I've been thinking a lot about death lately. In the last month, my Grandma lost her fight for life and I buried myself in anything I could to avoid thinking about it.
But when the time to think comes, it's hard. I look back on the last two years of my Grandma's life. She slowly deteriorated from kidney failure and congestive heart failure. She went from being able to take care of herself to slowly not being able to even feed herself.
For two years I watched my parents struggle. My dad was using every day he had off from work to travel and take care of anything he could for her. Every phone call from the nursing home, every trip to take care of her affairs. It wore them down more than they would ever admit, but they did it. They spent hours making phone calls to family when things got really bad. Some listened and some didn't and it was hard. But they did it. I have never looked up to my parents as much as I have in that last month of my Grandma's life.
For those two years, I can count on one hand how many times I saw her. I went once with my cousin when she was in the hospital and once with Nick. Then Easter came and I saw her. But that was the last time I saw her alive. There was one day that I was going to go but I was sick and I knew bringing my germs in the nursing home was not a smart idea. There are things I regret never saying and never asking her, but for what I do know about her life, I am thankful. She had a hard life, not much money or possessions but she loved God and was faithful to Him. She also loved her family. There wasn't a visit I had growing up that went without her bragging about some family member. She asked me for two years when she'd get to meet Nick and then she didn't stop talking about finally meeting him whenever she saw my parents.
For a month, I have put away all of the thoughts, all of the feelings aside. I have refused to think about it. I buried myself in work and in cleaning (just ask Nick, his apartment is spotless). But now I have slowed down, getting ready for my last semester. So I have been able to slow down and think about the events of the last month. No more putting it off with crazy days on a boat tubing, and fires and cleaning. Just the cold hard truth of what happened. I know that death isn't the end, but it still sucks regardless.
