gone on to Heaven. I can remember her wearing some of the pieces that I have.  My camera holds my memories.  I know that they will forever be in my heart and mind and that a camera can be replaced, but I show my emotions through my camera.  What makes me happy and sad, the things I love the most in the world- all of those things I portray through my pictures. 

I don't have much of value, and almost everything I own is replaceable.  But those sixty seconds can tell a lot about a person.  Some of you would go for your technology, others for family heirlooms, and others still will forgo the quest to save anything and just run.  But it is in that sixty seconds that you learn the most about a person. 

So what would you take?

I found out today that one of my great-aunts died. Her funeral is in two days, but because it is so far away, I won't be able to make it. But this event has made me think about memories and how fleeting (or long) my life will be.

I look back at my aunt's life and I remember fun visits and learning.  I started to think; when I die, what will I be leaving behind?

Will I leave behind questions about who I truly was?  Will people know that I love my God with all of my heart?  Will they have good memories of me or bad ones?

If I had only a week left to live, what would I do with it? (I know, one of the most cliche questions to ask, right?)
               I would live my life for that last week hopefully as I had lived the weeks and days before it.  If I am not living my life. But no one knows how they would spend that time unless it actually happens to them.

For now, my thoughts and prayers are going out to my family who is mourning the loss of a wife, sister, aunt, and friend

what one disney scene can show

This will be a super short one today...

Many of us know Beauty and the Beast as a Disney Princess movie- loved by children (and some adults) everywhere.

There is a moment in this movie that shows me how much God loves us.  Cogsworth asked Beast how he could let Belle go.  Beast's response was was that he had to let her go because he loved her.

God did this for us.  He gave us free will and choice because He loved us. He let us choose whether or not to be with Him.  And if we leave, He patiently waits for our return.