Light piercing the darkness

I was in chapel today and during one of the songs, the projector was showing dark clouds and then, all of a sudden,

the sun shone through those dark clouds.

Inspiration hit me to write down my next thoughts and they went something like this:

No matter how dark it gets, or how lost you feel, God's light will ALWAYS shine through.  It pierces the darkness.  Have you ever thought about how a roach lives?  Roaches live in darkness; when you turn a light on, they scatter. Just like roaches, darkness scatters when light hits it.  So fill you life with light- let it pierce through the darkest parts of your life.

When you feel your light start to waiver, think of a flashlight. When the batteries start to run down, you either get a new flashlight and shine it also, or you replace the batteries.  Well God's light is an unending source of batteries for your life- you just have to let Him get into the dark places of your life/heart.

adventures and lessons learned

These past few months have been quite the adventure, to say the least.  

I took my first road trip to Rhode Island to a conference to see if I wanted a job working for Cru, I fell more deeply in love than ever before, I got to catch up with friends both old and new (and I made a few friends too).  

The trip to Rhode Island had its up and downs.  There was an incident with a dead mouse in a hotel room, I got to eat in a Godfather-style sub shop, and I got to meet some amazing people that I hope to keep in contact with.  I would not take that trip back for the world, and I will always remember it.  While I haven't made up my mind yet on whether I want to work for Cru full-time (that's another story), I am honored and thankful that I got the chance to go.

Since I last wrote, many things in my life have changed.  They're just little changes, ones that even I didn't notice until recently.  

I have learned to not hold hatred in my heart and what it is like to have someone in your life that you love, but they are attached to someone who did wrong to you.  It's a scary thing to let someone go, knowing that you have to move on, wishing you could go back to the way things were.  But looking forward makes for much happier moments.

On Thanksgiving, I got a little piece of my grandma back for a few hours.  My uncle picked up my great-aunt, who happens to have been my Grandma's identical twin (only their voices were different).  So for a few  hours, it was like having my Grandma back.  It's been a little more than eleven years since she died, but having a piece of her, even for those few hours, was the one thing I was most thankful for. 

It doesn't matter what it is, how big or small it is, but as we go from Thanksgiving to Christmas, I want to know what has meant the most to you- What are you most thankful for this season?

Do you love what you do?

How do people know that you love something?  Do you get excited about it and jump up and down for joy, or are you the more reserved type that makes people wait and see?

I'm hoping that you show some sort of enthusiasm when you're talking about (or doing) something you love.

I have a professor that absolutely loves teaching.  By day he is a county prosecutor and by night he is a professor.  This man has made me love criminal procedure so much more than any other professor has ever made me love what I'm studying.  When he talks, he is very animated and makes up the silliest examples, but you know he loves making us laugh while we learn and that he loves teaching.  We all know how to reach him in the event that we need some outside legal advice and he somehow sneaks learning into our fun.

One of my dear friends is going to school for nursing.  I love watching her talk about it because her face lights up and when I have a super bad cut or an infection, she loves inspecting it and making me suck up the cleaning process of said cut.

Someday I hope to be that excited about my profession. I want people to know that I am doing what I'm doing because I love it and I'm passionate about it.  
In the same way, I want people to know how passionate about my faith I am.  I want to be able to reach out to people and love them in a way that exemplifies Christ's love for us.  

If I am not showing my enthusiasm or love for what I do and believe in, what does that say about my life?  If I don't show off my pictures that I'm proud of taking, how will people know that I love photography?  If I spend years writing a book, but I never send it out to get published, how will people know that's what I do, how will they know that writing is my passion?

We have to show that we love what we do or people will never truly know us.  We may not make the same friends that we may have if we'd shared what we were passionate about.  

So what are you passionate about?  What do you absolutely love to do/see? Do you have a hard time showing that enthusiasm? Or are you someone that people can't get to shut up about it? (not that there is anything wrong with that of course).

Trust Me...

Last semester I received a devotional book from a mentor.  I won't lie and say that I read it every day, but this morning I opened it up to find today's date.  As I did so, I stopped on August 22 (yesterday) and the first words I saw were

"Trust Me"

I stopped looking for today's date after those two words.

It goes on to say,

   "Trust Me, and don't be afraid. I want you to view trials as exercises designed to develop your trust-muscle. You live in the midst of fierce spiritual battles, and fear is one of Satan's favorite weapons. When you start to feel afraid, affirm your trust in Me. Speak out loud, if circumstances permit.  Resist the devil in My Name and he will slink away from you. Refresh yourself in My holy presence. Speak or sing praises to Me, and My Face will shine radiantly upon you.
   Remember that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Me. You have been judged NOT GUILTY for all eternity. Trust Me, and don't be afraid; for I am your Strength, Song, and Salvation."  -Jesus Calling

You see, I've been having a hard time trying to figure out what to say, to put my situation right now into words.  I am having a crisis one week before school starts in which I don't know if I'll be able to stay where I am or if I will have to go back to my parents for a semester. I keep saying that it's just a lesson in trust but there's got to be more to it.  Little did I know that God would make a sermon come from one of my pastors that would prepare me for this in a way I did not expect, change my life, and teach me so much in just four days.  It's no accident that I turned to that page first in this little book.

It's a good reminder that Satan is using this time in my life to put fear there. A friend of mine recently said this (paraphrase):

Imagine a pack of gazelles and how they travel together.  When a lion stalks their prey, they are looking for the smallest, the slowest, the weakest, or the injured.  As humans, at one point or another we are put into that position and Satan becomes the lion stalking his prey, waiting to take out the people that are not as strong or as fast as the rest of the pack and then he clamps his jaws around us and tries to take us down.

So while this mess is running it's course, I know that whatever happens will work to God's Will and I have come to have peace that no matter what happens, I will be okay. I still tear up and get nervous, but I have firm belief that my Father will bring me through this with a peace that only He can bring. And I am surrounded by so many people who are covering me with prayers and love, I know that I am not alone and I am SO incredibly thankful that God has already blessed me this abundantly.

Somewhere along the way

 Tonight I got a piercing. It's on the outside of my ear- on something called the tragus. It's always been something that I have wanted to do, but never had the guts, so when an excellent opportunity presented itself, I went and got it pierced. 

Tonight I was also told I was doing some pretty rash things.  I didn't agree with the person that said that to me and my sarcasm apparently doesn't travel well through text. Needless to say, it didn't turn out well.  One thing led to another and eventually it all worked out in the end (hopefully).

But on the way home, this one question popped into my mind. 

"Where did I lose myself?"

 I always took pride (I know, a dangerous thing) in knowing that no matter what, I could handle a situation without any help.  I didn't need anyone to lean on and having a shoulder to cry on doesn't exist where I come from.  Being scared of the future is unheard of.  Life has to be figured out ASAP, no room for error. I only needed to know that my God would take care of me.

I got this text that I'm going to share, and it made me stop and think.  

"I think you'll never admit it but you are under a lot of stress between work and school and money and family issues and I think the fact that you are refusing to let people help and are just dealing with it yourself is getting to you..."

Have you ever had a moment where you know something but you won't admit it to yourself until you're told?  This was such a moment. 

This person nailed it right on the head.  I don't let myself admit that things are going wrong.  I know that there are people in my life that would sit and listen and genuinely care.  I know that they would jump to pray with me if I asked, or hug me if I needed one, or just sit there and listen.  But most of the time, I keep my issues to myself.  I share parts of my problems with people, but never a whole issue. It would allow them too close to see the scars, it would give them a chance to break down the walls that I have spent 21 years of my life building. 

So somewhere along the way, I lost who I was; sister, friend, girlfriend, child of a loving God, and I became bitter and resentful and mean.  And I hurt those closest to me.  

Without realizing it, I pushed them away, preferring to be alone in my pain and grief. 

So if you ever run into me, don't believe me when I say that I am okay, or when I say I am good.  Those are my two standard responses, especially when I am just the opposite.  I struggle every single day to wake up and look forward to seeing people, to being at work, to enjoy life.  And I definitely do not stop long enough to enjoy pretty sunsets or flowers (although my Aunt has been teaching me, probably without realizing it, what a joy it is to see those little things everyday).

So please, to all of you who know me and are my friend, please bear with me as I learn to share and be real about my life and my struggles.  And trust me, it is a struggle, but I know in the end it will all be okay.

60 Seconds

What if you only had sixty seconds to leave your house.  The fire alarm is going off and you know that it's either leave quickly or run the risk of not making it out. 

You freeze and start frantically looking around.  Forty-five seconds left...

You still try to decide what to take.  You know that your family has already made it out safely.  Thirty seconds...

You frantically pick things up and discard them, still looking around for something you know you would miss.  Fifteen seconds...
 

So what do you take?  In 60 seconds what are the things you will grab, that are most precious to you?

I know for me it would be my Grandmother's old jewelery, and if it was within reach, my camera.  Those things hold the most value in my life.  I will never be able to replace my Grandmother's jewelery.  She's dead, gone on to Heaven. I can remember her wearing some of the pieces that I have.  My camera holds my memories.  I know that they will forever be in my heart and mind and that a camera can be replaced, but I show my emotions through my camera.  What makes me happy and sad, the things I love the most in the world- all of those things I portray through my pictures. 

I don't have much of value, and almost everything I own is replaceable.  But those sixty seconds can tell a lot about a person.  Some of you would go for your technology, others for family heirlooms, and others still will forgo the quest to save anything and just run.  But it is in that sixty seconds that you learn the most about a person. 

So what would you take?

I found out today that one of my great-aunts died. Her funeral is in two days, but because it is so far away, I won't be able to make it. But this event has made me think about memories and how fleeting (or long) my life will be.

I look back at my aunt's life and I remember fun visits and learning.  I started to think; when I die, what will I be leaving behind?

Will I leave behind questions about who I truly was?  Will people know that I love my God with all of my heart?  Will they have good memories of me or bad ones?

If I had only a week left to live, what would I do with it? (I know, one of the most cliche questions to ask, right?)
               I would live my life for that last week hopefully as I had lived the weeks and days before it.  If I am not living my life. But no one knows how they would spend that time unless it actually happens to them.

For now, my thoughts and prayers are going out to my family who is mourning the loss of a wife, sister, aunt, and friend

what one disney scene can show

This will be a super short one today...

Many of us know Beauty and the Beast as a Disney Princess movie- loved by children (and some adults) everywhere.

There is a moment in this movie that shows me how much God loves us.  Cogsworth asked Beast how he could let Belle go.  Beast's response was was that he had to let her go because he loved her.

God did this for us.  He gave us free will and choice because He loved us. He let us choose whether or not to be with Him.  And if we leave, He patiently waits for our return.

Get swept away, just be able to find your way back

I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people that gets swept away in something.  When I'm reading a  good book or watching a movie, the story sweeps me into it's world.  For a few hours, I get to be part of a world completely new and exciting. Take the movie Brave for example (yes, I am using a princess movie as an example).   The story is about a young princess who is constantly at odds with her mother.  All the girl wants is to be heard and have her opinion matter, but pride stands in the way for both mother and daughter so she asks for a spell to change her fate.  The story is so well done that for a few hours I laughed until I cried and lived in a story not so much unlike my own (as far as being at odds with my mother).  

I got so swept up in the story that I left the theater drained.  For me, it happens all the time. I read a good book and the story line takes me into that world. I laugh and cry with the characters, and at the end of the book, if it is a good one, I am left wanting more.  It was the same with this movie.

Then today, I went to church and it was a sad moment for me.  One of my dear friends is leaving this week.  She graduated and is moving on to bigger and better things, becoming a world traveler and continuing her education while doing it.  Today was her last day attending church with me, and next week, another dear friend is leaving to go back home.   While I know that our paths will cross again someday (hopefully sooner rather than later), goodbyes are always difficult.

While I am learning that draining myself is okay, I am also learning to allow myself to fill back up- with the Holy Spirit, love, and friendship.  Being around my friends is one of the best ways for me to wind down from a crazy weekend, and today I got to do just that.  I got to meet some new people and catch up with others.  And at the very end of the day, it was just three of us, hanging out at the park around the corner, talking and playing- not caring who saw us or what they thought of us.

Things like that, after all of the noise and bustle has disappeared, are the best things in life.  Just getting to hang out with those who know you better than most and playing like the children that some of us never got to be is a fantastic way to let out stress and say goodbye.

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Step up to the plate

As I step up to the plate to bat, there are already two outs. I know that I do not want to be that third out so the first pitch that comes to me (no pressure at all, right?), I swing my bat at it.  

The ball flies just far enough for me to make it to first base.  

The next person steps up to the bat, gets three strikes, and the inning ends.

Two games ago I was standing in the outfield and had this thought that while in this particular sport we get three strikes before we are out, and three outs before we switch positions on the field with the other team, I am thankful we get many more chances in life. 

Our friends give us second chances (and sometimes third and fourth chances too), our parents are supposed to love us unconditionally no matter how many times we strike out, and God gives us infinitely more chances than anyone else to turn to Him.

Could you imagine if He did not?  If God's love and our eternity depended on the number of strikes we've made in life?  Get three and you're out...that would be terrible!  No one would make it to eternity, which is why we need Jesus.

I have also learned a lot while playing this game.  I've learned what true sportsmanship looks like, how to slow my competitive spirit down, and what teamwork truly is.  

When I was younger, I used to hate to wait around for my teammates to get a ball and instead I would go for it.  I would also get angry when we lost.  I always felt like I had to be the best because my parents were there watching and I didn't want to let them down and show them that I was a failure. That happened with any sport I played, and if they weren't there, I wanted to win so I could go home and tell them that I had done well.  

But I realized that the only person I should be living my life for is God, and He doesn't care if I win or lose a game, just that I stepped up to the plate and tried my best- and that I used the outcome for His Glory.  So the next time you find that you are being competitive or are looking for accolades, don't look to the people around you, look to your Father, the one who breathed you into existence and knew you before you were conceived.  Because nothing here on earth will matter or mean anything when it comes time to stand before God, unless it was done to further the Kingdom of God.

My friends are...

I was looking through my old journals and blog posts today and I saw where I used to be.  


And I look at where I am now. An aspiring police officer wanting to use my ministry concentration to do amazing things within this lifetime.  


I look at the people that used to know me and I realized that today they only see the old me, the girl who was insecure and afraid to saw what I needed or wanted to say.  I used to let them walk all over me and control my life; dictating what I did day-to-day. I was a girl with a faith that was shaky at best who wanted to help people even though I didn't know how to help myself.


So I went to counselling and changed my major, and in doing so, I learned quite a bit about myself.  I have discovered that I do love doing things for people, if I say I will do something for you, please know that I mean it.  I learned to notice when something is my fault and when someone is trying to place blame on me. I learned who was going to be there for me- for real, and who will only be there when they want something out of me. And most importantly, I learned who my God is and who I am in his sight.


In the past three years I have made some amazing friends.  They were there for the transformation and they are willing to see who I am now, not who I was and encourage me throughout that transformation.  They know what I am passionate about, what I can't stand and I know that if I don't want someone in my wedding party, they will do damage control if the person throws a hissy fit (Inside joke, but I could see it happening).  


When I can't speak, these friends are my words. They can look at my face and see what I am thinking or feeling. And I don't always have to speak around them because they know that sometimes I just want to be quiet without being asked what's wrong.  They understand my text messages and don't look for hidden meanings behind my words, because there are none.  


So to these friends, and I think they know who they are, I want to say thank you.  For being willing to call me one my mistakes but love me anyway.  Thanks for being there when I just need a person around, even if I don't want to talk, and for the inside jokes and awkward moments. And thank you for the constant hugs, there is nothing like a hug from your best friends.  


And to my other readers, I pray that you find friends as sweet and as crazy as mine are. Who after only a year, know you better than someone who has known you your whole life.


I just want to end with this quote, which I think is appropriate for the amount of love that friendships bring:


"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." -Unknown

Prayer request

Today is my 21st birthday. And it has been spectacular- full of friends new and old. But it has been a bittersweet day too. You see my mom called me today. And the man that is very dear to my heart is in the hospital. And not just in the hospital, he's in the ICU. So today I've been trying to find this balance of happy that it's our birthday and sadness because this man is so very sick. So tonight, all I ask is for prayers for this man. That's it...nothing else. Just simply prayers for healing and peace.

A birthday tradition I will always hold dear

When I was five years old, this man and I started a tradition; because we share a birthday, he would always take me out to dinner and I would get to chose the restaurant.  I remember the very first time we went because I chose to go to Wendy's.  Of any place to go out and eat, I chose Wendy's.  As I got older, I moved on to Bob Evan's, then to a few other random restaurants in my area, and for the past few years, we've gone to Olive Garden.

When I was born, he was seventy years old.  So at the age of seventy-five, this man was willing to go to Wendy's to eat dinner with my family and I.  He attends the same church as my parents (where I went as a child) and is very involved in the community.  He was an amazing influence in my life.  When I would see him in church on Sundays, I would run over to talk to him.  And every year, my photo albums would gain new pictures from our dinners.

I look up to this man, possibly more than anyone else in my life. And every year, I anticipate when May rolls around so we can continue this tradition.  In more recent years, because of his health and me living in Rochester, we've had to move it around and this year is no different.

What I haven't told you readers yet is that he always asks me to bring my boyfriend to our dinners (if I have one).  What is the reason behind this you ask?  He wants to know that there will be someone to fill his shoes.  He wants to know that this tradition won't die, that someone will care enough to carry it on.

And I hope and pray that the tradition never dies, although I know that it will never be the same without him there at the table making us all laugh and bringing my family together, if only for an hour or two.  So my heart is breaking tonight because I know that time is limited, but I will forever thank God that I have had the honor of sharing a birthday with this man.  God has given me someone to look up to and admire.

This year I will turn twenty-one years old and there is a man that will turn ninety-one.  His health is failing him, but his spirit and courage are strong.

We Are Young

Tonight, I got to hang out with my summer '11 "family" for one last time before some graduate, and the rest of us part for the summer.  This is probably the last time we're all going to be in one place.  

After meeting on campus and joking and reminiscing, four of us decided to go to Tim Horton's and get iced capps one last time together.  For those of you who don't know, this past summer, pretty close to every day for our 10:00 AM breaks, we would go to Tim Horton's for iced capps and breakfast sandwiches.  These friends quickly became my family. We worked together, took insanely long breaks together, and we cleaned so fast that we got to sit a lot and talk and watch 'Alif play angry birds.  

Anyway, so after we left Tim Horton's, we got back into my truck and I plugged my iPod in.  And this song came on.  Well, turns out we all loved it anyway so we cranked up the volume and sang along to it as we drove along.    

Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friend's are in the bathroom getting higher than the 
empire state
My lover she's waiting for me just across the bar
My seat's been taken by some sunglasses asking about a 
scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you're trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies
You know I'm trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know it I'm not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let's raise a cup
'Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I'll carry you home tonight

This song ended just as I pulled in to the apartments on campus and put the truck into park.  As everyone was getting ready to pile out and move seats, we realized that this song had a new meaning for us. We gave it a new memory.  

As we are all getting ready to part, either for good or just for the summer, we have so much to face, but we are still young, and we can change the world. We can do so much, shine so brightly.  And at the end of the day, if we start to fall, someone will be there to help us through whatever is going on.  

It was such a bittersweet moment, but it was one that I know I will remember forever.  And this song will forever hold a special place in my heart.

The Fairy Tale and how I made it mine again

When I was younger, I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love until a man on a white horse came sweeping in to rescue me.  And I mean a literal white horse.  I wanted the fairy tale- the man who rescues his damsel in distress.  


Somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, I stopped believing in the fairy tale.  The men in my life, the ones I trusted the most, let me down and I lost faith in any male.  To be fair, it wasn't just the men in my life. It was also the women.  All of the women that couldn't stand up for what they believed in, that wouldn't stand up for those they loved the most.  


I was so sick and tired of watching my friends fall apart over a boy they had been dating a week, and giving up more of themselves to people than they wanted that I decided once and for all that I would be the strong one. I would be the one who never got her heart broken because I wouldn't seriously invest it (my heart) into a relationship.  


I despised the chick flick movies where the girl always ended up with the hero because one day she woke up and realized she couldn't live without him.  Wasn't there a movie out there that somewhat depicted reality?!  


I "dated" my fair share of boys, and I would always dump them as soon as they started to try and peel back my layers or as soon as I felt something for them.  To me it was a game.  Looking back I realize what a cruel, terrible game it was to both those boys and myself.  I played with hearts, and that was a terrible thing to do. 


It took me until my freshman year of college to even think about having a guy as just a friend, and it wasn't until later that summer that I realized that reverting back to my old ways wasn't an option anymore.  


January of my freshman year, this boy randomly started talking to me, after twelve or thirteen years of knowing each other.  We would stay up until all hours of the night (who needs sleep when you're in college, right?) just talking about random stuff.  And at first it was awkward- here was this boy that I never thought would ever speak to me- suddenly talking to me until four in the morning.  


But when I look back at all the confusion I felt about my feelings about him, I realize that he worked his way into my heart somewhere along the line.  I remember telling myself to stop, that he could never have feeling for me, for Pete's Sake, I was his little sister's friend!  But as I was telling one of my friends this over dinner in a fast food court, she told me "Jillian, boys don't stay up until three or four every night talking to a girl they don't have feelings for."  That statement made me realize that maybe I should wait a few weeks and see what happens.  


And I'm glad I did.  


In four months, it will be two years since I started dating this man.  And while sometimes he drives me nuts and I know I drive him insane, he is my fairy tale.  He supports me in what I want to do, and he lets me have the amount of independence that I need. And I don't complain (excessively) when he goes fishing or hunting or plays his video games for thirty-six hours straight.  


He taught me (without realizing it) that my fairy tale can still exist, it just exists in a different capacity than what I thought.  He doesn't ride a horse and I don't need rescuing, but he's my shoulder to lean on when I don't have anyone else.  And while I don't know what the future has in store for us (although he's not good at keeping secrets), I will forever be grateful that he taught me to open my heart and let someone in no matter what happens.   


So if there is one thing that you take away from this, I hope that it is this:


Don't be afraid to let people in, because they will surprise you and sometimes, they will take your breath away.

From heartbroken to heart-beating

For those of you who read my last blog post, I am willing to bet that it was very evident that I was heartbroken.   I didn't know how to move on and have a real relationship with those who had hurt me because my heart felt like it was in so many pieces.  It was written all over my face and in my body language too. I couldn't go five minutes without someone asking me what was wrong or if I was okay, and I didn't know who to talk to.  


Anyway, tonight I went to our campus' monthly service called Heartbeat.  S.P. did a great job delivering the message and it was truly great.  What really got me however, wasn't the message that was given.  It was the message that came to me while we were worshiping at the end.


I saw this anomaly on the projector screen.  It was small enough that you couldn't find it unless you were really staring.  But to me, it stood out, my attention couldn't be diverted from it.  It was moving like a heartbeat. And this....thought...came to me.


"When you feel like your heart is broken, for whatever reason, remember that God's heart is whole and it beats for you.  God's heartbeat should become your heartbeat.  While he is putting the broken, damaged pieces of your heart back together, God connects His heart to yours to keep it beating.  But you have to let Him."


With my heart still being put back together, I realized how much I have been longing for God's heartbeat, and all along it was right there, keeping my heart beating.  But I didn't realize it.  And while my heart may be broken many times over by the ones I love the most, I know now that there is a heart that will beat for mine when mine can no longer beat.  

Too many maybes and too much hurt

Maybe I was a bit naive in thinking that things had changed.  It had seemed so good, so positive lately, that I was finally moving forward.  Past the pain and the hurt, past the cruel jokes.

Things had been so good, so positive, between my parents and I since my February break.  I was finally to the point where I was excited to go visit for a weekend.  Maybe I jumped the gun or maybe I was just being silly and naive.

Three days ago I talked to my dad on the phone.  After talking about what type of officer I want to be, he asked me what I was doing Friday (yesterday).  I told him that other than my normal work hours, I wasn't doing anything because my two classes had been cancelled (the teacher was out of town or something like that).  After telling him this, he said okay and moved to the next topic. And I thought that was that.

Yesterday I found out that he had driven the two hours to Rochester to drop off Natalie's prom dress for alterations.  For my parents, a two hour drive is a big deal.  But they came to the city that I live in.  They were only twenty minutes away.  I would have gone to meet them somewhere.

But no.  They would drive two hours to drop of a silly dress, but they wouldn't drive two hours to come see me.  Or let me know they were coming even.  If I asked them to come, they would never do it, they would be too busy hiking or it would be too far of a drive.  But they could drive that far to drop off a stupid dress for alterations.

When I found out, I reeled from the news.  I thought I was more important.  But maybe I jumped the gun into thinking that everything was getting better between us. There are so many "maybe's" running through my mind right now.  I wish I had the answers.  But all I have is this hurt.

I have found however, that when I try to open up and be vulnerable to people, that I regret it.  I see surrounding me Hyper-Spiritual Henry's or I'm the Boss Bob's (names courtesy of Pastor Mark Driscoll) answers.  Struggle and sadness is not allowed. The thought, "Wait, I'm not allowed to have feelings?" runs through my head as soon as I encounter one of these answers.

I don't understand.  I know that part of being a Christian is that Jesus came to take our hurts, but I have to be able to sort through them as a human.  And when I hand it over, I don't want it back.  So I have to process it, and some of that for me includes hurting and talking it through.  If one things works for you, do it. But don't force what you think on someone else, not everyone is wired the same way.

And if you are one of those people out there, whether you've been in my position or whether you're a parent who has done that.  I am so incredibly sorry.  There are no other words for it.  It is a terrible feeling to be passed over by the people that are supposed to love you no matter what. And I pray that you are as lucky as I have been and have an amazing group of friends surrounding you helping you.

Generations

This will be a short one tonight, I promise.


I had a crazy day that started out with witnessing a high speed car chase.  Crazy, right?!  I thought so.  I'd never seen one before.


After that I went on a road trip to see some family members with my cousin.  It was overall a great visit.  I got to visit my Grandma and after she woke up and realized it was me, her face lit up.  We chatted for a while and toward the end of the visit, she said that she was honored to see me, that I had taken time out of my schedule to go see her.  


I've never thought about it before, but as we left, I realized that I was the one that was honored.  To be able to see her and tell her that I loved her.  I walked out of there with a new perspective.  And I found that so often we take for granted the people in our lives, that we don't listen to the lessons that the generations before us try to teach.  They have so many incredible stories. But why don't we ever listen? Why don't we seek it out? Why is it that we visit them begrudgingly, because we feel obligated?


I want to challenge you if you're one of those people.  Don't wait until it's almost too late to take away what you can from the generations preceding you.  They have so many awesome stories, so much knowledge to share, and so much love to give.  So give it back.  Go see someone you don't even know and just sit with them. I bet you'll come away from it a changed person.

Holy Ground. Take your shoes off or ignore it?

I really love my youth ministry class.  And it's all because of this one book that we read.  It's called The Godbearing Life: The art of soul tending for youth ministry. 


We had to read this book and write a report on it.  My original thought was "Oh great, another book I have to read" but as I started it, and my best friend can attest to this, I couldn't stop.  The authors held my attention every time I picked that book up to read.  


But there was one thing that really stood out and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  


When Moses was shepherding his father-in-law's sheep, he was at Horeb which is known as the mountain of God.  To Moses, this was a familiar route, one he knew well and had probably been to many times.  But Moses wasn't expecting anything to happen.  But what happened next? 


A bush was on a fire but it wasn't burning.  How long had this bush been burning?  
Was it something that God had done, hoping someone would walk by and see and the first person that did just happened to be Moses?  Or had God been calling Moses and this was the only way to get his attention?


Moses hid his face in fear.  You see, Moses had killed a man in Egypt and was now facing something that God had sent.  He asked God to send someone else.  
God had a greater plan though.  He used a man who had a dark past to carry out His will!  


So how many of us are ignoring God's call?  When we see the "burning bush" will we remove our sandals, knowing we are standing on Holy ground?  We stand before God, naked in the sense that everything we've ever done will be revealed.  When we go to church, are we expectant for what God will do? Or has it become such a routine that you don't realize the Holy Ground you're standing on and just pass through?


I know for me, it's definitely a challenge to keep a routine action like going to church something that is Holy to marvel at.  Oftentimes, I just walk through seeing the same people week after week.  But that's not how it should be and I think it happens more than we care to admit.  


So I want to challenge you to stand "naked" before God. He already knows what you have done, now be open to Him and show it.  And I'll leave you with this quote from the book:


"Remove your sandals! Leave all that behind. I am not out to destroy you; I am out to change you. Take off those smelly shoes- this is holy ground, the place where you leave your old ways behind and start over as the person I made you to be" (Dean & Foster p.77)

Just Stop

I've noticed recently that I don't stop long enough to enjoy the things around me.  Within the past two weeks, so much has been happening but I don't slow down long enough to appreciate any of it.

When it snows, I'm too preoccupied with how I'll get to school instead of stopping to see how beautiful the snow on the trees was.

When we took my little sister prom dress shopping, it hit me for the first time how much she has grown up. I mean, for Pete's sake, she's a junior in high school!  When did that happen?!

Looking back on all of this, I realized I've missed so much in life!  It makes me wonder, how much in the past 20 years have I missed?  I haven't said to myself "just stop." My daily routine consists of mostly work and school. And I have four hours every night to do homework or pick up my room.  This leaves no time for anything else.  I don't get out anymore to take pictures, I haven't picked up my guitar in so long I wonder if I'll ever be able to pick it back up, I haven't met my new nephew yet, and I barely see the man I love.

The things I love most in life, I have missed out on.  It's almost been a month, and I haven't had the time to drive two hours to see my new nephew, and I have to miss his baptism and my niece's birthday.  If I don't have time to see the people I love most in life, what am I doing?!  What else am I missing out on?  Will my nephew ever know that I didn't go see him in his first few months of life?  I'll miss all of his firsts.  My niece is growing up before my eyes- every time I see her she gets bigger and bigger.

So before you end up as the person who misses out on their family and what life could hold, just stop. Stop and look around before you see yourself becoming the person who doesn't remember what real fun is.

Into the wild...

While driving to pick up a friend this afternoon from downtown Rochester I had time to think...more than usual.  I thought about the recent introduction I allowed for my parents to have with my amazing boyfriend of now 3 months and some change :]  But after all of that I felt as though in the end I had even let my own family in to close.  There judgements and moments of intervention for the rest of the time I was home on break was personally overwhelming.  It seemed as though they couldn't conceptualize the decision I was making, and that I was truly happy. But on this particular drive today I thought of this,  I was beginning to discover something new...I was going into my own wild and nobody else will be able to experience that except for me.

Now don't get me wrong I revere the words of the wise but there comes a time when they are simply that, just words.  Don't worry I will never be so in love that I will forsake all that I know or have been guided in, but there does come a time when I must grow and see beyond what others see into something greater.  Who really knows the plans that God has for us?  How can they possibly recognize the vastness of it in such short amounts of time, even when you can't?  These are simply questions that I thought about and meditated on.  I allowed for my thoughts to reach those murky muddled grounds that they seldom go.  And although sometimes it may seem full of brush and prickly annoying things we must go there in order to discover who we really are.  

In the end I think going into the wild doesn't mean you lose all capability to comprehend right from wrong it just means you are willing to take risk at a greater and wiser aptitude. So now it seems that I will be going into my own wild, whether any one or everyone understands it doesnt matter.  I have a greater power with me, stronger than the authority of kings and queens and bigger than the entire universe.  With time we will all see, and for me I think I'm ready to take an adventure like never before.

One Heck of a Night

I haven't written in a while because I felt uninspired, and unmoved.  I felt like I didn't have an outlet to put every thing God gave me in to.  

It's like filling up a car with gas.  Unless you drive your car and burn that gas up, you can't fill it up anymore.

That's what I've felt like for a while.  After the One Thing conference at The Father's House (which was AMAZING, by the way), I went to church.  As I was standing there during worship, I realized that I didn't have any more room to put the Spirit.  I was already full and hadn't used any of my "gas."  

My best friend and fellow Cru-leader and I met with our mentor today.  As I was telling her this, she said, "You should find a place to spend some of your 'gas' and maybe Cru could be where you could spend some of what you're being filled with."  And tonight I realized just how on spot she was with that remark.  

Tonight Robert's Cru met up with U of R's Cru.  And it was really awesome.  I was so far outside my comfort zone. I was in a group where I knew no one.  But we were all connected in our faith.  In my group, we all shared where we were uncomfortable with the future.  For me, it's working with inner city teens and being a cop. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, I only know that God is faithful and will bring me to it and through it (sounds cliche, but I'm totally serious).  

But it didn't just end with UofR.  On the way back we were all in the van joking and laughing and talking. I don't know how we got on this topic, but our third leader asked one of the guys in the group to share his testimony sometime, so in our last 5-10 minutes, we heard this man's testimony.  

I don't have words.

This man has seriously done and been through SO MUCH. 

And I learned tonight, for the first time, how absolutely powerful a testimony can be.

Everything that this man went through, everything that he did, everything that happened to him not of his own fault, and God's grace makes his story so incredible.  

It gave me hope.  

To hear that twenty-three year old's testimony- well, something that powerful changes your life.  And it reminded me of why I got involved in this in the first place.  It's because people don't know how GREAT God's love is.  They don't know that they can be forgiven and washed clean.  They don't understand that someone already died so they don't have to.  

So my prayer and challenge tonight for all of you reading, is to reach those who are apathetic and un-churched. Reach those who don't know who God is and show them how great His love is.  Tell your story, and don't be ashamed, because you've been washed clean.

A visual reminder for me

I was standing in church a few days ago and the pastor was inviting people in and talking about what worship means (I could be wrong- I honestly wasn't paying attention at that moment).  


I looked at the people in front of me.  It was this man and his two young children (boy and girl), and their large spiderman doll.  Emelie and I were standing there saying how cute the kids were and admiring the doll. The children were doing what kids usually do in church- the "let me find something to keep me busy because I'm so bored" act.  


At some point during worship, I happened to look down again. And the father of these children had his hand outstretched toward his daughter.  She looked at his hand for a second, and then ran to it and put her face in her father's hand.  


I was dumbfounded.  My only thoughts at that moment were "Wow, what a great visual!  Here is this father, stretching out his hand for his daughter.  Much like God does for us."


God has his hands outstretched toward us, waiting for us to come to Him.  And in turn we are timid and afraid to run and hold His hand.  But He stays there, willing us to draw closer to Him...waiting for us to stretch out our hands and grasp His.  His hands are the safest place that we can be.  They hold us through trials and rejoice with us in our triumphs.  


So what holds us back from stretching out our own hands?  Is it fear that we will be let go?  Is it anger or bitterness?  


Fear that God will let us go used to be the reason why I didn't run to Him.  Today, I look back and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't let go of that fear and trusted God to take care of me.  Would I still be here, able to write this blog?  Anger and bitterness fed into that fear for me. I had been let down and disappointed my entire life.  I had never known unconditional love.  And I had never learned true forgiveness. So for me, all three of those things: fear, anger, and bitterness became this brick wall that I had to learn to knock down in order to run to God.  


But once I knocked that wall down, my life became something that can be used for greater things.  Not just in the future, but NOW.


So what is preventing you from running to God?  Is it fear or anger? Is it that you've never heard anything like this before?  Or is it that you've never even realized that there was Someone out there willing to forgive, love, and cherish you?  


I pray that whatever it is, that you would find Him and realize that His hands will always be reaching for you, you just have to reach out too.  He has great things planned for your life that you can't even begin to imagine.

Death, Where is your Sting?

David Bowden is someone that I quite frequently listen to.  He speaks the Truth in a way that is so powerful.  This is one of my favorites of his.  It speaks of...well watch it and find out :)

"And I saw him Death, with his mighty sting, Exhaling in every breath the plight he brings. To the grave he gave victory Triumphing over life with the fear of endless sleep. Endlessly we hide from our mortality. Mortally wounded from birth  We lie to ourselves from infancy, In nitely investing time in a life that will Inevitably be taken by this Incredible creature that stands before me: Death He manifests himself on ordinary days His 6 foot stomach growls with hunger pangs. For his meal, he cannot wait. So we are forced to taste him even before the grave We are all dying, there’s no other way I see him in Haitian and Japanese earthquakes. He’s Hating the Escapees of his cruel wakes. I see him in poverty impoverishing the quality of life for regions that are reachable, and in those with the reach who nd reason not to reach out to treat what is treatable. I see him in disease taking life out of uninfected yet affected families. I see him in oppression, pressing down on the oppressed and the oppressor. I see him in depression, in Prozac and pain pills, in razor blades and bed-side wills. I see him in abuse: physical, mental, emotional misuse I see him in spiritual confusion, material obsession, physical possessions. I see him in marital transgressions, childhood remorse from an ugly divorce. I see him in our slavery to appearances, appearing to care more about our images than those in dying villages. I see him in our ignorance, ignoring truth for some comfortable inference. I see his emergence in our churches as we pull out emergency verses as deterrents to religious differences, going on the defensive, defending our way of worship, making community worthless. Death is killing us before we even enter the surface of the earth. We are in the service of his words, “It is finished” the end of birth. We cannot hide from his wretched curse For death and his grave we constantly rehearse Even God himself was coerced. Divinity immersed itself in humanity Humbly taking on fl esh, scorning vanity. The world saw his way of life as insanity. Insisting he cease speaking of his radical Christianity. But Man found him guilty, accusing God of blasphemy. Performing the ultimate usurpation by slaying Christ on Calvary But through their cowardly cross, Jesus embossed mankind with amnesty Championing over death with the beauty of his fatal injury. And I know, Many still doubt, and rightfully so, bringing up this inquiry? What does that poor Jewish man dying on a Roman tree 2,000 years ago have to do with me? I reply simply: Christ came and died to marry his bride to be, And though Death could kill the groom, it could not kill the ring. God made us one with Christ and life in matrimony’s cling. Now, the undying church, his ever-living wife can sing. Oh Death, where is your sting? Oh Grave, where is your victory? For we have risen above your misery! We will not succumb to your finality! We have overcome your infamous mystery! In the in nite reign of Christ’s ministry! For we are the resurrection The insurrection of fatality! We are the risen deity, the intersection of a dead yet living body! We live through imperfections, for we died to become holy! We cannot be contained by the mouth of the grave We are the willing slaves to the one who rose from the garden cave We have passed through death to new birth We gave the grave to the earth And we claim today the cross’ worth The body of his rising We are the risen church."

Running a Race

As some of you may know, I recently took up running (okay, right now it looks more like walking mixed with jogging, but I'm getting there) with the goal of first completing a 5K, and then going into the police academy.  Because of my knees, I have to take it slowly to make sure that I don't make them worse (think of the ligaments in your knees tearing apart sideways- that's what it feels like most days for me to just walk).

I battle with myself every time I step on to the track.

"How far can I push it today?"

"Do I want to keep risking it?"

These questions I keep asking myself aren't positive ones.  I often wonder why I'm doing this- running and wanting to go into the academy.  And I start to think; am I that willing to give up on my dream?  

The answer that I tell everybody is "no, I'll keep pushing through this."  What I keep saying to myself is "am I going to make it? What if God's plans for me change? Then what? Will it all be worth it?"  I find myself not trusting in God both for healing and to bring me to the next step in my training.

But an old verse came back to me this morning:

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."  -1 Corinthians 9:24

I haven't been running this race mentally in a way to get the prize.  Sure, I complete all the workouts, but mentally I keep telling myself I might not make the next one. But there are others who are way more dedicated to running than I am. They train every spare second that they have- mentally and physically.  Some of my friends are training for a half-marathon or marathon.

It's the same way in the true Race.  That verse continues on to say,

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize." -1 Corinthians 9:25-27

To be able to run a race, one must train. And train hard.  They have to be dedicated and have a strong will to finish.

So are you running like a man beating the air around you? Floundering to grasp what you know is yours? Do you run to get a shiny medal or a trophy?

Or do you train and run for God in the race of life?  Are you willing to discipline your body and mind for Him? To share the Good News to those around you requires training.

So, are you willing to train yourself for THE Race?  Are you willing to trust that God has a plan for you and your life that you can't even begin to imagine?  Don't get discouraged that there are others around you that seem to have it all together or that they have had more practice than you in such matters.  Because 1) I don't know a single person who has it all together and 2) everyone has their own pace. Just stick to it and see the amazing places it will take you.

I encourage you to join me on this journey. It requires a lot of training and is not for those who easily give up. But it is worth it.

I dare you to move

"I dare you to move"


I'm sitting here watching one of the biggest chick flicks of all time. You ready for it? A Walk to Remember. Yeah. You're talking about the girl who prefers superhero movies or movies with tons of action in them to chick flicks.  But something about the movie tonight made me stop on abcfamily and start watching it. 


So anyway. It gets to this part where Landon is driving to his dad's house after hearing about Jamie's cancer.  "I Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot started playing. Something about those words...


"I dare you to move" 


It made me stop for a second.  Here is this boy driving to his dad's house seeking help to make her better, healthier.  But keep in mind that earlier in the movie, he wanted nothing to do with his dad.  So the fact that he is trying to reach out to him and intercede for Jamie and her health speaks volumes.


It reminds me of the way the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.  Not many humans would do what God did for us.    I mean, He did send His Son to die for us here on Earth!  That speaks volumes of who God is and just how much He loves us.


So even though Landon is this amazing boyfriend who helped Jamie complete most of her Bucket List and stayed by her side through everything, there is Someone even more amazing out there.  He is there healing broken relationships, holding us through our hurts, and restoring us. He is someone you can count on, no matter what, to never leave your side.  Just as Landon never left Jamie's side, God does that on a MUCH larger scale because He is immortal and perfect.  


So next time you are looking for something or someone to fill the void in your life, remember who is perfect and who will never leave you.

Found my new year's resolution

Classes ended about two weeks ago- which means this is the last week of break.  And it's going out with a bang.  I got to spend tonight with some very dear friends and it was so needed.

This break has taught me a lot. Like I won't be going back to see my parents anymore.  I want to say that I will always be grateful for what my parents have done, but I will finally be free from them holding these things over my head.

  I was talking to a co-worker about my decision and she told me that sometimes you have to leave a place behind you for your own safety or heath.  And I've been thinking about that all day.  When I think of Horseheads, all I can think about is the bad because it far outweighs everything else.  The situations that I found myself in as a teenager- both willingly and unwillingly, sent me into a spiral of depression.  One that I didn't feel I could get out of- I felt trapped. A lot of that trapped feeling was because I knew I couldn't go to my parents about it and I didn't know my Savior.

I was talking tonight with someone who has had a huge positive impact in my life and who has been through a similar situation, and she made some very good points.  Like that I need to start setting boundaries with my family.  No more childish phone calls where my mom makes my sister ask me what she (my mom) wants to know.  No more treating me like I'm not an adult and no more screening my calls to make sure that it's only my little sister calling me because I don't want to go through the stress of talking to my parents.  

The only issue is that I have to talk to my parents to tell them this.

And that scares me.

So I decided tonight that since I didn't have a new year's resolution, this would be it.  I only ask that those of you who know me, hold me accountable for setting these boundaries with my parents.  And I ask for your prayers as I do so.

Maybe someday God will give me the ability to trust and love them like most daughters love and trust their parents.  And maybe someday, they'll see me as the person that I am, not the person that I was.