Peace

Lately I've been stressing a lot.  None of it was even about school (with a ton of papers and group presentations and only one week of classes left, you would think that would be the issue), instead it was about this coming summer.

I wanted to stay in Rochester but God had other plans.  In two short weeks at this time, I will be back at my parent's house for the summer.  For a month or two I had been praying that God would give me peace about this move.

And it didn't come.

So the last few weeks had been filled with interviews and emails, trying to find a way to stay in the area without a vehicle.  When nothing came to fruition, I did not know how to handle it.  Somewhere deep down inside of me I knew that I was supposed to go back to my parent's but I wasn't able to think about what that meant for me.

For the past four years I have worked so hard to make Rochester my home.  After my sophomore year was over and I had a car, I stayed here year-round and only went home for short spurts of time (I kept my visits to less than a week, usually only a weekend).  I fell in love with the area and the people in it.  When I moved off-campus, while it was a hard transition, I was still in the area.  When I had to unexpectedly move out, it was even harder- the people I had relied on weren't who I expected them to be, but I made it work.  I moved on to something better, I learned that it was okay to let someone go because of the way they treated me or my family, I didn't have to put on a brave face in the moments I was scared anymore.

I came back to campus, had to make new friends (being a commuter makes it really hard to connect with people here on this campus), and I knew I had to find a new church.  But those friends I made (and the ones I got closer to) became my family.  THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had rough nights and couldn't sleep, THEY were the ones that let me stay at their places when I didn't know where to go, THEY were the ones that were there for me when I had my accident, and THEY are the ones that I know will be there fifteen, twenty years down the road. They've taught me that it's okay to be mad, to let people go, and how to love.

So when I thought about leaving this area (notice I said 'the area', I can't wait to graduate), I was torn up inside. I couldn't sleep or eat and I was grumpy most of the time.  I kept praying for peace and I didn't have it-

until last night.

Last night I went to this thing that my campus does- it's a time of worship, speakers, and prayer- and I was just going through the motions, thinking about how to find a job back home, how it would be between my parents and I with me there all the time.  After a conversation about how I have an interview coming up when I get home, I felt like my mom was resistant to me returning.  It was like nothing good could come out of either of our mouths because the other person took it the wrong way.  So as I was sitting down to pray about where my heart was and yet again, for peace, all I could hear was

"Jillian, it will be OKAY. I am with you, everything will work out for the best, this is my plan for you."

In that moment, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace.  It just washed over me and for the FIRST time in a few months, I knew without a doubt that this was what was going to happen, and that I would be okay. Even though it brings tears to my eyes when I think about leaving, I KNOW that my Father is going before me and that these changes will bring me closer to Him.

NOT an April Fool's joke

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone for the last few days.  I am so incredibly thankful and blessed.

Getting in a car accident and totaling my truck was not the way I planned on ending my Easter break (which also happened to be April Fool's).  I was thankfully unharmed, but angry that I made it through a white-out where I couldn't even tell where on the road I was (if I was at all) with no problems, only to spin out on black ice.  

But while it was bad, it could have been a lot worse. 

• If I had been in a car, I would've spun more- the length of my truck slowed the spin down
• If I was another foot farther on the bridge, I would've hit the end of the guardrail and probably would've flipped the truck
• Had I hit the other guardrail, and gone over it, it was a longer drop than the small ditch on the side I did crash on
• There was a moment where my dad thought I could get a ticket for the accident (at the time while I was still in shock, that seemed like the absolute worst thing in the world to me).

I looked at this list of what-if's and I kind of laughed. There was SO much that could have gone so much worse than it did.  I am incredibly thankful that I have a Father who loves me and protected me out there.  All I remember was that as soon as I lost control I prayed out for the car behind me to not get hit and that I didn't flip.  I saw sparks as my truck ground against the guardrail and then I stopped.  

I called everyone I needed to call going back and forth between my boyfriend and my dad on the phone.

I cannot stop thanking God that the circumstances He put me in were what they were. Even though my truck is gone, everything went so much better than it should have.

About a mile before I hit the bridge, I saw that the tow truck was finally kicking up water so I knew I wasn't on ice in that moment so I decided to pass him- I was going no more than 40 mph at this point still because we had come out of the storm.  There had also been a car following me closely through the white out so they could stay on the road.  If those two drivers hadn't been behind me when I crashed, I would've been on the road for a long time waiting.

As soon as I put my truck in park, that driver (who happened to be from Elmira originally and headed to Naz) was jumping out of her car and as I called my dad, she called 911.  She had seen me fishtail the first time and backed off.  She stayed with me the whole time and drove me the last half an hour to school.

That tow-truck driver?  He also saw me spin out and pulled over to help.  While 911 and my dad were being called, he was calling a co-worker telling him that we needed another tow-truck (he already had a car on his).

The sheriff that arrived was on the other side of the highway coming down 390 S.  It only took him 10 minutes to get to the crash site.  I watched him make his U-turn about .5 miles down and cautiously come across the bridge to where we were.  He told me that accidents happen all the time on that bridge and he would write up the accident report and then I could get out of the snow and on my way. And yes, I did have to ask him what I was supposed to do with an accident report (school should teach things like this haha).

I'm thankful that I have an amazingly patient boyfriend.  I called him and all I could get out was "Hey, I was in an accident, I'm okay, I have to call my dad back, call you later" (or something along those lines). And he said okay and just texted me to see how close to school I was and to make sure I was safe.

When I called my dad the first thing out of my mouth was an apology for ruining the truck. I was so worried about that stupid THING and all he cared about was that I wasn't hurt and that no one else was involved.  He told me the next day that because my truck was so long, it made my spin a lot slower and protected me more than if I had been in a car.  He came up the next day to look at the truck and then came to see me.  Which was the thing I think I needed most in that moment- just to see a familiar face that had an emotional investment in my wreck and know that it really was okay.

The truck? It was the vehicle I learned to drive on and my dad taught me how to drive it in nasty weather conditions, but black ice doesn't mess around. I was spinning before I could react. The front end was shifted a few inches over, the front bumper was pushed into the tires, and the back end got pushed up.  The amazing thing though was that only the passenger side was hit.  There was NOTHING on the driver's side.  But there is absolutely no hope for repair.

My boyfriend?  Yeah, he woke up at 2:30 to my phone call after talking to me on and off all night. I couldn't close my eyes because I kept seeing the accident so sleep wasn't an option.  He talked me through my tears and stayed on the phone with me until I could finally sleep.  I seriously couldn't have asked for a better man.

I walked away from what could have been a much worse accident. My only injury is whiplash from trying to hold my neck up as I spun (I assume).  The girl that got there first thought she was jumping out of her car to find a bloody, injured body from that crash.  I told one of my friends that if I hadn't believed that God loved me and cared for me before, I definitely would have after.  I don't know how people can walk away from situations like that and not believe that God loves them- or even exists.  It made me realize that even though things may be totally out of control, I am still protected. 

I am a little bitter than even though the DOT had been called out hours previous to my accident, the first truck seen was after the sheriff got to the scene.  Especially after 390 S had been closed for a few hours because of the number of accidents.  But give me a day more and I will be over it.  I am so blessed that something like the DOT being slow cannot hold me back from rejoicing that I am alive and unharmed.