When I was younger, I told myself that I wouldn't fall in love until a man on a white horse came sweeping in to rescue me. And I mean a literal white horse. I wanted the fairy tale- the man who rescues his damsel in distress.
Somewhere along the way, and I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, I stopped believing in the fairy tale. The men in my life, the ones I trusted the most, let me down and I lost faith in any male. To be fair, it wasn't just the men in my life. It was also the women. All of the women that couldn't stand up for what they believed in, that wouldn't stand up for those they loved the most.
I was so sick and tired of watching my friends fall apart over a boy they had been dating a week, and giving up more of themselves to people than they wanted that I decided once and for all that I would be the strong one. I would be the one who never got her heart broken because I wouldn't seriously invest it (my heart) into a relationship.
I despised the chick flick movies where the girl always ended up with the hero because one day she woke up and realized she couldn't live without him. Wasn't there a movie out there that somewhat depicted reality?!
I "dated" my fair share of boys, and I would always dump them as soon as they started to try and peel back my layers or as soon as I felt something for them. To me it was a game. Looking back I realize what a cruel, terrible game it was to both those boys and myself. I played with hearts, and that was a terrible thing to do.
It took me until my freshman year of college to even think about having a guy as just a friend, and it wasn't until later that summer that I realized that reverting back to my old ways wasn't an option anymore.
January of my freshman year, this boy randomly started talking to me, after twelve or thirteen years of knowing each other. We would stay up until all hours of the night (who needs sleep when you're in college, right?) just talking about random stuff. And at first it was awkward- here was this boy that I never thought would ever speak to me- suddenly talking to me until four in the morning.
But when I look back at all the confusion I felt about my feelings about him, I realize that he worked his way into my heart somewhere along the line. I remember telling myself to stop, that he could never have feeling for me, for Pete's Sake, I was his little sister's friend! But as I was telling one of my friends this over dinner in a fast food court, she told me "Jillian, boys don't stay up until three or four every night talking to a girl they don't have feelings for." That statement made me realize that maybe I should wait a few weeks and see what happens.
And I'm glad I did.
In four months, it will be two years since I started dating this man. And while sometimes he drives me nuts and I know I drive him insane, he is my fairy tale. He supports me in what I want to do, and he lets me have the amount of independence that I need. And I don't complain (excessively) when he goes fishing or hunting or plays his video games for thirty-six hours straight.
He taught me (without realizing it) that my fairy tale can still exist, it just exists in a different capacity than what I thought. He doesn't ride a horse and I don't need rescuing, but he's my shoulder to lean on when I don't have anyone else. And while I don't know what the future has in store for us (although he's not good at keeping secrets), I will forever be grateful that he taught me to open my heart and let someone in no matter what happens.
So if there is one thing that you take away from this, I hope that it is this:
Don't be afraid to let people in, because they will surprise you and sometimes, they will take your breath away.
