Fragility

It seems to have just occurred to me today that I still have this blog.  Life has been so hectic since I graduated and moved back to Horseheads almost a month ago.  

A lot can happen in a month- people come and go, families grow or get smaller, and plans for the future change. 

I have been learning to let people in; especially those surrounding me on a daily basis.  It used to be so easy- I was in a city where my past didn't follow me; I could be who I wanted to be.  Now I am back in a place where everyone knows my scars.  

I was looking around tonight and I realized how fragile people are.  They won't show you right away, but we all have our breaking points.  Nick and I are slowly learning each others and that not everyone is as fragile as glass.  Sometimes Nick has to be my glue and oftentimes he puts that glue on before I crack.  Sometimes, he has to help me put myself back together.  He'll lovingly sweep up the pieces into a pile and is patient while they go back together (must be the engineer in him).  

I was talking to a family member today.  This family member has been through a lot and while we don't talk as much as we often should, I still love them and care about them.  Anyway, we were talking today and I found this person's fragile spot.  They became vulnerable in front of me (so to speak...I wasn't actually in front of them).  It almost broke my heart- not because I was hurt, but because they were.

This is the reason I started thinking about this topic.  Our own fragility can strengthen us, but it can also cause us to become callous.  One of my biggest things in life is that I am fragile for those that I love.  Instead, I needed to learn that I could be vulnerable and love and care for them, but that did not mean that I had to break for them.  That was a big lesson that I needed to learn- that I do not have to take other's feelings and make them my own.

I have my own feelings, and while I am in no way self-absorbed, I need to let others have their own too and not make them into mine.  I think that is the biggest reason I dropped out of Social Work in college and switched my major; I took what others were feeling and without realizing it, made those feelings mine.  It will burn you out quickly and you won't even realize it.