Thankfulness Part I

Thanksgiving is just a week and a few days away!  My break starts in 8 days when my dad is coming to pick me up :)  I cannot wait.  there is so much that I can't wait to do when I get home.  Starting with hugging my two favorite people

Anyway, back on track here...
I just wanted to write a really quick post saying how much I am thankful for my family and friends and to Nick for telling me bedtime stories when I can't sleep at night.

I am so incredibly thankful that I am able to be here today with a smile on my face because a few years ago, I almost wasn't.  Now, I serve an awesome God who makes waking up everyday worth it.

But now, it's my bedtime. Goodnight world!  I love you all :)

words

"I'm proud of you"     "I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you."


It's amazing how little words and phrases like that can make your day.  But words in general have the power to tear you apart.  


Today I woke up, took a shower, and turned on my computer.  I checked my school email and then Facebook like I do every morning.  But this morning was different.  I had a message from someone back home that made me smile.  In fact, it brightened my entire day.  At the end of the message this person said "i'm proud of you....just because i am...just for who you are!!"  You might not think that words like that affect someone but it affected me deeply.  I've never heard "I'm proud of you" before this past year.  And coming from the person it came from, it meant a lot to me.


There is something I have learned about the power of words in the past nineteen years and it's this...
Words can affect someone even if you don't see it. 


Words like, 
"You're beautiful"
"I'm so proud of you"
"Love you"
are words that many people don't get to hear very often, if ever. 


 Instead they hear, "You're stupid"  "worthless" "ugly" "you're embarrassing".  


If people only knew what goes on inside of someone when they hear these words.  Sure, they may be really good at hiding their true feelings but deep down, they aren't as strong as they would like to be.  Eventually the wall they've built around their heart will start to crack and it will eventually crumble. They start to make fun of themselves and put themselves down because they don't see themselves as worthy.  But the truth is, all they have heard are lies.  And they are willing to believe these lies because the people they love and trust the most have said them.  The greatest mystery to me is why do we let that happen?  Are we afraid to stand up for someone in case it gets turned on us?  


Maybe we should stop being afraid of what other will say about us or to us and instead stick up for those being hurt the most by their words.

Family

I am having an issue.  And I know that in writing this I will be making a lot of my family angry but I need to say it and if it results in them not speaking to me either, then I apologize for saying what someone needs to say.

My family is acting like a bunch of 2 year olds.  I have aunts and uncles fighting...SIBLINGS aren't speaking to each other, nieces and nephews getting jealous and angry at their aunts and uncles. 

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!  Why are we doing this?  Why can't we all see that it is hurting everyone?!  I may only be 19 years old, but if I can see this, why can't they?  

We weren't put here on earth to hate each other.  My family members have people looking up to them and yet they still do this.  They are arguing and not speaking to each other and they are passing this along to children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  Since when was this okay?  I understand that families fight but normally, they make up, not drag it on and on.   And I'm not taking sides with anyone I just can't talk to anyone about it in my family.  I don't know whole stories but from what I have seen, it's not worth fighting over for this long.

1 Timothy 3:4-5 says "4- He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.  5-(If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)..."

and 1 Timothy 5:8 says "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

I won't go into what my thoughts on these passages are or how they relate to what I am writing about because I think it's pretty obvious what I think.  What's not obvious is why we all do this.  And I know it's not just my family that does this, but it's where I have seen it the most recently.  And for those of you who may read this, please, I beg of you, don't do this to your families.  Don't let them remain broken.  It hurts everyone, especially those people who want to see their family members at weddings, graduations, reunions, and random parties- and not just some of them- all of them.

This is a challenge to each generation.  Don't follow in the footsteps of the previous generations.  Show love and not hate.

Looking Ahead

I just got done reading the book Rooms by James L. Rubart and this book taught me a few lessons (even if it's not a true story).  In many ways this book reminds me of The Shack but The Shack focuses mainly on forgiveness and the image of God.

In this book a very successful young man owns his own software company.  He gets a letter from his Great-Uncle saying that he left him a house in an area that this young man has tried to forget about. Well the thing about this house that this young man eventually figures out is that the rooms in this house change.  Every time there is a new lesson to be learned, there is a new room that pops up somewhere in the house.  One of these rooms is completely black and there is a voice in it.  The voice tells the young man that it is himself, the other side of the brain.  So the young man trusts it.  In the end, this voice ended up being a demon trying to confuse and lead this man down the wrong path.  

This made me wonder...what voices are we listening to?  Are we listening to voices that come from God or Satan? That one voice that you instantly trust, who is it?  Are you listening to it based on the Bible and it's teachings or are you just believing and trusting of it?  


A professor of mine once told me to question everything.  Don't just take what you hear and believe it- question it and make your own decision about whatever it is.  

A new school year

Since my last post, many new things have happened and I have learned  more about myself that I could imagine.  I have learned how fragile relationships are for starters.  When I started this summer off, I never expected to be where I am now.  I never would have thought that I would be dating or that I would lose one of my greatest and dearest friends in some capacity.  


My summer has been filled with work, many happy moments, and a few sad ones thrown in there too.  But isn't that how life works?  Always throwing a curve-ball or forcing you to drop on that roller coaster ride...causing your heart to feel like it's about to explode out of your body.  My first experience with that was with a family member that I hold very close in my heart.  The second was with my oldest friends.  But I have learned something from all of this.  You have to take those curve-balls and scary moments and just deal with them.  You can't listen to what other people say, you have to make your own decisions about your life and the people in it.  That's been the hardest thing for me...making my own decisions.  Will I date? Will I go back to school?  What am I going to do when the worst happens? Will I be strong enough for it all when it all seems to come crashing down upon me?  But I started thinking...why do I have to rely solely on myself?  Why haven't I been looking for the people God has put in my life?  Why have I not been leaning on the One who saved my life?  Here's the answer.  


I have been too caught up in the world around me and what others think, that I haven't had time to listen to the people that God has placed in my life.  


It became so easy and commonplace for me to ignore Him and do what I want to do and I wasn't being held responsible for my actions.  When i was being held responsible, I would push away and grow angry and not listen to the people I respect the most.  the hardest part was living with my family over the summer.  After a school year of holding myself responsible, I started to despise the rules I had to go back home to.  I didn't want a curfew because I didn't think it was fair (and I broke it many times hanging out with friends), I would leave as soon as mom or dad were supposed to be home because I didn't want to hear their lectures, etc.  I pushed away my family even farther than I thought I ever would or thought possible.  I broke personal boundaries that I had set for myself and I regret some of it more than anyone will ever know.  But I came out of this summer closer with Natalie who I miss so much and closer with God.  My lessons have been learned (even if I did it the hard way :p ) 


I'm very excited about this school year.  I have good classes with good teachers who love what they do :)  

Facing my old Giants

Yesterday was one of those days that I really needed.  I met with one of the youth leaders at BFW and we went out for ice cream (a must) and then we went walking at Sperr Park.  I had a situation that I wasn't sure about and I wanted some feedback.  Well I got the feedback plus more :) Everything that she said to me, I needed to hear.  It's like God told her what was going on with me and He just gave her the words for me. 

I had been unsure of things in my life like where I fit in and how I can be the light that I have to be without the fear of rejection.  I've grown up knowing so much rejection that most of the time, I am afraid to feel it again.  I thought that I had it all figured out, where I fit in, what I was going to do with my life, everything.  Then I came home for the summer.  My best friends aren't here to reassure me or to lovingly tell me that I'm an idiot :p  I had to come home and face my old rejections one more time which was one of the scariest things ever.  I had found my spring in Rochester and I came home and ended back up in my old winter.  And while it's a familiar season and everything, I miss the spring.  

I wouldn't give up this summer for anything because I have learned so much and I'm still growing but I wish it didn't always hurt so much.  I haven't had the perfect happy family that most people get to have and sometimes I wish I did.  But honestly, I don't know what I would do without my balloons that I keep holding on to.  If I had grown up knowing what love was supposed to be like- the unselfish I will do anything for you love, I would probably not have learned the lessons that I have learned. If it hadn't been for the hurts I wouldn't be at the place I am now. I wouldn't want to learn and grow and ask questions.  

So until this summer ends, I will be facing my old giants but this time I know that I have people surrounding me who won't let me be defeated and I have a God who is greater than anything that the world throws at me.  :)

Forgiveness

I have been hearing a lot about forgiveness lately and I have had to stop and think for a minute.  Why is it soooo hard to forgive someone?  Well, for starters, it's because you want them to hurt as much as you are hurting.  Maybe that's why it is SO huge that God forgives us.  Every time we do something against His will, we are hurting Him but all He does is forgive us.  So why can't we show others that kind of forgiveness?  Alex said in a sermon the other day "when you don't forgive someone, you are holding them back from any kind of relationship with God.  You are also holding yourself back from a relationship with Him."  This really stuck with me because there were people that I wasn't willing to forgive.  Those who had hurt me only minutes ago and those who had hurt me years ago I was so unwilling to forgive- even for the littlest offenses.  But what Alex said has stuck with me and i keep hearing it over and over from other people too so I think maybe I should pay attention to it now.  I was forgiven and saved by a power greater than me and I have been able to forgive myself.  I can move on with my life because the greatest Power I know forgave me and made me feel worthy.  So now it's time to show others that same love and forgiveness.  

Realizations

Ever since I've come home, my life has been consumed with work, friends, and trying to make everybody around me happy.  I've started stretching myself so thin that I don't even know which way to go now.  Which way should I go next?  Should I hang out with my friends?  Should I spend some time getting lost in a new book?  Should I go out and enjoy taking pictures?  What should I do?  What way should I turn?  


It wasn't until after I did some serious soul searching that I realized something...the ONLY place I should be turning is toward God.  I shouldn't be worried about hanging out with my friends, or worried about what the next day at work will hold, I should be focused solely on God.  It was on my drive home from one of my best friend's weddings that I came to this realization.  


I remember telling Carissa that I was never going to get married because I wasn't willing to put up with the hassle of everything.  Well I went to Lauren and Reid's wedding and the entire time I had tears in my eyes because I could see what God had done in their lives.  From Lauren telling Reid that she was SO glad that she would never be marrying him in real life (during a budget project in HS) to seeing them at the altar looking at each other with a love for each other that few people will ever get to know, well it made me start to think.


Why haven't I been leaving this area of my life to God?  why have I started to look other places for this kind of love that only He can provide for me? Then it hit me even harder...I've been PURPOSEFULLY not letting God take control of my life.  I've been holding on to that "balloon" so tightly that I had no more grip left in my hand.  It was slipping out of my control and not into the control of Good but of Evil.  


Well guess what?  It's not my all-consuming thought anymore.  I rest in the peace of knowing that my God has someone out there...or not.  Either way, I rest in the knowledge that God will take care of me either way.

Baptisms :)

So today was my baptism and oh my word was it fun!  =D  There are no words to describe my feelings right now but I will do my best throughout this post.


First of all, last night Marlise and Nicole came down to spend the night.  Katie and Shawn were also in town so we all headed to the Corning Museum of Glass.  We ended up spending a few hours there having a blast admiring the glass and playing.  We went home, had dinner and went back out to take my brother home and to get videos from Family Video.  After Nicole's hassle at Family Video we finally got out with the three movies we were planning to watch.  We went home, watched them all, and went to bed sometime around 1:30 a.m.    I ended up not being able to fall asleep because there was so much running through my mind and it wasn't just all nerves.  So I came back upstairs and sat for a while writing a three page letter to God.  I wrote down how I felt about everything from my parents to the gentleman who shares my birthday and his health to the baptism.  And at the end of the letter I realized that I had gotten SO much off of my chest that I had been holding onto making me stressed and worried and a little cranky.  


I finally got to bed and I woke up, ate breakfast, got ready, and went to church.  It was the hardest thing for me to do- getting up in front of everybody trying to talk without offending my parents.  But then I realized that I could just say what I needed to say and get it over with.  (There were only a few tears involved).  But it was the greatest thing to look out into the sanctuary to see both new and old friends and my family sitting there, supporting me.  It was the most amazing experience ever.  When I got dunked, it was all I could do to keep from just bursting out into laughter because I was so full of joy.  I don't think I have ever experienced such an amazing thing in my life other than actually becoming a Christian after everything I had done to myself and those around me.  


So I just want to leave off with the same verse I left off with when I gave my testimony.  Psalm 3:3 "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me.  My glory, and the One who lifts my head high."

almost done!!!! =D

So school is almost over!  In nine or ten short days, I’ll be headed home for the summer.  I definitely have some excitement and trepidation over this.  I’m afraid that I won’t get a job and that mom won’t let me continue to go to BFW.  I’m also afraid that I’m missing something in God’s call on my life.  I feel like I should be doing something more this summer and I have absolutely no idea what that is.  Is it taking a bigger step and doing more with the church?  Or am I mis-reading my heart?  I mean, it (my heart) has led me astray more than once before.  So what is my next step?  It’s not like I’m graduating from college or anything, but I’m still at the age where I have to live my own life and become okay with doing things on my own.  Plus I have to get a job :p  ickkk


Alright, so new story...


Last night I went to Christ Community Church's worship night  (I mostly went at first because I missed church yesterday morning) and let me just tell you, it was something that I've never really experienced.  The music was awesome (led by Becka  and JT (boo Ohio State!!)) and as I started to get into it, I realized that there are so many ways that we can be restricted from our freedom to worship.  And then the Pastor said something about it!  Anyway, later into the night, everybody was sharing about the pictures or words that God was speaking to them.  And Nicole and Emelie got "prophesied" over (i'm not sure if that's what it was b/c i'm not entirely familiar with it) and others were sharing about how God was showing them pictures or how God wanted people to jump into His "River".  Anyway, it was a really awesome experience and the picture that came to my mind was one that Shelly Binsfeld once shared with the BFW youth group.  And it's an image of a line graph.  And even though the lines go up and down, not once do they touch 0.  It's like God is cushioning us from hitting rock bottom.  I love this illustration and I hadn't even remembered that she told us about it until last night when it popped into my head.  

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Magill

It has hit me hard...

Nope, that's not a "That's what she said joke"  it's a fact of my life right now.  I've been hit, and hit hard.
What have I been hit with?  Everything.  This week, I've learned quite a few things.  I've learned that stress makes me really sick, that stress is a sin because we're not trusting God, and I learned that lukewarm is an awful place to be.  


I know that I've written about being lukewarm before but it seems that every time I look at something remotely Bible-related, I hear about being lukewarm.  It's something that God is really pressing on my heart.  And the thing is, I have been lukewarm for so long, it's like a trap that I don't know how to get out of.  Do I go to worship more often?  Do I pray more, even when I can't stand the thought? How do I stop feeling so lost and confused?      One word: prayer.  It's the only way that I can become fully on fire for God.  I love to worship through prayer and music. Even in secular music, I can find God.  That gives me sooo much comfort.  


On another note, this past week, since tuesday my stress levels have been skyrocketing.  It got so bad that I was snapping at one of my best friends.  Yesterday it caused the worst headache of my life.  It was so bad that I was doing my homework and fighting back tears.  Until I started praying and reading the book The Irresistible Revolution by Jim Wallis.  Then the headache lifted.  As soon as I started to focus on God and have "our time" it lifted.  I don't know why I didn't think of that much sooner.  I've been letting myself get so caught up in everything around me and I haven't put any focus on God.  I even told my friend Lauren that I like my balloons and I don't ever want to give them up because I didn't know where that would leave me.  Because of that, I truly believe that satan was grabbing hold of me and my life and trying to rip it apart. He was popping my balloons one at a time and watching me free fall into a black abyss of nothing.  Depressing and scary right?  Exactly what I thought.  


So what am I going to do now? I'm going to stop looking at what's going on around me right now and worrying and instead give the present and the future to God and let Him hold my balloons.  But that is also easier said than done.  Without my balloons, I have to rediscover things and become something new.  I guess we'll see if I am up to the challenge.

A Good Analogy plus some other random thoughts

Last Friday and today I was told a very good analogy that I have found to apply directly to myself.  My friend Nicole was telling us how she is one of those people who likes to take all of these "balloons"- taking people places, feeding people, listening to people, and doing things in general for others.  The thing is, both she and I are like this and we just take all of these balloons and hold onto them and we just keep taking more and more balloon strings.  Pretty soon, we're floating away with all of these balloons we're holding onto and God is standing there telling us to just hand some of those balloons over to Him.  And we stand there and say "NO! They're MY balloons!  I can HANDLE it!  I've got this!"  Then we just keep floating but without those balloons, we don't know who we would be.  If we were to just hand them all over, we would be so lost and unsure of what to do next.

Nicole and I both have something else in common.  Our greatest prayer is that our family members would be saved.  But if we stop and think about it, even though it would cause us to praise God even more, we should already be praising Him as much as we would if our greatest prayers were answered.  So the question I've been faced with this past week is "can I give my balloons to God and I mean really and truly give them to Him, not just with my words"     I sure hope that I can learn to do that!  The only thing is, I absolutely LOVE doing things for others and even if it stretches me so thin that I think I'm going to break, I still do it for them.

Also tonight, we touched on the topic of lukewarm Christians again.  JT told us that in the Bible, the strongest words ever used in Biblical Times was when God said that He will vomit/spit us out of His mouth because we are lukewarm.  There is nothing for leeway there.  Lukewarm is obviously absolutely revolting to God, so why do so many people think that being lukewarm is alright and acceptable?  But then again, who are we to say that someone is lukewarm or not?  If we try to decide that, we are judging them and we will be judged according to that.  It's like judging someone for being homosexual or for being a liar.  In my opinion, homosexuality is just as much of a sin as lying is.  Who is to say that one sin is bigger or worse than another?

A lot of these things have been weighing on my mind lately and it's one of those "balloons" that I have to let go of.  The only thing I know these days is how great my God really is and how much He wants us to want to be caught by Him.

From Lukewarm to "God, You are enough"

I just want to talk about some things that really convicted me tonight at small group. We're reading through the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and we were talking about chapter four which is titled Profile of the Lukewarm. We started talking about how it's sooo easy to be totally on fire for God one day and the next fall into the role of the lukewarm christian. We get so caught up in the internet or schoolwork that we are fine just saying "oh yeah, i'm a christian" but never live like we are. And it's SUCH a dangerous pattern to fall into.

The first thing written in the chapter is this quote and it sums everything up quite well (at least in my opinion)...
"It's not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity."
If God is constantly chasing us, why aren't we letting him catch us? Why aren't we chasing after Him? Why do we chase instead after schoolwork, the internet, our friends, etc. ?

My friend Marlise said "we don't need our grades and education to be with God. We do however need to be praising Him." This really struck a chord with me because I thought about how many times these past few weeks I've worried about the amount of schoolwork that I have and how I'm going to fit everything into my schedule. And what i should be doing instead is letting go of some of my balloons and giving them to God to take care of for me.

Becka, my small group leader, told us that at the Truth Project at our church, the leader asked if anyone could honestly say "God, you and you alone are enough for me".

I don't know, but when i think about that statement, i think about all the things i can't seem to live without. My friends, my education, clothes, all the random things I do for fun. I don't think i've ever been able to say "God, you and you ALONE is all i need. It's more than enough".

Tonight we started praying and we went on for a good 45 minutes to an hour. We prayed for soo much that was burdening us and weighing us down and even if there were a lot of tears, it was sooo amazing to be surrounded by girls who want nothing more to do than just be there. Even if they don't have the right words to say or just don't know what to say, they're there encouraging and lifting each other up. Fridays have easily become my favorite days of the week :)

30 Hour Famine

I took part in the 30 Hour Famine the 27th-28th in Whitesboro with Melissa.  It was so much fun and I got the chance to meet so many people.  The driving part was awful.  I thought that Melissa and I were going to die.  We were driving too fast for the road conditions. 

Once we were there, the fun began.  Actually, it was a little bit awkward at first because I had absolutely NO idea who anybody was.    But eventually I started talking to more and more people and I had fun.  I especially enjoyed hearing Melissa's Dad talk.  And he challenged us to give up something that controls us.  I was especially encouraged to do so and focus more on my schoolwork before everything else that was fun.  I'm doing alright I suppose.  We'll see how it goes as the weeks go on. 

SNOWWWWWWWW= love!!

I don't think I've had so much fun at school as I did today.  If you were to look at my Facebook page, you would see a bunch of crazy girls out in the snow just messing around and having fun.  We climbed mountains of snow and ice and trees and took lots of pictures that are such a hoot!

Also, I went out today and got to help people brush off their cars and we helped one girl get her car unstuck.  It was a blast and we loved it.  I think I can safely say that we have more than a foot of snow :)  At least I got some good exercise in today! 

Tomorrow I am going to Whitesboro to take place in their 30 Hour Famine.  I did this last year and had a blast.  My only reservation is that I'll only know one person there- Melissa, who knows everybody else.  and I am SUCH an awkward wall flower.  But it'll be for a good cause so it's allll good :)  AND I'm bringing games :)  I really can't wait.  As long as this headach goes away...

Well, we're watching Simon Birch now so I can't concentrate on what I'm writing...and I keep forgetting what I'm writing :p 

Back to school again

So, I don't think that there was ever a more excited girl to get back to school.  I had TONS of fun over break w/my friends at home (and roommy), but I was definitely ready to come back. 
I'd already exhausted everything I could do in my town...sledding, playing pool in my basement with Carissa, going to the movies w/Kristin and then having her over for dinner, shopping, and church.  In HHDS, there's not much else to do!

So today when I walked in, I got a big hug from Rosanna.  We got all my stuff in (and I still need to unpack) and I gave Lauren her woodburned cutting board/decoration thing.  And my parents left.  I've gotten to hear everybody's stories of their breaks, but the best part of the night was talking to Sarah Keys.  Sarah is basically the most fun person to talk to...especially when she just starts spouting random things off.  She listens to opinions and if you believe in something, she sticks to it.  I love that about her.  She doesn't take bull.

The worst part about coming back however is the unpacking.  I pack, unpack, pack and unpack all in the space of one vacation.  And that is a few times too many!  So now, I'm off to my room to finish unpacking (hopefully without waking up my roommate) and get into bed to start a new week of school.  Here we gooooo!!!!!!

A very sobering entry...

My very dear friend Carissa came over today and we started talking about how she and a few seniors at HHS were trying to plan the Baccalaureate service.  The only thing is, because a few churches are helping, the school won't even listen to the students who are trying to plan this.  However, during these planning sessions, they were looking for people to give their testimonies.  They wanted two girls and two boys (to make it even).  After some careful thought, they decided that Carissa and Kalissa, two well-known girls would give theirs.  Then they started thinking about boys who could give their testimonies.  They still haven't found anybody.  This is a sobering thought...that they have to search this hard to find even one Christian other than the few people who are KNOWN for their faith.  Are we really doing so poorly about getting the word out or are we shoving our faith in other people's faces to the point that they don't want to have anything to do with God?  And where do we draw that line between telling and pushing?
   
Last year, I was one of four people to give my testimony at this service. It is a scary thought to know that what you say into the camera a few weeks or months before the service, will be seen by a large amount of people.  It doesn't even seem real until you actually see your face up on the big screen, surrounded by people you've gone to school with for 13 years of your life.   Especially when your testimony is not known to the majority of people.  For me, the scariest thing was for everybody to find out how I became a Christian and the road that led me there.  Especially with my mom, who doesn't share my faith, sitting somewhere out there in the audience.  Alot came out that night about me.    I've been to the point of almost rock bottom (I'll explain the almost part later on).  I thought that ending my life would make everything better...for me, for my family, even for my friends. 



The song Hold On by Good Charlotte holds alot of memories for me.  It is a song about suicide and the effects that it has on everybody.  The lyrics talk about the hopelessness that you feel and how you feel like you're the only one and there's no way out.  My favorite parts say "...But we all bleed the same way that you do...and we all have the same things to go through...Hold on if you feel like letting go...hold on it gets better than you know...don't stop looking, you're one step closer...don't stop searching, it's not over...Hold on..." 

My life, after I gave it over to God, became impacted by suicide in a few cases.  My friend Kim's brother killed himself and my other friend's boyfriend was one of the people who volunteered to clean up the mess.  Many of my friends at school were impacted by his death...a few of them I went to youth group with.  A boy in Elmira committed suicide and it impacted a few more of my friends.  A boy I used to play soccer with killed himself in his basement and his mom found him after she came home from work.    For me to think that it was almost my family to find me in that situation and what it would do to all of my friends, almost physically hurt me.

Now, to get back to an earlier comment for a moment...When I said that I've been to the point of ALMOST hitting rock bottom, I don't truly believe that God lets anyone hit rock bottom.  It's like a line graph.  It has it's points of ups and downs, but it's like God puts a cushion between your lowest point and absolute rock bottom (zero).  

So what lessons have I learned in all of this and my past 18 years of life?  I've learned that no matter what happens to you, God will pick up the pieces.  I've also learned that God uses people that you would never expect to save your life.  He may use one, He may use many- but you can be sure that He uses them.  Sometimes you have to reach out and help others...but your reaching out could save a life.  I've learned my limitations and that I need to just reach out and cling to God and follow Him.  And I've learned that just because a person smiles, they might still be upset about something and they are just really good about hiding it. 

I want to share one more thing before I head off to bed and that is my life-verse.  I was reading the Psalms for my nightly devotionals this past summer and I came across this verse.  It's Psalm 3:3 and it says "But You, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head high.  I've embraced this verse and I hold it very close to my heart because it is a CONSTANT reminder that no matter what I am going through, God is always with me, acting as my shield and lifting my head high.

The Day after Valentine's

Yesterday I woke up and wanted to hate Valentine's Day and all that it stood for.  Until I sat up on the couch and realized that Valentine's Day wasn't about who was dating whom...it's about who you spend it with...
 I got to wake up and be surrounded by my family.  Breakfast was already made (French Toast) and although everybody but Mary Cate and I had eaten, everybody was still in the kitchen.  I sat down to find  my name written on a lacy doily and a cup full of chocolate, socks, a lint roller (yay!) and a card.  It was a great way to start the morning. 
 From there, it only got better.  I went to church and listened to a sermon on marriage.  And while I don't believe that I will get married anytime soon, I listened to it and retained quite a bit of information that I will be taking with me throughout my life. 
  After church, there was a group of people who were renewing their wedding vows.  People who've been married from 71 days to 65 years were there renewing their love for one another.  And I was privilaged enough to witness it (and be photographer). 
  After church I went home and we had a HUGE lunch of ribs, rice, and beans.  It was very delicious =D  and it made for good leftovers too!  Mary Cate and I just kind of hung around the house and took naps until 5:00 when we picked up one of  my best friends- Carissa Miller.  The three of us went to Chili's for dinner and our waitress was my friend Becky and Ryan C. was one of our hosts =D It made for good conversation.  And again, I was surrounded by people who I loved.
  So even though I may not have had a boyfriend, I still had the privilege to be surrounded by love.

2/12/10

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with teh truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Isn't this awesome??  That love is all of these things!  It loves unconditionally and will always protect you.  You can always have hope in it and delight in it's truths. 

2/11/10 ...Part II

So I thought in the spirit of Valentine's Day coming up on Sunday, I would write each day until then something about Love and it's different meanings.  Tonight there are a few things on my mind.  

The first is the 4 types of love
Eros, Phileo, Agape, and Storge
Eros is admiration
Phileo is parental love
Storge is the friendship love
&
Agape is the love that cannot be broken.  It's the "till death do us part" love.

When I think about these loves, I think about the type of love that we all have in our everyday lives. 
Storge is the biggest and most well-used kind of love.  We love our friends and in most cases, our families. 
Eros is the love that we all feel when we first start a relationship with someone.  It is blind to the bad which can be both good and bad.  
Phileo is the type of love that I have always wanted to know what was like.  To be loved by a parent and know that you are loved...unconditionally. 
I feel lucky enough to have experienced Agape love already in my 18 years of life.  No, this love hasn't come for a human being.  I've experienced it through my relationship with God.  You see, 'till death do us part' applies not only to earthly marriages, but to our "marriage" to God.  It's so nice to know that I can wake up in the morning and no matter what I do, He still loves me unconditionally. 

2/11/10

In exactly 24 hours, I'll be waiting for my mom to come pick up my roommate and I for February Break. I really have mixed feelings about going home. On one hand, I'll be getting to see alot of my friends and having a blast but on the other hand, I'll be at home with my mother who really just doesn't understand.

So today I was talking to my friend and she told me that her school totally ruined reading the Bible for her. She feels like when she reads it, there's going to be another "test" and so she can't dive into the Bible the same way that she did. When she told me this, my heart was instantly saddened. It makes me sad to think that a school can ruin Bible reading for their students. Isn't the purpose of a Bible class to learn more about the Bible and to make you excited to read it?! Just a thought but still. I think it's unfair to the students.

Well, that's all for now. I don't really have much more to write. Until next time...

2/10/10

I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've posted anything. Toby mentioned something about it a while ago and I forgot about it until tonight. So here goes...it will probably be a mess of my thoughts so it won't make much sense from one thing to another.

Good news! I am getting baptized on May 16th!! I am so excited that I finally have the chance to take this next step in my faith.

I have learned something in the process of picking this date: Family is the people that you surround yourself with. They'll laugh with you, cry with you, and always be there. They stand behind you 100% - no questions asked. They won't yell at you for what you believe or judge you. I've learned something else too. The people that you grew up believing that they loved you, well, they're going to dissapoint you and hurt you in the worst ways possible. It's then that you realize that you never mattered to them in the way that you are supposed to matter to someone.

In the past 3 years, I've had to look at the people around me and wonder if they love me unconditionally or if they just want something from me. The hardest thing in the world for me was to let go of all of my old friends and make new ones. Today, I had to do that all over again. And I found out that people are not who they always seem. Some are genuine, some just want you for what you can offer, some just don't care, and some pretend to care but don't.

I've also discovered that I am very posessive of my things. I don't like it when people leave their stuff on mine, or touch my stuff, or use my stuff. But I am also the kind of person that won't say if something is bothering me. I hold it in until I am simmering and then I explode. I know this is not healthy but I also know that I am working on it...I just hate confrontation.

I hold it all in and let it build
until I'm breaking into
a million pieces.
Unable to pick up those pieces,
I turn to You, the One who can save me
who can put me back into one whole.
Take these pieces of mine,
take them and make them something new.
New and beautiful, more like You everyday.
I'll never be perfect, but I can rest
in the knowledge of Your love and peace.
It's You that saves.
You that takes the old, broken, and ugly and makes it
new, beautiful, and You smooth out the rough edges.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.